tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78454549865225714482024-03-05T08:31:41.093-08:00Brain New Beginning A blog about the healing journey of the brain, self-reflection, courage, and the beauty of life. Finding out about a brain tumor leads to a brain awakening. Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-87991508587785244852023-01-28T09:42:00.002-08:002023-01-28T09:42:39.542-08:00JAUNT: "Where can we take you?"<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>I wanted to share this article below about the transportation I was able to obtain upon moving home. My parents lived outside of town where the public transportation system was not available. So shortly after coming back to Virginia after living in California for about seven years, I applied to see if I would qualify for having this private bus system, that I was told about, come pick me up to give me rides to get where I needed to go. I got approved, and it has been an amazing experience. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Even though I have gotten through many of these challenges and improved my health immensely, I am still able to use their services. When I obtain my acupuncture license in the next year, which I have been studying for a while now, I will then take the step to decide where I want to be. Until then, I have decided to continue with Jaunt. I have met some amazing drivers and some fun and interesting riders. I have many stories, that I can share. Have fun reading the article below.</span></span></p><header class="entry-header" style="box-sizing: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjji-KAQxnj14J3PwSEvICmpav8faikuFMe7zryWjxz8vdKXmV1kbT46ccAkrTUI25Bx6jQy_ET0ubBKOfvBjurS-RrVTVNO5fjWzxtkNvp43yohmTDBbITlzD0DDxnlKCvKyj9qIlLxfI4_0nPAS1rFpkCgJU5zGKB089LNjR_759WBUuX4s0irYWo/s1200/JAUNT.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1200" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjji-KAQxnj14J3PwSEvICmpav8faikuFMe7zryWjxz8vdKXmV1kbT46ccAkrTUI25Bx6jQy_ET0ubBKOfvBjurS-RrVTVNO5fjWzxtkNvp43yohmTDBbITlzD0DDxnlKCvKyj9qIlLxfI4_0nPAS1rFpkCgJU5zGKB089LNjR_759WBUuX4s0irYWo/w546-h274/JAUNT.webp" width="546" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><span id="docs-internal-guid-4ab60cc7-7fff-6c1d-5c3f-f69dfa9c0a7c"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 28pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Meet the Riders: Gabrielle Olko</span></span></div><p class="entry-meta" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px;"><time class="entry-time" style="border-bottom: 2px solid var(--primary); box-sizing: inherit; color: var(--primary); display: inline-block; font-family: "Barlow Condensed", Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;">November 29, 2022</time><span class="entry-author" style="box-sizing: inherit; display: block; font-weight: bold;"><span class="entry-author-name" style="box-sizing: inherit;">Cassy Kelly</span></span><span class="entry-categories" style="box-sizing: inherit; display: block; font-size: 0.85rem; font-style: italic;"><a href="https://ridejaunt.org/news/community/charlottesville/" rel="category tag" style="box-sizing: inherit; transition: all 0.15s ease-in-out 0s;">Charlottesville</a>, <a href="https://ridejaunt.org/news/community/" rel="category tag" style="box-sizing: inherit; transition: all 0.15s ease-in-out 0s;">Community</a>, <a href="https://ridejaunt.org/news/" rel="category tag" style="box-sizing: inherit; transition: all 0.15s ease-in-out 0s;">News</a>, <a href="https://ridejaunt.org/riders/" rel="category tag" style="box-sizing: inherit; transition: all 0.15s ease-in-out 0s;">Riders</a></span><span class="entry-categories" style="box-sizing: inherit; display: block; font-size: 0.85rem; font-style: italic;"><br /></span><span class="entry-categories" style="box-sizing: inherit; display: block;"><span style="font-size: 13.6px;"><i>https://ridejaunt.org/news/meet-the-riders-gabrielle-olko/</i></span></span></p></header><div class="entry-content" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">Gabrielle Olko used to live in Los Angeles, where she could walk or bike everywhere. When she moved back to the Charlottesville area, she felt stuck.</p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">The 39-year-old doesn’t have a driver’s license because of seizures, so she used Ubers to get from her home near the airport north of Charlottesville. “I was spending more money than needed or not being able to get out except for a doctor’s appointment,” she recalls. But about five years ago, a friend told her about Jaunt.</p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">“Jaunt is amazing,” Gabrielle says. “I’ve become friends with the drivers, and I’m truly taken care of. I’ve even gotten to know some of the people that I ride with a little bit, and we make jokes or ask how someone’s cat is or their sister.” Jaunt helps Gabrielle get to doctor and dentist appointments, the gym, the library and many other places.</p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">The two drivers she sees the most are Sandy and Cavonda, and she’s developed a good relationship with them. “What brightens my day is to see the care the drivers give to people that are struggling a lot more than I am,” she says. That could be everything from helping someone with a wheelchair or listening to riders’ stories. “The drivers make the experience fun,” she says.</p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">Gabrielle is studying for her acupuncture license exams and finds riding Jaunt inspiring. “I like to look at it as almost my extra credit course,” she says. “It’s been a beautiful, humbling experience to not just be learning in the clinic, but to be on a bus with all these people going through different things and just finding a full-on respect and beauty.”</p><br /><p style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #666666; font-family: Barlow, "system-ui", -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.25; margin: 0px 0px 1rem;">Jaunt Website: https://ridejaunt.org/</p></div>Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-50138693339675295862019-02-22T17:09:00.002-08:002022-02-09T21:00:22.923-08:00YouTube Updates<br />Welcome. This is my 30th post of this journey. The beginning of this blog was November 26th, 2013 <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a>. One month prior to my first post was when the opening of my brain began. I am grateful to have all of you here with me. I am working on an in depth written post that will be coming shortly in the next couple weeks, but for now I decided to share my youtube videos that show a little bit more of where I have been over the past year and why I have been a bit MIA from the public world.<br />
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May 16, 2018</div>
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May 27, 2018</div>
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May 28, 2018</div>
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June 19, 2018</div>
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July 11, 2018</div>
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August 9, 2018</div>
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September 21, 2018</div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-24934327609257297902018-04-23T12:40:00.001-07:002020-10-11T10:49:20.902-07:00I Am Rooted! I Surrender! I Have Faith! - Psychological Symptoms from Protracted AED/Benzo Withdrawal in Detail Here I am in this body a year later, and the journey continues. April 2017 feels like it was yesterday. I haven't felt the inclination in posting at all, as I feel stuck in a cloud of fear surrounded by a challenge of curiosity. I am pushing myself to surrender to the overcast sky. to stay rooted, learning that the rain will bring seeds that will root down and grow upward.<br />
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Anyone who is new and wants to know where this part of my journey is even coming from, feel free to <a href="https://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">Start At The Beginning</a> and for those of you that are here again, welcome back! And for those of you that are new but only want to read this post or even just this paragraph and that is it, fine by me! Whatever your heart desires. I love you all!<br />
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I am writing this post partly for my own journaling but also to share. For myself, reading other blogs, as well as joining online groups relating to drug/medication withdrawal experiences, has been one of the biggest comforting outlets for this journey. Knowing that I am not alone and what I am experiencing is OK and part of this healing and detoxing journey. It can feel resistant as though I am mentally in the thick of it, and when having someone nod and smile and say, "if you just breathe and meditate a little bit you will be at ease!" and yes that DOES help, but sometimes it also helps to stand outside and shout and scream as well as finding others to relate to that have been through a similar experience. So for those out there that have publicly shared their story, thank you! It has benefitted me on this healing journey.<br />
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I wrote about this in my previous post, but the reason I decided to wean off of Vimpat was due to the side effects, a year in, began to manifest. I recommend reading my my prior post. Below shows a bit of what was written.<br />
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<i>"After running the MRI for the third time since the seizures frequented last June, showing no change of the tumor at all, undergoing an EEG scan, as well as observing all my symptoms over the past couple months, we have confirmed that most of what is going on is coming from the toxicity that has build up in my system over the past couple years from the anti-seizure medication I have been taking. I have been experiencing noted side effects that have come in waves over the past couple years since I started this medication; the most intense one being that of disorientation and not quite feeling in my body. Its hard to describe the feeling. It feels like being a bit "stoned" and in a mild dream state. I feel within a dejavu state of mind, but also removed mentally from what seems normal and safe, with the inability to speak and operate. I perceive being in a state of terror with a churning sensation in my abdomen rushing up to my chest. This experience executes quickly, although it does not feel that way. </i><br />
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<i>Other side effects from this medication that I have been confronting over the past years include: shortness of breath, itchy skin, mood swings, dizziness, short term memory loss, sinus infections, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, anxiety, panic attacks, over-emotion and many others. I would say since I started taking it, I have experienced about 75% or more of the notated symptoms, as well as others. Vimpat is a newer medication which has only been out since 2009, not having as much research and information os other benzodiazepines."</i><div>
<br />Since the segment above it has now been a little over four months since I have been fully off of Vimpat as well as Ativan. I spent the past year weaning off of the Vimpat. The Ativan, since I had been on and off of it sporadically, I decided to "Cold Turkey" and abruptly stopped taking without weaning off. Overall the sudden wean off was not a good idea but here I am. One thing I have noticed from these groups is how different each of our bodies react, yet how similar. I know others, who are on a benzodiazepine or psychoactive drug withdrawal journey, can relate in the sense that they would take the physical symptoms any day over the mental symptoms. The mind games that these psychoactive medications like to entail upon our brains, is terrifying! Since being fully off of the medications, I have still been experiencing symptoms, both physical and emotional, which have been changing, which is good but also scary. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I start learning how to deal with and control a symptom it transforms and changes. The symptoms haven't seemed to be getting any worse, just different. In fact according to my medical daily journal which I have been keeping, ultimately its been BETTER! Although, when in the midst of it mentally, it does NOT feel any better! I am grateful that I have been keeping a daily medical journal, as its a good reminder showing me PROOF that I am healing, because sometimes mentally I do not feel that way at all and my biggest fear is that I am going to remain "stuck" in my crazy hallucination aura like brain symptoms and never get out.<br />
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The emotional symptoms caused by this drug withdrawal, to me, feel far worse than any of the physical symptoms, as well as far worse than anything I have experienced naturally. It seems to me that the emotional symptoms make the physical symptoms more challenging also, as my mind seems to be playing a fearful game with my body, and altering my perception of reality. I was hoping that once off the drugs I would start feeling better; not yet the case! I do have faith though and feel that the universe is teaching me the medication meditation of PATIENCE. At this moment in time no matter what vitamin, what diet, what meditation, or healing session I am undergoing, as much as they may and do help; I am discovering that ultimately it is TIME that is the true healer. Also, as much as these online groups and blogs have been helpful they have also helped me discover that everyones time, symptoms, side effects, and experiences are a bit different. Listed below are the main mental withdrawal experiences that I have been feeling over the past year and especially over the past four months. All of them have not been 24/7 but seem to consistently come and go and are up and down and have also changed slightly or altered along the way.<br />
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<b>DEREALIZATION, DEPERSONALIZATION:</b><br />
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I feel as though Ive lost my full sense of personal identity. Everything at times seems unreal and dream-like. I feel a loss of sense of direction, place, time, and surroundings. Sometimes when I am talking I feel like it is someone other than myself talking. Things seem distant and vague. This sense of derealization is scary at times as I feel like I am not in this body and don't know who I am. I feel like I am in a bad dream and need to be shaken awake back into reality.<br />
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<b>NERVOUS, ANXIETY, PANIC, FEAR:</b><br />
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These past three months of being off the medication have been extremely terrifying. It hasn't helped that last time I checked there was a tumor in the brain, and although it hasn't changed grown or moved, last time I checked, that panic in my brain like to terrify me and tell me other stories. This feeling comes sometimes and it feels like a sudden, overpowering, chaotic and confused mental state of terror where I feel doubt-ridden and sometimes feel in a state of shortness of breath to the point of shakiness and hyperventilation with extreme nervous nausea and anxiety. I would say this is one of symptoms that seems to be present the most. I seem feel consistently in the flight or flight response with fatigue. In my medical journal I have labeled it FFF (fight or flight fatigue). When in this state I will feel like my heart is racing and palpitations, but then I will frantically take my pulse and it won't nearly be as high as I thought it would be. From this panicky state seems to come physical symptoms like shakiness and slight spasms. It feels like involuntary quivering, trembling, and distress. When I feel in this state I feel like a little girl going over the "what ifs" in my head. What if I stay this way forever? What if I am dying? What if the tumor is growing? What if my life is over? I have been seeing a few days here and there now where I don't feel this way! These days are beautiful windows of light that have been giving me the faith to hold on. <br />
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<b>DEPRESSION, SADNESS, CRYING FITS:</b><br />
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This has been like a hopeless feeling of failure and regret. Sometimes these sensations feel so intense that parts of my mind tell me I would be better off dead. This side effect seems to be one of the deepest and darkest and my mind seems to often go into a space of regret. Regretting ever cutting my brain open, regretting ever taking any medications. My mind when in this state seems to hold onto those thoughts of life would be better had I never made those decisions. Yet here I am and I made them and now time to let go and stop holding attachment to them, although when in this space of depression that seems hard. There have been some days that it actually feels painful to smile. I have been trying to find TV shows, movies, books, and distractions, but even those seem to hurt my eyes to try to do as well as seem hard to even try to do. Sometimes having fun, being silly, and acting "normal" seems impossible, and I feel like an outsider alien looking in at other people and how much better their lives seem. I know I have already been a beautifully sensitive person, but since these withdrawal symptoms that seems to have heightened to a state that is not so beautiful, like crying and bursting into tears for no reason. I am learning to just have that be OK and to cry and let it out! But man it has been tough!<br />
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<b>EMOTIONAL SENSATIVITY:</b><br />
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Above I spoke about how I am already a sensitive being but that emotional sensitivity seems to be over heightened throughout these withdrawal symptoms. The slightest provocation seems to upset me. At times I feel myself suddenly breaking out into laughter or drying or doing both without being able to control this outburst of emotion. These episodes feel unstable and seem to be caused by experiences and events that I normally wouldn't feel emotional about. Things I would normally shrug off seem to fill me with an outburst of tears, or with rage, or cowering in a state of terror.<br />
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<b>HALLUCINATION, AURAS:</b><br />
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Thank goodness the past couple weeks I have not been experiencing these, but towards the end of my wean off and the first couple months of being off I would have auditory hallucinations. This experience seemed to be a feeling that started in the lower abdomen where there is a fluttering nervous sensation that seems to rush up to the belly and then twirl up to the chest, to the throat, and up to the brain. This sensation is followed by creepy voices that at the time I know exactly what they are saying and it feels like a dejavu sensation, although afterwards I couldn't tell anything that they said. While this is happening there is often a sour metal like dripping sensation in my throat. It feels like I have just taken a hit of acid or some drug and going into a drug like panic sensation. There also is often a frightening come down sensation with an upset stomach, a head brain throbbing feeling, and a serotonin drop feeling. When I have felt this sensation coming on I always want to turn off any sounds whether it be music or voices or anything, as it seems to enhance the sensation. They seemed to last anywhere from 20 seconds to a few minutes. Thank goodness these seem to have subsided in the past couple weeks, but what I have been feeling now is more aura-like, almost like a being high feeling that is like a hallucination but much much lighter, however it seems to last longer; anywhere from 10 minutes to a couple hours. Its like a hallucination seizure like experience is trying to come but won't. There are parts of me that sometimes wish it would just come already so I could reset, instead of feeling like its trying all day to come. However deep down I know this is a good thing and is part of this detoxing experience, but its still frustrating, terrifying, and hard.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: medium;">FORGETFULNESS, MEMORY DISTURBANCE:</span></b><br />
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This symptom is one that started even while on the medication, as well as some of the above symptoms also, which is part of why I decided to wean off. I often feel unable to remember things that I would normally ordinarily remember. Ive noticed its mostly short term memory that has been a struggle. It seems to be doing a bit better since being off, but is still a frustration. Like meeting someone new and having a deep meaningful conversation with them, and then perhaps running into them a week later, and they may look vaguely familiar but having no recollection of what we talked about or who they are. Obviously this is something that would happen on occasion even before the medication, but since the medication has been overly enhanced and to an alarming and frustrating point.<br />
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<b>EXCITABILITY, OVER-ENHANCED SENSATION TO STIMULI:</b><br />
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This sensation comes about from all my senses being overly enhanced. This is one thing that has gotten remarkably better in the past couple weeks also! But bright lights are aggravating, being startled very easily, weird smells, weird tastes, and just feeling over-stimulated!<br />
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<b>Vision:</b> Like I mentioned, bright lights are alarming and sometimes seem to trigger hallucination aura experiences. Also the eye always seem to feel dry and burning. A more recent symptom has been feeling cross-eyed and seeing floaters and spots.<br />
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<b>Hearing: </b>This is a big one for me. I seem to wear ear-plugs 90% of the time. Everything seems much louder than normal and can also be startling. Another related symptom here that I have been experiencing is tinnitus. Lots of ringing in my ears, all the time, especially at night.<br />
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<b>Taste:</b> The taste that comes about often is a metallic sour taste even when having put nothing to taste in my mouth. Also the taste in general when I am am eating or tasting something seems to be distorted, either under-enhanced or over-enhanced. Sometimes I will take a bite of something and immediately the taste will make me feel nauseous or dejavu like. Its hard to fully explain, but the point is that throughout the wean-off and during these withdrawals, my sensation of taste has been distorted.<br />
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<b>Smell: </b> This sense seems to be over heightened immensely, and is also one of the senses that seems to stimulate aura like sensations. Smells seem creepy and familiar at times. Sometimes I smell stuff that is not even there to smell. Like it will smell like someone is cooking pizza and there is nothing being cooked at all in the house, so I wonder where the smell is even coming, and then that brings up fear and other sensations. Also a recent example that I have experienced, was the past month loving the smell of this particular incense and then suddenly last week having it be a smell that seemed to trigger aura like sensation and hating the smell to the point that now if I smell it I feel nauseated.<br />
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<b>Touch:</b> Again, similar to above, it is over-enhanced. Lately I have been enjoying touch though, as long as I know its coming and its not someone coming up fast behind me and me getting easily startled. But having someone hold me or hug me, or getting a massage has felt good. <br />
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<b>OTHER SYMPTOMS:</b><br />
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Below are a list of other physical and mental symptoms that have come from these medications that I have experienced prior to, during wean-off, and/or during withdrawals:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Headaches</li>
<li>Sinus Issues!</li>
<li>Itchy, burning, numb, staticky skin (especially scalp, but all over body)</li>
<li>Weight loss</li>
<li>Indigestion</li>
<li>Constipation/Diarrhea</li>
<li>Burning frequent urination</li>
<li>Sore/Achy body</li>
<li>Insomnia</li>
<li>Menstrual irregularities </li>
<li>Eyes: dry, burning, pressure, itchy, seeing spots, vision blurry</li>
<li>Ears: dry, burning, pressure, itchy, sensitive</li>
<li>Shortness of breath (feeling winded)</li>
</ul>
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For those of you that have been following and reading my entire blog, I would love to share with you that a couple weeks ago I was having a very intense day with lots of seizure activity and the ego brain kept telling me it was all that tumor thing growing and had nothing to do with medication withdrawals, so I ran to the ER. They did an MRI and sure enough, NO GROWTH! The tumor had not changed at all. This news has definitely been a relief off my chest and confirms what I already knew which was that what I have been experiencing is due to medication withdrawals, and has nothing to do with tumor. It has not made the withdrawal symptoms go away but definitely has helped quiet my mind and also re-assured me the power of intuition and my gut and that what my heart has been telling me is correct and how crazy the mind likes to convince us otherwise.<br />
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One beautiful thing that has been helping me through this is God. Faith! I have started going to mass almost everyday at 12:15pm. I consider it my benzo withdrawal group. Hehe. This has been a true test of my faith, and at this point I feel that it is just me and God. Like I said earlier I can take as many vitamins, tea, healing sessions, etc... but ultimately it is time, patience, and FAITH that I have discovered are the true healers; faith being number one! My biggest test the past few months has been being able to surrender to that and how to find the balance between surrender and holding up my sword and shield. My fear for surrendering has been that if I surrender that means I will die, and that is SCARY. I am learning more and more that yes surrender may mean death, but not necessarily death of my human body, but more so death of the stories and thoughts and attachments I am holding on to. I don't feel quite there yet but in this moment I surrender!<br />
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A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night to having an elongated seizure like aura at 1am which felt like an elongated panic aura that seemed to go in and out of hallucinations. I was fully conscious and aware and it felt like a dejavu rollercoaster fear sensation with body spasms and jolting. I was fully conscious and slightly able to talk but not fully. It seemed to go on and on and on and fear seemed to grow and grow and grow to the point where I had no choice but to surrender. I lay there in bed shaking and reciting over and over in my mind, "I surrender I surrender I have faith I have faith!"<br />
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At this time I have had one or two days with "windows" which I know doesn't seem like much, but even an hour or two during a day of darkness that has a light of feeling "normal" helps uplift my faith. For these windows I am grateful. Like I mentioned earlier no matter what herbs, diets, vitamins or therapy I do right now ultimately it is TIME that is the true healer. We have however, found an amazing doctor that seems to have a lot of experience with psycho-active drug withdrawals, as well as hormonal, pancreas, and thyroid related issues. He takes a very whole holistic outlook at everything and talks about the power of less being more and my body needing time, and rest. He talks about the sensitivity of the nervous system, and how much time and rest it needs in order to fully recover. I hope to continue working with this doctor so long as the universe provides the needed finances in order to do so.<br />
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Another blog post will be coming, whenever the time is right. And like I mentioned, I didn't even feel "ready" to post another post. However, felt inspired to do so by others who have shared their healing story with me. The power of sharing! Here I am. I am sharing. I stand here rooted in my body! Alive! Amen. And, for that I am grateful.<br />
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<br /></div>Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-41044312832749103542017-04-19T17:34:00.006-07:002017-05-04T10:10:51.584-07:00Medication Frustration Shifted To Meditation TransformationHello there, its been a while since my last post so I decided to write and fill you all in with where I have been the past couple months. Like I mentioned in an early post, I have been experiencing seizures, and auras, and a feeling of disorientation, and a lot of uncontrolled fear. I remember calling my dad one day in tears and shaking saying to him,<i> "I feel like I just took a drug and now I am having a bad trip and don't know how to come down! My brain doesn't feel right!"</i> And his response back to me was, <i>"My daughter, you are taking a drug. A drug that effects the way the brain works and can build up toxicity in the body and create these side-effects you are experiencing."</i><br />
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The medication I am currently taking, and currently weening off of is called Vimpat (Lacosamide). This is an anti-epileptic drug that is a federally controlled substance (Schedule 5) because it can be abused or the body can become dependent on it. The number one most important thing about this drug, which is written on the Vimpat website is, <b>"Do not stop taking Vimpat without talking to your healthcare provider. Stopping Vimpat suddenly can cause serious problems."</b><br />
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After running the MRI for the third time since the seizures frequented last June, showing no change of the tumor at all, undergoing an EEG scan, as well as observing all my symptoms over the past couple months, we have confirmed that most of what is going on is coming from the toxicity that has build up in my system over the past couple years from the anti-seizure medication I have been taking. I have been experiencing noted side effects that have come in waves over the past couple years since I started this medication; the most intense one being that of disorientation and not quite feeling in my body. Its hard to describe the feeling. It feels like being a bit "stoned" and in a mild dream state. I feel in a deja vu familiar state of mind, but also removed from what is in any way normal or safe. I feel in a state of terror with a churning sensation in my abdomen which rushes up to my chest.<br />
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Other things I have been experiencing as a result of this medication over the years include: shortness of breath, itchy skin, mood swings, dizziness, short term memory loss, sinus infections, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, anxiety, panic attacks, over-emotion and many others. I would say since I started taking it, I have experienced about 75% or more of the notated symptoms, and possibly even some non notated symptoms, as Vimpat is still a newer medication which has only been out since 2009. <br />
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What I have been journeying through the past few months has been aura and seizure like activity which has been occurring every 1-3 days. I have moved back to Virginia for a while to be able to get things on track and in order and to put my health number one in my life during this medication ween off, as well as to spend time with my family, re-root in the clean fresh mountain air, and study for my National Exams. We are working with a specialist,<a href="http://www.theroadback.org/trbprogram.aspx" target="_blank"> James Harper</a>, and his THE ROAD BACK ween off program, which I started on in January. The program, related to the medication I have been using, is about 10-12 months. The reason it takes this long is, the brain has built up addictive qualities and me weening off too quickly could cause even more seizures than I am already experiencing, including grand-mals as well as intensified other activity in the body. As badly as I want to be off of it now, its something that I am learning needs time and patience. This medication which is suppose to be an anti-seizure medication has over the years caused me to feel disoriented and in a different dimension. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been experiencing many aura like experiences which I am conscious for. They generally are only about 30 second - 1 minute experiences, but feel much longer. Its a feeling of being stuck in a nightmare and not knowing how to wake up, and then I wake up, and here I am still alive in this body. <br />
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Some of the seizures have just been auras and not so much seizures, but over the past few months every 3-4 days the auras have escalated into a short 30 second black out which is known as a "partial" seizure, which I showed a video of in my previous post. I am still experiencing them on occasion, although they seem to have lessened a bit. The Chinese herbs, diet, vitamins, CBD, and lifestyle I am living are helping these symptoms lesson, but I am also having to learn <b>the beauty of faith and of patience and of just sitting with the fear instead of fighting it!</b><br />
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I keep thinking I have worked through the regret of getting the biopsy but the thoughts keep arising in my mind of wishing I had never had my head ripped open and that none of this would be happening had I not done that. But here I am and I did it, and <b>I am here in this moment right now, alive and having these experiences. Thats all they are is experiences! </b>The brain likes to put so much meaning and story behind each experience. I am sick of telling this story about this tumor thing and blah blah blah!! I am ready for a new story! I am currently reading a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza called <i>"You Are The Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter." </i> He speaks about his own personal amazing health journey and the possibility of healing without drugs or surgery. <b> I am right now changing my story and releasing my past story, and although Vimpat has felt like poison, and the biopsy has felt like destruction I am letting go of those stories right now! </b><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: justify;">“Your thoughts and feelings come from your past memories. If you think and feel a certain way, you begin to create an attitude. An attitude is a cycle of short-term thoughts and feelings experienced over and over again. Attitudes are shortened states of being. If you string a series of attitudes together, you create a belief. Beliefs are more elongated states of being and tend to become subconscious. When you add beliefs together, you create a perception. Your perceptions have everything to do with the choices you make, the behaviors you exhibit, the relationships you chose, and the realities you create.” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">― <a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/345332.Joe_Dispenza" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Lato, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Joe Dispenza</a>, <span id="quote_book_link_21859178" style="background-color: transparent;"><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/25335080" style="font-family: Lato, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter</a></span></span></span></div>
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<b>In this moment what I am experiencing is being born. </b> A homeless man approached me earlier this year asking me how old I was, when I told him I was 33 he looked at me and stepped back and smiled and said, "<i>This is the year of your resurrection and rebirth! It may not be an easy year but it will be a beautiful one, have faith and hang in there!</i>" I will never forget those words. Each time I wake up I appreciate what I have and do not take anything for granted. I am allowing my body to release what is no longer needed, and to strengthen and heal what is needed. When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman, filled with much strength and compassion, as well as faith and patience! This is a beautiful life adventure I am on and there is so much beauty still waiting to be unfolded. I have realized the power of drugs on the system and the power of interfering with the body and how much that can take a toll on the human body. I have also realized how much the mind and the ego and the "stories" take a toll on the body as well. I have become aware of how strong the human body is in recovering from those aspects, so long as I don't keep doing them and am now giving the body the nutrients, the love, the patience and <b>THE FAITH </b>needed for its full recovery!<br />
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The fact that this experience has not done one thing that the first doctors claimed it would do, is proof of how ultimately we are our own doctors!! And just because we are told one thing does NOT mean it is the truth or it is real. Our OWN bodies and our OWN beliefs are what create us. Like Joe Dispenza says:<br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;">“And can you teach your body emotionally . . . what it would feel like to believe in this way . . . to be empowered . . . to be moved by your own greatness . . . to have courage . . . to be invincible . . . to be in love with life . . . to feel unlimited”</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;">― </span><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/345332.Joe_Dispenza" style="font-family: Lato, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Joe Dispenza</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;">, </span><span id="quote_book_link_21859178" style="font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;"><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/25335080" style="font-family: Lato, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter</a></span></span><br />
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<b>This being said, here I am. I am alive. I am well. This is an experience. I have much beautiful work and play left to do in this body, so here I am. I am healthy. I am whole. I am love. I am.</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span><br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-65440349917410625312017-04-10T06:29:00.004-07:002017-04-10T06:29:52.864-07:00The Garden of Weeden<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">There is a bigger blog post in the works that will be sharing more of this adventure iI have been on, but for now here is a poem also explaining it in a nutshell. This poem was written by me today in Deepa's garden which is full of weeds, and I sat there correlating the weeds to my own (fear, anger, seizures, worry, stories, obstacles, hardships) and this is what came out!</span></span></span></div>
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<b><u>The Garden of Weeden:</u></b></div>
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The new moon sets</div>
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And starts to grow.</div>
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The trees dance wild</div>
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As the sharp Santa Ana winds blow.</div>
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The plants they speak</div>
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a sacred song.</div>
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Connecting to earth</div>
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Where they belong.</div>
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The shadows they move</div>
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And around they play.</div>
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As the sunlight guides them </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">to show the way.</span></div>
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The seeds lay covered</div>
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Within the darkness of earth</div>
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Surrendering to the rain </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">to awaken to give them birth</span></div>
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The plant is born and </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">shoots up to the sky.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Up to heaven</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It wants to fly.</div>
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
As the flowers come</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And begin to grow.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Along comes the weeds</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Telling them to slow.</div>
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
As the plant surrenders</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
To all the weeds.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It feels stuck AGAIN</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Like a baby seed.</div>
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Since the weeds remain, </div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">with the plants.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
The flowers rise up and</div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"> ask the weeds to dance.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
From this dance, </div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">the plants can see</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
That heaven is on earth,</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And comes from the seed.</div>
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
So thanks to the weeds</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
For changing the play.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
To allow the plants to</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Find the way.</div>
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Heaven is also here </div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">on this earth.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Keep those roots grounded and </div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">remember their worth!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Love, Gabrielle</div>
</span>Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-22449114562035644242017-01-15T21:36:00.000-08:002017-01-15T22:06:49.917-08:00Shaken To Awaken<br />
Govinda Govinda Hari Hari...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_cJd6vXdDCw6QNouw7rTNuOj1NSKfo35JQBr5vl6YPbSoC5QSpmYg3lV_XEI712De6aAfDWxlBcTDP7pb2K_HprjWMZvPnhP0Fs7kBnbTK6nAiPscEIRLMIUOIN3ki-1njQlm9pgQ_3k/s1600/rain_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="353" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_cJd6vXdDCw6QNouw7rTNuOj1NSKfo35JQBr5vl6YPbSoC5QSpmYg3lV_XEI712De6aAfDWxlBcTDP7pb2K_HprjWMZvPnhP0Fs7kBnbTK6nAiPscEIRLMIUOIN3ki-1njQlm9pgQ_3k/s640/rain_thumb.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">"Father open the flood gates of heaven and let it rain!"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
Before I get started I am taking this moment to PAUSE... to look out the window and to watch the rain...RAIN RAIN RAIN!!<br />
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Los Angeles and California have been in one of the biggest droughts of all time, and now for the past few weeks it keeps on raining, and raining, and raining. My body, my spirit, my light, has been feeling down, cold, wet and dark just like the rain. I feel scared, sad, and frustrated. I feel bereft of joy.<br />
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I wish the massive clouds full of rain would stop! But here they are in full! And deep down the earth needs it, so perhaps deep down I need it. The rain is falling on the earth to force it to rest and to receive, and the earth is having no choice but to surrender and to take in the rain. <br />
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So here I am. Even though it feels hard to breath, I breathe. Air comes in and out of my mouth and lungs. And although it feels scary to have my heart beating so quickly, it is beating. In this moment, I reach towards my inner earth and feel the presence of the damp cold darkness, to have faith and to open to feeling its beauty but also its shadow. It is hard to put my umbrella down and to feel the rain. I liked my cheerful protective umbrella! It allowed me to enjoy the rain and be in it, but not be soaked in it. Here I am, umbrella tossed away, laying on the earth soaked in my journey.<br />
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This past year, starting this summer has been one of my greatest challenges faced. I have been experiencing seizures on and off throughout this entire journey. But end of May, around the same time I was prepping for my graduate exam for acupuncture school, grand-mal full body shaking seizures seemed to succumb to my body. They were coming on every 2-4 days and would start with an aura and then go into a full body shake, where I would tend to fall on the ground and bite my tongue, this would generally last in full 3-5 minutes, but then had about a 20 minute come down before I would feel normal again.<br />
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They seemed to slow down a bit into the end of summer and fall. I started to study to take the grad exam again. I passed the first portion of it in November, which I had to fight for, but rose above. Throughout studying for the second have of exam which was this January, I began to start having very small seizures, called auras. I actually started calling them "nirvanas" to look at them in a different way.<br />
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I felt fear arise a bit more throughout these. I have currently been feeling the mantra of surrender, but when the seizure takes of, I feel as though surrender get sucked away. Or perhaps it is surrender that is forced upon me pushing me down and holding me on the ground. I have posted below a video of me having a seizure. This is very vulnerable to share, but I wanted to do this to continue to surrender and to love every wave of my life and I know there are many out there going through similar as well as different life awakening challenging experiences and it feels good to come forward and share.<br />
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<i>When a seizure begins, it feels like the sensation </i><i>of taking a giant bong rip of weed, starting in my lower abdomen a rushing nervous sensation rushes up my belly and stabs into my chest, igniting rapid palpitations of fear and extending upwards a rush of blood to my head. A sudden sense of familiar unprovoked fear and unexplained emotions flash unto me. </i><br />
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<i> I then fall into a deja vu experience having a feeling of whats happening has already happened, a sensation of everything thats being said or witnessed I have already experienced multiple times. </i><br />
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<i>Sometimes I hear voices talking, that aren't the ones actually talking, as if I am in a lucid dream-like state and at any moment could awake. These sensations are then followed by extreme sleepiness, over-exhausted emotion, massive headaches, sometimes chills, as well as confusion. </i><br />
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Ive been the the hospital twice in the past week. The first time was on Monday, my friend Jarrett brought me. I have been having seizures twice a day the past 3 days straight and then on Monday I had 4, the last one being with him and was a mini blackout, so we decided to head to ER to check out and see what was going on. Five hours later the ER released me and told me to come back later in the week to meet with my neuro-oncologist. <br />
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Tuesday morning I met with my CBD doctor. I have decided to religiously get back on a plan with CBD and THCA oil to work towards stopping seizures as well as weening off of the vimpat medication, which I truly believe is part of what is causing a lot of my symptoms.<br />
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Wednesday morning I awoke, the entire right side of my body was numb and felt weird to move, my neck was in severe pain and the entire right side of my head felt a stabbing sensation, as well as my sinuses were stuffed. My body felt like it wanted to have seizures and the brain seemed to be skipping beats, but a full seizure wouldn't come. To the hospital we went. My good friend Jim drove me there, waiting in the waiting room with me for two hours, finally I got in, Jim had to leave so there I was alone in my bed, I emphasized to the ER staff it was time to do an MRI. So off to the MRI I went.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kLhAsmwpY_z5ELt6Ly_3o08jUS8mlwJjm-n3cnpHmzXqFMxiFKylJpjDsxZFaVaBe8QGskpQqJ3jY2Axwkh42Z2IgJv5CuBgwYMHQFUxvW9FG-zdQKrXmVAY5SfoxGexXmXpmcLrIa0/s1600/IMG_5055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kLhAsmwpY_z5ELt6Ly_3o08jUS8mlwJjm-n3cnpHmzXqFMxiFKylJpjDsxZFaVaBe8QGskpQqJ3jY2Axwkh42Z2IgJv5CuBgwYMHQFUxvW9FG-zdQKrXmVAY5SfoxGexXmXpmcLrIa0/s320/IMG_5055.jpg" width="240" /></a> I was terrified!! I wanted to know so badly what was going on, if the tumor would show growth of if the sinuses would show inflammation. I wanted answers! I was also scared to get them, and the whole time I felt like I was on a psychedelic bad trip that I couldn't come down from. My friend Lisa showed up just in time, as I was laying in my bed waiting for the results of the MRI. Lisa began to perform an energetic reiki session on my body as we waited. It couldn't have been at a better time, my body began to calm down. Shortly after the nurse ran over and shared with us that she had seen the MRI scan and the notes of the reading state that THERE HAS BEEN NO CHANGE IN THE TUMOR since the previous MRI. Nothing. I burst into tears. Scream like sobbing jolted out of my chest. I didn't know what I was feeling, just a wave of emotion was swooping over me.<br />
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A half hour later the doctor came over and confirmed what the nurse had said, that there was no change at all on the MRI, and also no showing of any sinus infection either. He then released me and scheduled me to meet with the euro-oncologist as planned on Friday. There definitely was a HUGE weight lifted of my chest, a certain fear that felt released and given space to rest. I assumed that on Friday I would be told to take higher dosage of my anti-seizure med, and possibly recommended some sort of chemotherapy again. My assumption was wrong.<br />
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The doctor seemed a bit unsure himself, and I found it beautiful that he admitted that to me, he told me not to increase the dose of medication and in fact that we should do an EEG scan next week to monitor where these seizures are coming from and what is going on, and that there is always the possibility of the medication playing a slight role, as well as stress, anxiety and other such developments.<br />
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I intend to go in and do the EEG scan in the next couple weeks, but I also intend to get this trip to India up and running. We are currently narrowing our options between two hospitals at the moment, to fully see which one will be the best fit. Thank you to the help of my friends my fundraiser is bringing in more funding, I only need to raise a few thousand more and I should be on my way! I am in the works of getting my visa rushed to me. I have also restarted on the ketogenic diet plan to see what unfolds. Right now I am exhausted, I am tired, and I am grateful.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDgAeA2VUwShamnAK9-gYwfNIRaxXQ5fvHYZnX5cbXTUGHV9_mV3RFlIHAjlELzXSm8N5Gty0nDZvmmOusZ2ddqz335iJWUgEE2X3xC6DFe8S7ZQo3ilJc9fPn7uO7bU5VMFzJl_lZR2A/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDgAeA2VUwShamnAK9-gYwfNIRaxXQ5fvHYZnX5cbXTUGHV9_mV3RFlIHAjlELzXSm8N5Gty0nDZvmmOusZ2ddqz335iJWUgEE2X3xC6DFe8S7ZQo3ilJc9fPn7uO7bU5VMFzJl_lZR2A/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="293" /></a>This morning I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes and a smile on my face. The grass outside was greener than green. Tears of gratitude flooded into my heart. I had a seizure yesterday and another one today. I have truly felt the fear of death sitting on my heart the past few days. This body I live in is so temporary, and the people and energy I surround myself with are of utmost importance. This experience has been providing me with an even deeper awakening of what is of utmost importance in this life, which people in my life matter the most, which vibrations help guide me to unravel the human who I truly came here to be and how to appreciate every moment of this body and this lifetime. I am currently staying at my friend Marnie's house. She is looking after me. <br />
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My body feels exhausted and tired, a similar feeling to how I felt when I came have after the surgery. I am forcing myself to stay put, to rest and to be watched after. At this moment is hard, I am vulnerable, and it brings up a lot of emotion in me. Today I am feeling better than yesterday, and for that I am grateful. Ah Ho.<br />
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-61259452826841622272016-09-27T23:53:00.001-07:002016-09-27T23:55:23.487-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
The Health System Sanity Project</div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-2711590179084901362016-08-31T20:44:00.001-07:002016-09-01T07:45:15.752-07:00Two Steps Forward - One Step Back<b>August 31, 2016</b><br />
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<b><i>Two steps forward - One Step Back!</i></b> I am learning more and more that for every peak, there's been a valley. For every leap forward, there been a stumble backward --- sometimes just an inch, and other times, what seems like miles. I am starting to realize that progress isn't always what I pictured of being a steady, constant ascent of perfection, but that true progress isn't always linear. Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light. Here I am in the darkness, and trying to read my blog right now makes me nauseous and angry especially the post I have been working on which I have pasted below. I wrote this about a month ago, and I keep not wanting to post it, perhaps out of fear, or feeling like I haven't fully experienced the lesson I am suppose to be learning, or how to even write about it. So here I go, I am surrendering and sharing it regardless and continuing to be vulnerable. In this moment I feel frustrated, I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel tired, and thats okay!!<br />
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<b style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">August 9, 2016</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">33 years old! About a month ago was my birthday. WOW! What a beautiful life thus far. Iv'e been wanting to write for a while, but the words have not had the ability to come forward. The past few times I tried, my hand froze and would not move. The movement that I was feeling instead were the tears streaming down my cheeks from my eyes.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">This morning the phrase came to my mind "fight or flight," which I just looked up the definition of this term, which is:</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></span>
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">"The instinctive psychological response of the nervous system to a threatening situation, preparing the body to fight or flee, associated with the adrenal secretion of epinephrine and characterized by an increased heart rate, increased blood flow to the brain and muscles, raised sugar levels, sweaty palms and soles, dilated pupils, and erect hairs. This situation is readying the body to either resist forcibly or to run away."</span></i><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">I have realized now that throughout the past couple months this body I live in has experienced full on fight or flight, attempting to run-away as well to resist forcibly. Neither route has seemed to work at all, and here I am exhausted. The aura that is felt right before a seizure comes on, interestingly, feels very similar to the definition above as well. As I was looking up the definition of "fight or flight" a song by artist Jose Gonzalez began to play. The words began to give me goosebumps as I took them in. I looked at the title of the song which by no coincidence is called "Stay Alive." As the lyrics unfolded they defined for me perfectly what has unraveled for me in the past couple months.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Theres a rhythm in rush these days</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">In a world gone shallow</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">In a world gone lean</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Sometimes theres things a man cannot know</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Theres no place to run and no gasoline</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Engine won't turn </span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">And the train won't leave</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Engines won't turn and the train won't leave</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">I will stay with you tonight</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Hold you close 'til the morning light</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">In the morning watch a new day rise</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">We'll do whatever just to stay alive</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">We'll do whatever just to stay alive</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Well the way I feel is the way I write</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">There is a truth and its on our side</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Dawn is coming</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">And I will wait for you tonight</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">You're here forever and you're by my side</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">I've been waiting all my life</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">To feel your heart as its keeping time</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">We'll do whatever just to stay alive</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Today, I look into the sun as a new days rise. The months of April and May were the first months in the past few years since the biopsy that I did not experience any auras, headaches, or brain/head activity and my body felt the healthiest it had felt in a long time. And then, the very end of May was the beginning of a series of grand-mal and petite-mal black out seizures, as well as some auras. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">The first one occurred when I was on my way home from a long day at school. I went to put my key in the mailbox to get my mail and then who knows how long later I woke up laying comfortably in my bed, with my mail at my side. Somehow during that time my body had blacked out but was still able to function and move. Somehow my brain knew what to do, like a robot subconsciously but consciously I was not aware of what was going on. As I woke up in bed, instinctively I knew what had happened, and I lay there exhausted and a bit numb. The only similar experience I can relate this to is like taking too many shots of whiskey and instantly blacking out and waking up the next day wondering what happened.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">Another frightening one occurred about a week later. I was on my bicycle, carrying a small package in my purse to the post office. I had my head phones in my ears, listening to music and had almost made it to the post office, when I felt a strange sensation of an aura coming on, like a slight feeling of being removed from my body. I ripped the headphones out of my ears took a big breath and had the thought to stop my bike and get off when BAM, I blacked out. I emerged fully out of the blackout while riding my bike home, suddenly thinking to myself, "what am I doing? what is happening?" I dismounted my bike and noticed my bike was completely bent and tore up and then I suddenly started feeling pain in my left knee and looked down to find it tore up and blood running down my leg. As I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to remember that I had gone to the post office and remembered a conversation with the woman that worked there. My tongue hurt and was swollen. I realized I had bitten it. I still am not fully aware of what happened that day but know that I had a seizure while riding my bike and possibly a grand-mal (shaking seizure) since my tongue had been bitten. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;">A week or so later another seizure occurred while in clinic at school. This one was the most frustrating, as I was near my final leg of finishing my acupuncture program and had been studying immensely for the first section of my grad exam. After this seizure occurred, the emotion that rose out of me, that seemed to push fear away, was ANGER! I felt as if balls of fire were flaming out of my skin. The conversation that came to my mind was <i>"Come on universe!! I am in my final stages of studying and preparing to be able to fully help and heal others in the world and you are bringing me these seizures during the worst possible time! I have been doing my work to help and heal myself for a while now, how much more do you want me to do?? UNFAIR! I have been patient and I have worked through a lot of shadows and now this? Could it have at least come after I took the exam, or after I finished my grad program?"</i></span></span><br />
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<b>August 31, 2016</b><br />
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I believe that I have been waiting and waiting to write, hoping that after I did an MRI I would be able to unravel and shift and have beautiful words of wisdom, or that the seizures would go away. Then I did an MRI which revealed NO CHANGE, NO GROWTH and that the tumor was exactly the same as its been since the first MRI. As beautiful as this information was I still felt lost, afraid, and confused, but my hands were ready to write.<br />
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So I wrote what is written above, but I have been waiting and waiting to finish it, because perhaps I was hoping I would not be experiencing seizures anymore and would have worked through all this shit. But here I am still having seizures and still in the shit. HELLO SHIT! You smell bad, but you are here, and so am I, so how can we accept each other? The quote comes to mind right now: <i><b>"I'll see it when I believe it"</b></i>, instead of <i>"I'll believe it when I see it." </i>No more fighting, no more flighting. And no more waiting and waiting. And my good friend Mark England says, "With my words, I create." So here it goes, my mantra is in this moment is:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I surrender. I accept. I feel. I love. I live. </span></div>
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I feel frustration. Hello frustration! I surrender to you. I accept you. I feel you. But I am here and I am alive and I love. A good shouting and yelling and screaming and punching and letting it out, and then reciting this mantra and loving all of it, even the shouting and yelling, is keeping a smile on my face.<br />
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I am currently researching treatment centers world wide, not just in the U.S. that have had a large success in healing brain tumors as well as seizures. I will keep you all updated as that unfolds, as I will need help creating a wonderful experience. If anyone has any knowledge and research of such places please feel free to contact me and send my way. I am reaching out as well and asking for your vibration, love, and prayers. I have always been an independent, confident, do it myself gal, but I am learning more and more the beauty and power of asking for help and fully receiving. So thank all of you. I love you. </div>
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-76184745785321140902016-04-11T16:21:00.000-07:002016-04-11T21:36:23.303-07:00Inside the Womb<br />
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Hello my friends, I am grateful to have you here today, taking the time to read what is written. For those of you who are new to reading my blog, feel free to check out <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a> or feel free to read what you see here. Whatever you feel is perfect! This thing called "cancer" makes me giggle as I continue to unfold on an awakening journey. Many shadows full of light continue to arise and here I am...still alive and breathing!<br />
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I have tried to write this post multiple times since my last official post in September, and every time I write my fingers cramp up and my mind blockades not even knowing where and how to unfold. My last post I wrote touched on vulnerability and not being afraid of sharing my authentic self with people in my life as well as with myself.<br />
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This past year has been a whirlwind, filled with many challenges, shadows, fears, emotions... but more importantly much growth, unfoldment, and so much joy! This past year has felt like the year of digging in the dirt so that I can plant the seeds so that this coming year my garden can begin to grow. In my last post I wrote, <i>"I am realizing more and more the importance of allowing darkness into my life and accepting it, like a seed in the ground. The seed in the ground needs to be comfortable in the dark and accept the water that is coming in and the dirt all around, in order to be able to slowly grow upwards into the sunlight."</i> I feel as though my seed is still in the ground. Its like my body has been shoved back inside my mothers womb to be able to experience a re-birth, into a new world.<br />
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I am each day recognizing the beauty of the science experiment of my own human body. Author, Dennis Merritt Jones, refers to the body as a biodegradable vehicle that the soul drives. I couldn't agree more! This past fall I started undergoing some hormone therapy, because we were able to recognize that when I was feeling seizure activity seemed to be happening between when I was ovulating and when my period started. I underwent an in depth assessment testing my hormones, which were all over the place. Boy has it been an experiment! The partial seizures have lessened in the past few months. I have adjusted somewhat to the sensation of having them, but it is still a bit scary. <br />
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I have never taken part in an ayahuasca ceremony but what I am experiencing is strikingly similar to the experiences of those who have, in the sense of feeling removed from my body, while in a lucid dream-like state, where I hear voices and seemed to be removed from reality looking in.<br />
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None of these have included the body shaking which is why it is medically called a "partial" seizure. <br />
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The most simple way to describe it would be that it is like having an aura, or being in a lucid dream state. There are three stages of it, 1. the coming on, 2. the full on state, and 3. the come down. I know what it is coming on because I hear distant voices speaking, the voices and sensation seem familiar, but each time I experience this "aura" it is a bit different but still "familiar." Once I am in a full on state, I am present, but incapable of communicating verbally. This lasts for usually about a minute, but seems to be MUCH longer. The concept of time feels muddled. Then following the experience there is a hangover, as I feel as though my soul is slowly coming back down into my body. Occasionally following these I feel cold to the bone with chills and chatting teeth, as though I have walked through a blizzard.<br />
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I wanted to include the journal entry written below, from this past fall. This entry, I have printed and placed by my bedside, so that I can read it anytime I begin to feel fear encasing over me. This entry is one of the most detailed and intense, well written and legible descriptions detailing how it felt to be fighting against this body I am living in which seemed to be trying to have a seizure. Every time I read this, I feel gratitude for the ability and the strength that the human body has to face itself, or for the "self" to face the human body.<br />
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<i><b>November 29, 2015</b></i><br />
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<i>This past week has been up there, one of the most physically straining and most intense episodes of my life. Not sure at all what is going on in my head right now, but pain as well as fear seems to have amassed my brain and body and taken over. I don't even exactly know what I am afraid of. Am I afraid of dying? Am I dying? Am I dead? No. Am I breathing? Yes. Somehow. The sensation that keeps coming about, which I am feeling a little of right now, hopefully is either passing or perhaps I am just getting used to it and allowing it. Either way I am still feeling it and I feel stoned, and removed from my body, like an onlooker looking in. I feel abdominal sensations of a piglet running in my belly, playing games, giving me symptoms of wanting to deficate but not being able to get up from my bed to be able to even try. Being able to take a full breath into my body seems to have become a challenge... My head is POUNDING!! There seems to be a drum battle with my head against my heart to see who can beat louder and stronger! My brain is wanting to hide away and hear silence! </i></b><br />
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<i>My throat is dry and burning and raw. My sinus cavities are pounding with cold dry and painful air shooting up my nose and into my brain, and I wish it was going fully into my lungs instead and opening up my heart, which feels like it has been constricted into a metal sharp, cold, and pounding prison ball. My chest is tight like a hard knot and seems to be putting pressure on my left side where my heart is, as I can feel it pounding and shooting pain up into my shoulder. My entire body feels tingling and numb. One second seizure like activity keeps happening every few minutes. When it does I feel removed even further from my body for an instant and my chest, shoulders, and body seem to twitch forwards and upwards abruptly as my eyes blink strongly and my jaw clenches inward and tightly as I abruptly push air that doesn't seem to exist out of my lungs. </i></b><br />
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<i>My body feels succumbed and motionless, drowning into painful numbness. I want to scream and run far far away from it all, but my mouth seems to be closed and unable to move and my legs seem incapable refusing and forcing me to embrace the darkness and to surrender to the fearful pain... and not need to know the answer to where this experience is coming from or where it is taking me, but to just recognize that all it is is just an experience and that is all and to not put meaning into it. </i></b><br />
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Re-reading my journal entry above as I write this blog post brings tears streaming down my face. Being alive fascinates me! Fear intrigues me! I have been treating a patient with acupuncture and herbs whose cancer has spread from his bile duct to his liver, stomach, and intestines within a short period of time. He was scared, and felt afraid to die, as well as felt physically in immense pain. Being given a death date by the doctors seems frustrating and fearful. The dictionary definition of fear is :<i> an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or threat. </i> The "belief" is an interesting way of phrasing it. And what is a belief? Definition says that it is "<i>an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists, trust and faith and confidence of something."</i> So in stating this I am finding beauty that believing that death is peaceful and magical and not a threat or painful is a powerful way to change a belief that seems to have been ingrained and is only a belief. <br />
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This patient has now passed along into the next realm that we call death. It was beautiful getting to know him for a short period of time and I did feel the emotion of sadness and tears rise up when I heard of his passing. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I feel in a place at this moment in time where I do not feel afraid of dying. What I fear most is others around me dying because of the feeling it feels to feel loss. What is death? The definition of death is: <i>the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism, the state of being dead, the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue.</i> Does anything permanently end?<br />
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This body feels like a speck of stardust in a massive universe, connected to all the other specks of stardust in the universe. And I love living in it. My last post talked about vulnerability and making myself alert and aware of vulnerability has heightened vulnerable opportunities in my life, and I feel that I am faced with these exciting challenges often these days. <br />
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About a month ago I was experiencing sinusitis and severer pressure on my brain and had some very intense auras for a week straight. Herbs and acupuncture helped release that and I am now feeling AMAZING! Right now has been the longest I have gone without experiencing an "aura" seizure, and for that I am grateful. As far as the tumor and its existence... I don't know! Its been a while since I checked. When I do I will keep you posted. More importantly right now I am in the works of creating and putting together a documentary to follow my story as well as unfold and to help others who are facing their shadows, as well as be able to raise some funding to go down to Mexico and undergo some healing at an amazing institute where surgeons and energy healers stand side by side. My goal is to be able to give more awareness to our country of how this integration of medicine can be beneficial. <br />
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This blog feels incomplete, and thats okay! I am learning to embrace incompleteness and love every moment of it. I will leave you with this: Below is a video of how much fun can be had while sitting in the shower and hearing my voice echo!<br />
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My album has also been released which I refer to as "surgery of the soul"! This album tells its own story and has come about from this tumor experience. For anyone interested check out:</div>
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<a href="http://gabriellesundhari.com/">gabriellesundhari.com</a></div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-2280263782844124232015-12-11T14:15:00.003-08:002015-12-11T14:15:31.390-08:00Conscious Lifestyle Magazine <div style="text-align: center;">
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The words below are from a recent post in Conscious Lifestyle Magazine, which can be viewed at:</div>
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<a href="http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gabrielle-olko-interview-brain-tumor/%C2%A0" target="_blank">http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gabrielle-olko-interview-brain-tumor/ </a></div>
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This magazine offers so much besides just a beautiful interview they gave me. I highly recommend checking it out! </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "palatino linotype" , "arial" , "helvetica" , "tahoma" , sans-serif; line-height: 24px;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Blessed With a Tumor: How a Brain Tumor Changed My Life For the Better </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "palatino linotype" , "arial" , "helvetica" , "tahoma" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">AN INTERVIEW WITH GABRIELLE OLKO</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-h8DeW4paFCu9IyEwWGf-a_5uWgOr9ghm2iWI928e3kdedBk85RejJ9CXg7WAw_NM7BPcxiKsYXjUA-2tVu7DTaQY2fJLG1-6cOIcYYBp-oDSPzlHFsAyTv1bDsX3uhZny7tfYqtoiMQ/s1600/brain-tumor-interview-girl-sun-backlit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-h8DeW4paFCu9IyEwWGf-a_5uWgOr9ghm2iWI928e3kdedBk85RejJ9CXg7WAw_NM7BPcxiKsYXjUA-2tVu7DTaQY2fJLG1-6cOIcYYBp-oDSPzlHFsAyTv1bDsX3uhZny7tfYqtoiMQ/s640/brain-tumor-interview-girl-sun-backlit.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-align: start;"><i>Everything we experience can have a positive and negative interpretation. Which will you choose? Photo: Julia Caeser</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>Conscious Lifestyle Magazine:</b></span><span style="background-color: white; font-weight: 300;"> Hi Gabby, so we have had the chance to get to know you a bit behind the scenes, but why don’t you share your story with us of what led up to the point of when you found out about your brain tumor diagnosis for our readers? </span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">Gabrielle Olko:</span> I moved out to California in 2010 to study acupuncture. A year and a half ago I was in a moped accident where I was taken to the hospital. Because I was not in an enclosed car and my head had the potential to be injured, although not noticeable, the hospital for legality reasons ran a CT scan, which surprisingly showed that something was present. They followed the CT scan with an MRI and returned to me with the results letting me know that there was a malignant glioma tumor present that was unrelated to the accident. I was than admitted into another hospital to undergo a biopsy, which led to a final diagnosis of a malignant oliogodendroglioma located in the left frontal and temporal lobe in a location that they would not surgically be capable to remove. In the past year I have released the idea and words of the tumor being “mine” and simply call it the tumor. So many people, as well as myself, have a tendency to say “my cancer” or “she has cancer,” and I have really unfolded the beauty of learning to not attach to it.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> How did you initially feel when you found out about this brain tumor diagnosis?</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> I felt like my body had been thrown to the ground and scattered into pieces—beyond what it felt like to be in shock on the road from the accident. The moment the pre-med student entered my hospital room and told me, I felt as though I had died.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> At what point did you decide to shift into a <a href="http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/positive-affirmations-guide-prosperity-rewire-mind/" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; -webkit-transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">positive, empowered mindset</a> about the experience?</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> There were many points and many shifts, and there still are, but the 2nd or 3rd day in the hospital I was laying there in a depressed “why me?” state and suddenly the news flashed on about the tsunami in the Philippines where over 10,000 died and 600,000 suffered severe injury. At that moment I lay there and cried and thought, “Why am I still alive? This life is a gift, and here I am alive for a reason! So alive!” From that moment on I knew that this was a gift, which has unfolded my journey in this lifetime in a beautiful way. Another moment that uplifted my positivity and gratitude was with our mutual friend, Kyle Cease. I met him at a little bookstore talk that he gave that was <a href="http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/healing-meditation-mind-body/" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; -webkit-transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">healing, from the heart</a>, and inspirational. After the talk I walked up to him, and as shared my story, he held my arm, looked me in the eyes, and automatically responded by saying, “You are so incredibly lucky to be able to experience this beautiful journey at such a young age! You get to go start living and experiencing life and to throw all the bullshit away.”</div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b>CLM:</b> How has doing that impacted your life? GO: It has truly impacted my life by helping me face many challenges and let go of many obstacles. There’s an aspect of loneliness that has been a huge obstacle for me most recently, that I am now finding beauty in allowing it to transform and to learn to embrace the beauty of aloneness. Whenever a physical medical fear arises or an emotion, I feel much more ease being able to use my empowered mindset to help shift me into a better place and to recognize this body that I am in and this life that I am living is no dress rehearsal. I am in full on play mode right now, time to be alive and enjoy every moment of it. The quote. “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” from Mary Anne Radmacher shines through to me and gives me strength at the end of the day, that exactly where I am is okay; right now is okay! I know the human body, especially my own has a tendency to want to race ahead or have thoughts of, “I’ll feel better when…” I have learned to accept and love the idea of loving exactly where I am right now and allowing it to flow. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuRAzHEcU66CBfIB5tvlmnn8gK6JOGENX-rZbwLboiO8WO8ZQ7XwpuFXIdO4srdVtZOHIsNZIp38HHbnoyvJABwb-n5_DI0AvsYogutMCGEQg4ZJX3tvQZP02WMJmThp87MoMwbFNsS08/s1600/Gabrielle-Olko.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuRAzHEcU66CBfIB5tvlmnn8gK6JOGENX-rZbwLboiO8WO8ZQ7XwpuFXIdO4srdVtZOHIsNZIp38HHbnoyvJABwb-n5_DI0AvsYogutMCGEQg4ZJX3tvQZP02WMJmThp87MoMwbFNsS08/s640/Gabrielle-Olko.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gabrielle Olko</td></tr>
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<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> What are some of the biggest lessons you have learned from this experience?</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> The idea that people have about “fighting” cancer seems absurd to me; to me fighting is having fire be thrown at fire, and causing the fire to get bigger or be left burnt out on the ground. I believe that allowing it to not be a part of me, and just watching as it passes by and thanking it for passing by is the best approach I can take. I have learned to not call it MY tumor, MY cancer, or say “I have cancer” or “She has cancer”, which is something that I have noticed is the way most people tend to address it. I have learned to say “the tumor” and phrase it in a way that doesn’t allow it to become something that is me or that I own. This enables me not to become attached to it or a part of what has presented itself.</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> Do you have a message for other people out there experiencing a tumor or other serious illnesses similar to yours?</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> Time to start living! You are so lucky to be able to go through such an <a href="http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/synchronicities-12-keys-mystical-reality/" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; -webkit-transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">incredible life journey</a>! What a gift!</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> And what would you advise people who have a friend or family member experiencing such a condition?</div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> This is a good question. You should ask my mom! [laughs] I think mainly just being there for them is of utmost importance, also not pushing your treatment ideas, cancer treatments, and everything and anything that they should be undergoing right now that you know of. The best treatment is to just be there and listen and laugh. Also being able to stand strong and to not constantly show the “I feel so sorry for you!” card. To be able to reconstruct your own thoughts to instead thinking of how beautiful and amazing and strong and magnificent this person is on their current journey.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">CLM:</span> Wow, that is so beautiful. Thank you so much for talking to us today and sharing such a great message of perspective and presence.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">GO:</span> Absolutely. Thank you!</div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">About The Authors</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype', Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; vertical-align: baseline;">Gabrielle Olko</span> is a life and health coach currently in her last year of grad school to obtain her M.A. degree in Oriental Medicine and L.A.c. in Acupuncture. Halfway through her studies she found out there was a tumor in her brain–a diagnosis that has awakened for her the light and beauty within the challenges that life presents. She considers it her “extra credit” course in becoming a healer. She is part of a new foundation called Be Your Own Cure that educates others about alternative healing modalities and the importance of becoming our own doctor, and is soon to appear in a medical documentary about her healing journey, which you can follow along with through her blog: <a href="http://www.evolve.org/" rel="nofollow" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; -webkit-transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility; transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out; vertical-align: baseline; visibility: visible;">brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com</a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">See more at: <a href="http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gabrielle-olko-interview-brain-tumor/#sthash.Li60F5Lq.4vMivkBM.dpuf">http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gabrielle-olko-interview-brain-tumor/#sthash.Li60F5Lq.4vMivkBM.dpuf</a></span></div>
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-36004031502905123362015-09-17T09:58:00.003-07:002015-11-23T17:22:24.321-08:00Healing through VulnerabilityThe letter below was written to a new friend that came into my life a few months ago. For the first time I felt scared to share the beautiful journey I have been on. The first day I met him he shared with me that his mom had cancer, and that it had metastasized, so he and his brother had moved back here to be with her. It felt immensely beautiful to have him share with me about his family. But I instantly started to feel nervous and scared to share with him how much I could relate, as my ego screamed at me that if I shared that he would want to run away. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a loved one, especially a mother, and I don't know what would be easier, losing them instantaneously or slowly saying goodbye. One thing that I have learned is how precious life is and how feeling lost and feeling fearful and feeling sad and feeling pain are a part of this magical physical journey here on this earth. This past weekend I went out to Joshua Tree, in the desert for Bhaktifest. The message that was shone brightly and spoken loudly to me from the universe was, "The more you're pushing, the more it's pushing back, so you can't rush you're healing. Darkness has it's teachings. Love is never leaving. You can't rush your healing." - Trevor Hall<br />
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The message of allowing space, not pushing or rushing, allowing darkness and not needing answers, has been shining through in so many areas in my life. It has shone through with my healing, with my profession, and with people in my life. I am realizing more and more the importance of allowing darkness into my life and accepting it, like a seed in the ground. The seed in the ground needs to be comfortable in the dark and accept the water that is coming in and the dirt all around, in order to be able to slowly grow upwards into the sunlight. And just because I feel like a seed lost alone in the darkness doesn't mean that love isn't still feeding it's way in and creating space for me to grow. Space is another intention that has seeped in over the past month. The beauty of allowing space, not rushing, and accepting and allowing and not needing answers, as well as giving love a chance. Love for myself, love for others, and love for love. That being said, the letter written below was to this amazing man I recently met but it was also to myself. I read the letter to my sister a few days ago and she asked me to post it in my blog, so here it goes. </div>
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<i>Dear Friend,</i><br />
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<i>I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter, but a pen just appeared in my hand and vulnerability just knocked me over and swished me back up. I cannot even fathom what you are experiencing in your life right now. The other day I stopped by my girlfriends house, who has been experiencing some of her own life challenges. She wailed about a near death experience she had gone through and seemed to be reliving it through a panic attack. Suddenly the energy snatched me and I felt taken over and my body tensed up and my breath choked. I felt as though I was strongly shoved against the wall and unable to move. I began to cry, my stomach turned over and over and I suddenly felt as though my mother had died. My mom right now at this moment is alive and still here, but it was as though for a split second, the universe had thrown me into your shoes, reminding me of this physical experience called life and how small and precious it is. A quote I read recently kept running through my mind, "Life is a brief intermission between birth and death." I feel fearful even writing you this letter, as I don't even know what to write and feel scared to bring more pain...but I am allowing my vulnerability and feeling love for it.</i><br />
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<i>The day I met you, your vibrational authentic energy mesmerized me. Something about cats approaching you several times on our walk to say hello, was beautiful, and the time you took out to give each one attention. Also having you teach me what a peppercorn plant-seed looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like...opening all of my sensations...oh pepper! You asking me permission to hold my hand and asking to give me a kiss goodnight was meaningful and felt good. I can't remember the last time a man has ever done that. I felt touched that you cooked me an amazing delicious dinner and took care of me on my birthday. I appreciate your steadfastness, strong drive, and outlook on life. I adore that you never wear shoes and are able to fully connect with nature and the earth. It meant a lot to me to have you send me wonderful pictures and words while you were backpacking with your friend in Colorado. The fact that you and I can lay on my bedroom floor and not say a word to each other and just be there...LISTENING...to the many sounds that most people never notice or take the time to do. Time. I believe time is irrelative, at times it seems slow, at times fast, and sometimes doesn't seem to exist at all. Hmmmm.</i><br />
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<i>Your physical body is stunning! So strong yet soft. Everything about it turns me on... Your eyes, your ears, your freckles, your mustache, your lips. Your mother produced a handsome man. You are strong and tall; a man of few words, but the words you say seem true and solid. I haven't known you very long at all, there , I'm sure, is much about you you I do not know. Maybe I will get the privilege of experiencing or maybe I will get the privilege of just writing you this letter, or maybe I will burn this letter and never give it to you... Whatever the case... None of it matters... Or maybe all of it matters. The song by Pretty Lights just started playing... All I can hear right now is " oooooooh sometimes I get a good feeling! I get a feeling that I've never never never never had before, no no,"</i><br />
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<i>When I first met you and you told me about your mom, I instantly felt terrified to tell you about my own kick-ass story! Which until that moment I had never felt scared to share. Fr some reason I immediately felt shy, like my journey would send you running the other way. But I realize life is too short and too magical to have that be a concern. This moment is all that exists. At any moment any one of us human beings could take our last breathe in this physical body. Life be too precious to hold back. If something or someone doesn't mesh with the wave I am currently on then so be it.</i><br />
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<i>Almost two years ago was one of the most life altering, life changing events of my life. I think I mentioned to you that I was in a big moped accident... What I didn't mention was what came from that. While I was in the ER, they informed me I had broken my shoulder. They came in later and informed me they would be running a CT scan on my head to make sure there had been no head damage in order to release me from the hospital. After running the CT scan, the doctor came in looking concerned and told me they would like to run an MRI as the CT scan had showed some inflammation. After the MRI, a pre-med student came in...and I will never forget his words. He look up at me as if he was talking to a piece of paper and recited, "there is inflammation showing upon the MRI that signifies that there is a tumor in your brain. This is not related to the accident, but seems to be a form of a malignant glioma. You will need to undergo further testing as well as possibly a surgery/biopsy to identify the type and grade of the tumor." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. In that moment the only thing my brain heard was that I was dying. Shortly after they came in and informed me that since i had no health insurance they would have to release me, giving me the name of the hospital that treated uninsured patients (somewhat). I can still see myself sitting outside the hospital alone on the sidewalk having no idea what the purpose of life even was, WTF!! My shoulder pain seemed instantly irrelative to the pain in my mind, as my brain was emasked in "thoughts" about that thing they call "cancer."</i><br />
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<i>Its a crazy sensation that the word "cancer" has seemed to create in this world. Two days later (with the help of my nurse friend) I got admitted to another hospital where I spent the next couple weeks. In the first few days there, I lay there blanketed by the shadow of my ego which screamed through my mind, "Why me? WTF!! I have never ever had a symptom, this is not real! What did I do to deserve this? Why are the worst things ever happening to me?" Instantly the news flashed on the TV and was showing the tsunami that was happening in that moment in the Philipines and the thousands and thousands of people that were dying. I feel tears running down my face as I write this right now. In that moment my ego dropped to the ground! My entire life story dropped to the ground and it was like I was laying there naked, experiencing a rebirth down the birth canal...emerging and taking my first gasp of air, bringing me life. Suddenly I looked around thinking. "WHY AM I ALIVE? I AM ALIVE! I am breathing. I am here in this physical body more alive then I have ever felt. I have been through so many near death adventures, how am I still alive?" This "diagnosis" aka GIFT, has made me the most alive I have ever felt. I feel gifted to have been given such a massive life awakening. The past couple years since the biopsy have brought me wonderful challenges. It has not been easy breezy healing from the brain trauma of having my head sliced open. There has been regret that has arisen from allowing fear to make the decision of having my skull cut open. Healing from the surgery has definitely been tough, but for the first time I have realized who my true friends are, and learning who I truly am and what I value, obtaining the capability of dropping the bullshit and learning to say hello to and making friends with fear, sadness, frustration, anger, and loneliness; accepting those feelings when they come and basking in them, instead of always fighting them to leave. Allowing the beauty of death to be my friend and to be with me everyday. Saying hello to death and recognizing its presence and importance. Death is what brings me life...or so I feel in this very moment. Like anything that thought could change. Like the ocean, always changing. I believe that's why the ocean brings me so much peace, calmness, freedom, clarity, and so much more. It is overflowing, ever-changing, strong, and washes everything away each day. I don't know if its age and growth or undergoing this life experience, but I have started seeing, feeling, hearing, and sensing life in a different way.</i><br />
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<i>I can't remember exactly what it was that you wrote in one of our first messages to each other, but it had something to do with the beauty of death, which immediately attracted me to you. Our conversations and dates have been far from the "norm." Your life outlook and demeanor fascinate and captivate me. Not many people I know (men I know) are vulnerable the way you were when we met. You beat me in sharing vulnerable life stories, sharing stories about your family, your upbringing, as well as your moms health. You shared with me your personal stories about your friends, your job , and your past relationships, much more than most people share within months of getting to know each other. </i><br />
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<i>I miss the joy of climbing trees, and sitting in tree houses, and playing with cats, and picking flowers, and sitting on old toilets on the side of the road, and aimlessly walking through neighborhoods for three hours in the dark. Thank you for bringing that back out in me, and thank you for sharing your family story with me, as well as for sharing your friendship. As much as I have felt eager to see you (feel eager to see you) and to hear your voice, I have appreciated the beauty of allowing space in a time of emotion and pain, and granting things to flow as they are meant to flow. I cannot imagine fully what you are encountering right now...and the pain and sadness that is running through. I feel special that you have shared with me where you are in your life, and included me in your thoughts.</i><br />
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<i>Aaaaah It feels good to breathe...as well as to lay here on my floor and let emotion pour from my body, relaxing my mind, my body, and my soul...which perhaps are not even mine. I like to remind myself, that I own nothing. The tumor came to visit, it never belonged to me. The thoughts, the materials, the world, the universe -- are not mine! I own nothing. I AM...and that is all. Or perhaps this entire letter is rubbish...all these words are nothing... or they are something. I don't know. But I do know that you are a rock! I am grateful that I met you.</i><br />
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<i>Much love,</i><br />
<i>Gabrielle</i><br />
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I never intended to actually send this letter (but, I did), and I never intended to actually post this letter in my blog (but, I did). My intention was to write it and burn it, and let it blow to the wind. But I have learned that what we intend does not always pan out. Setting intentions I believe is powerful but also allowing the intentions to be carried in whatever direction they like is also powerful. That being said, I feel completely raw and vulnerable right now and am learning to accept that feeling. Maybe I will hear from this man again, and maybe this letter will move him, or maybe not, but whatever happens is what is meant to happen, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Lastly, a couple months ago I posted onto facebook the question, "What is vulnerability?" Below are the responses that I received. Thank you friends, for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts on vulnerability. x<br />
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"Openly acknowledging and admitting to others the things about myself that my inner judge most dislikes..." - Jarrett Green</div>
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"Being able to be completely honest and authentic on all levels." - Lisa Olko</div>
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"Open to whatever happens." - Lisa Warren</div>
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"Raw" - Abby Gallagher</div>
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"...to remove your walls and be subjected to all the energies of our universe... to surrender... to willingly invite change and challenges... to abandon preconceived notions with a free mind... to have the strength to embrace your fears and weaknesses... to be vulnerable is to be open and prepared for a shift to higher vibrations!!!" - Eryn Withay</div>
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"Exposed. Naked. Without exception." - Carla Morris</div>
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"Letting my guard down and getting hit with a left hook (metaphorically speaking)." - Sidney Falco</div>
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"Vulnerability = courage = love = fearlessness." - Omar Chaudhry</div>
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"Vulnerability is an emotional concept/condition created by the mind. It is another obstacle that prevents us from knowing the truth of who we are. When we truly understand who we are then there is no definition for vulnerability - you are pure and simple, I AM or Beingness!!!" - Julianne Gardner</div>
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"Allowing myself to reveal emotional pain or physical weakness in front of others and looking like I need help, admitting to myself and others that I need help, asking for and being ignored, refused or accepting help. I have been working on this one a very long time. After 42 years it is still a challenge to sometimes let go of my defenses and be, admit, ask and accept the result, ask without judgement or attachment to who I thought I was or what I thought I needed from myself and who I love. - Andrea Renee Rivera</div>
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"Vulnerabilty is part of the definition of any living being. To be receptive to vulnerability is to be a participant in the process of becoming (a being). To hold onto that vulnerability, however is one of the many attachments that hastens the withing of the heart-mind." - Seth Leon</div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/XwHVS7Q5cOI" target="_blank">You Can't Rush Your Healing</a></div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-66703083297010637272015-05-21T19:33:00.000-07:002015-05-21T19:33:41.431-07:00Everything Comes And Goes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Its amazing to think that my last post was about four months ago, it feels like just yesterday. However much has happened in the last four months. For starters, my last post was beginning of January, and exactly two weeks after posting, I had an MRI scheduled and asked that my follow-up appointment be the same day. The MRI follow up appointment consisted of the neuro-oncologist telling me that in comparison to my previous MRI that it looked as though there was a bit of inflammation in relation to the tumor. Because of this he suggested that he believed I should start on Temador, an oral chemotherapy drug which is an alkylating agent used for certain brain tumors. I felt as though a massive punch slammed through my head numbing my ability to think clearly, causing my ego brain to start on a wild rampage of thoughts, one of which was the frustration of my last blog post addressing the same neuro-oncologist telling me that the tumor was actually it a grade 2 not a grade 3 like the other hospital had diagnosed me with a year prior.<br />
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I felt the ego thoughts screaming at me about my blog post telling me that I had jinxed myself into creating this. The thoughts started to swirl around my mind so wildly that I suddenly stepped away from them and watched them swirl and twirl, realizing that none of them have to control me at all. I was reminded that they do not define me; they are only thoughts that arise. Flooding into my soul came the true beauty and realization of the coming and going of everything in life, coming and going, conceiving that all that energy created around and controlled by thoughts can often be paralyzing both mentally and physically to my body, if I allow it.<br />
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The words of Swami Satchidananda helped me be able to step away from the thoughts that I thought were "me" and un-claim them and watch them swirl. He says, <em>"anger is caused by your own expectation, misplaced.. when you did not get what you want, you get angry... Loss!? what did you have to lose? is there anything that you could call yourself yours? theres nothing for us to lose, you came with nothing, you go with nothing. what do you lose? even the body is not yours. Everything that comes will go. Equanimity; when theres a coming theres a going, dont let your mind be affected by that."</em><br />
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The past few months I have been weaning off of Dilantin, which was an anti-seizure medication I started taking this past fall, prescribed by the hospital. I am currently weaned onto Vimpat, weaning off of Dilantin has been a challenge. There are a lot of things about weaning off a psychoactive medications that doctors don't tell you. In previous posts I have written about my Keppra experience, which was the first anti-seizure medication they put me on, giving me 4000 mg of right after the biopsy. The effects of being on that were unbearable for my body, and the effects of weaning off of it were scary. What I know now that I did not know then is the slower the wean off the better. During my wean off of Dilantin the past few months, immense physical and emotional symptoms have been present. Within 48 hours of weaning off the first capsule, my journal entry was:<br />
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<em>I feel palpitations right now, my heart is beating so fast and my chest feels tight. My stomach is in a knot, it is cramped and in pain, all over, from top to bottom and I feel nauseous. My mouth is dry and my body is lacking strength, I feel like I am stoned or drunk on drugs, hungover and removed from reality. I feel scared to fall asleep, I lay here and keep picturing a body removal approaching...its like I have experienced it enough times that the idea of it seems rather familiar but overly unknown and distant at the same time. My stomach turns, in chinese medicine we call it the running piglet, to me this feels more like 20 running piglets all running in different directions creating chaos. I feel chaos. I have not yet discovered how to make peace with chaos. I feel scared, alone, confused, I want to be independent, healthy, and strong, but I also want people by my side helping. However it seems when they do I want to push them away. I dont know how to sleep. I want to run to the hospital, but at the same time where is that gonna get me? </em><br />
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According to the doctors at the hospital, I couldve weened off the dilantin much faster than I have been, but thank goodness I discussed with them the importance of taking my time and the sensitivity that the human body can have when making shifts with a psychoactive drug. I am almost completely weened off of the dilantin and on my final haul.<br />
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I have started on oxygen therapy, which has been amazing. It feels calming and healing to lay in the oxygen chamber each day. The air pressure in the chamber is about 2-3 times higher than the normal pressure in the atmosphere, which helps the body carry more oxygen to organs and tissues in the body. It has been known to reduce inflammation as well as assist in treating cancer. There is a link <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/p/cancer.html" target="_blank">Cancer Resources</a> above on my home page that speaks more in depth about oxygen therapy if anyone is interested. It is used to heal much more than just cancer.<br />
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On April 17th, my friends held a fundraiser for me at <a href="http://www.bhaktiyogashala.com/" target="_blank">Bhakti Yoga Shala</a> where I practice yoga as well as partake in weekly chanting that continues to be an avid part of my healing plan. The fundraiser was wonderfully overwhelming. It was definitely a life lesson for me to be able to open myself to the love and to accept the fact that I am worth it and deserve to be given this wonderful event in my honor. The night consisted of a silent auction, a raffle, live music, food, friends, and so much healing love. Our band <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Amrit-Velas-Kirtan/534433440028656?fref=ts" target="_blank">Amrit Vela</a> put forward a beautiful set, as did many other musicians that performed as well. A bit of money was raised that evening, but more importantly there was an overwhelming amount of love. The amount of healing love that was channeled towards me that evening felt a bit like a brain surgery happening, where once put under I did not have any control over the amount of love and healing that was flooding my way! Even if I tried to push it away, it would not have been possible. Thank you to each and every musician that volunteered there music as well as every person that helped set up, as well as each friend that came to partake in the event. I will never forget this evening.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Amrit Vela Band</td></tr>
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I have passed my pre-clinical exam and will be starting my internship next week, where I will be in the clinic at my school treating patients. Passing my pre-clinical exam was a challenge in and of itself. I failed the exam twice in the past two years and studying for it and giving myself a drive of determination along with my healing has been a kick-ass challenge. I give myself a huge pat on the back for finally passing. Passing that exam has allowed me to know that I have the ability to handle anything that comes my way. <br />
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Right now, I am not undergoing any type of chemotherapy as suggested by the neuro-oncologist. I appreciate him reaching out and caring for me in the best way he knows how with the knowledge that he has. As of now I am partaking fully in oxygen therapy 5 days a week as well as continuing to stick to the ketogenic cancer diet and CBD therapy. I have not yet gone back to the hospital to partake in any more scans to see whats going on, I intend to wait until I am finished with my dilantin ween off as well as undergone 40+ oxygen sessions. Ultimately I feel the most important thing for me right now is to trust my body and give it some credit for its strength. Earlier today I wrote down my symptoms I was feeling as I undergo my final ween-off, I then reworded what I wrote to unfold my healing even further. I truly believe in the power of words. If we get stuck telling the same story over and over, it seems that we get stuck in that story and fail to drop it. I have been listening to a podcast <a href="http://asara.com/radio/" target="_blank">http://asara.com/radio/</a> by Asara Lovejoy in relation to her book <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvjoCBFRhYk" target="_blank">One Command</a>. It talks about living in the quantum field and stopping negative thoughts in their tracks and re-writing DNA codes for success. Instead of hating the way I am feeling and wondering why or hating the medicine I am taking and wishing I wasn't I am learning to re-write this aspects into positive healing modalities instead When I do so I notice an immediate shift in my body. <br />
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Earlier today I started to begin writing everything I hated at the moment about how I was feeling as I was having a slight reaction to the medication ween-off, but quickly stopped myself in my tracks and re-wrote my thoughts to change them.<br />
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<em>I feel as though I have taken the biggest bong rip of my life with weed that was coated in a psychoactive drug as well as shot up with morpheme which is numbing the pain but not the fear.</em><br />
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<em>RE-WRITE:</em><br />
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<em>I feel as though my body is undergoing one of the strongest most beautiful shifting and uplifting healing sessions. My body is currently flushing out every toxin and letting go of all the energy it no longer needs, and taking in the energy it does. My body is outstanding, strong and healthy! It is perfectly capable of handling its healing process. Everything that is entering my body and everything it comes into contact with has a healing effect. The medication I am currently taking is allowing my body to heal to its maximum capacity. I AM ALIVE. I AM HEALTHY. I AM STRONG. I AM.</em><br />
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Within 10 minutes of re-writing my thoughts, I felt my body shift and change. This aspect is still somewhat new and explorative for me, but I am fully loving every moment of my exploration. I will keep you all posted as the ween off fully completes itself.<br />
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-39670826951394549732015-01-09T00:03:00.000-08:002015-03-12T12:24:52.878-07:00Lonely... Alone... All One<div style="text-align: center;">
You cannot be lonely if you love being alone with the person you are with.<br />
~ Wayne Dyer</div>
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And the New Year begins...<br />
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I think the New Year is wonderful, in the sense that the brain is relating it to a set time and way to embark upon new things and make shifts in our lives. Lately I have been wondering if time is actually "set" or not, and because of that, could a new year begin whenever we desire? I did create a new years intention, which is to unfold and understand the idea of lonely and alone, and from this to learn to unmask the joy of alone. This intention has arisen within me the past few months. I find it amazing how as soon as a thought or question arises, the universe begins to send homework to embark upon as learning and guidance. Sometimes the answer and understanding comes right off the bat and other times it continues to unfold. And occasionally, what is thought and felt to be understood will take on a different form or question later down the road. When this happens, I tend to look back and smile and think, "Wow I thought I understood, but look where I am now at a completely new a understanding." And thus life is a journey.<br />
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Miriam-Webster dictionary defines alone: <i>separated from others, exclusive of anyone or anything else, considered without reference to any other. </i>And lonely: <i>being without company, cut off from others, not frequented by human beings, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation. </i>My friend Zach and I were chatting the other night about elements of our lives that we have been discovering and creating, and suddenly the word <i>alone,</i> to me, became two words, 'al'one. Miriam-Webster defines alone as being separated from others but I believe, it could be further defined as realizing that being with the self is learning that the self is all one.<br />
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In the past couple months loneliness felt immensely present in my life. I ended up going to the emergency room a couple times. The first time was because of intense headaches I had been experiencing, which seemed to last for days on end and were not dissipating. It felt bittersweet that my mother was no longer out here, all of my friends seemed to be busy with their own lives and I felt frustrated unsure and alone. I wanted to be alone but I also felt sad and lonely to be alone. To me, in that moment, it seemed more delightful and ensuring to go to the hospital and have the support and encouragement of the staff, which in the moment made me feel safer and comforted. Some seem to dread going to the hospital, but for myself, going made me feel relieved and protected. It also felt securing to see that I was not the only one that was going through an ailment. I look back on this experience now in gratitude, as perhaps I may not have needed to run to the ER, but it has made me more aware of learning to embrace the beauty of aloneness and in understanding that everyone has a wonderful challenge to embark upon in many different forms. Not to say that there isn't a time and place to go to the ER when need be and to undergo my own safety, but what I have left with and think back upon from that experience is the grace of learning to find comfort, encouragement, and support from myself, and the true wonder that arises from doing so. I appreciate the hospital staff, my mom, my family, my friends and everyone that has reached out and sent me so much inspiration and support, but it is when I learn to fully unravel those aspects alone with myself, that I truly feel "all one." The ego continues to bring to me aspects of feeling lonely, and I am learning to get excited when they appear and to feel them and say hello to them and to feel gratitude because I get to learn to shift lonely into alone into all one with myself.<br />
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This being said, after undergoing my hospital visits, and learning a little to feel happy being alone and letting lonely dissipate, I was scheduled for an appointment to meet with the neurologist and neuro-oncologist at Cedar Sinai. Last time I had been there, I had requested to have my entire case transferred over to them, which would include the biopsy sample being sent to their lab to undergo a second evaluation. At the appointment the neuro-oncologist walked in and said hello and than explained to me that their labs had been able to examine the sample. He stated, <i>"I have some good news for you which is when we took a look at the pathology here on the slide, we felt that it was actually more like a grade 2 oligodendroglioma and less like a 3 oligodendroglioma; so thats great. Usually when we're talking about things like high grade gliomas versus low grade gliomas, we usually consider high grade to be grade 3 and 4 and low grade to be grade 2.</i>" He noted that in their reports there has been a change. They have stated that, they recognize that it was reported to be a grade 3 by the previous hospital, but their observation has showed no evidence that that is the case and, they believe it to be a grade 2. He described that, to them this means that it is important to keep an eye on things, but that the rate of change and growth is slow and could go years and years with absolutely no change. He also confirmed that the fact that they compared my MRI from last year to the one that they took this year and that there is no change, confirms to them that it is not a grade 3 tumor. He exclaimed that we are in a different boat now as far as chemo and radiation goes as their directed treatment, because we are talking about a grade 2 and not a grade 3, as well as an oligodendroglioma which is the type of tumor that is less aggressive. He described that in terms of treatment that it has been watched for a year and he thinks the best idea is to just keep an eye on it, and if a year from now it hasn't grown to space out MRIs to maybe twice a year or once a year.<br />
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This being said, WOW. A year later getting a second opinion and a different outlook on where deep down, I have felt I have been this entire time, was very moving. Even though my body has known that that this was the case, there was an amazement to be looked in the eyes by a neuro-oncologist and told what I have already felt all along. I never had the intention of getting radiation or chemo-therapy, but to have him state that he thought it was best to hold off on such things as to not cause the body any further destruction, caused chills to run through my body in astounding peaceful amazement!!<br />
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He agreed with me in the outlook of what I have been experiencing in terms of headaches, seizures, and shifting in my body being associated directly with undergoing the traumatic experience of having my head, skull, brain and body effected by the biopsy. I am astounded that it is when I learn to fully embrace the challenges and become all one with alone and touch my hands to my heart and tell myself "I love you! I love everything you are, everything you have, and exactly the way you are!" that I have the neuro-oncologist look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what I have been desiring to hear. I giggle thinking that it is when I fully chose to let go of that desire and throw it to the wind, that it comes and presents itself.<br />
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-66518098530070408332014-11-11T09:17:00.001-08:002014-11-11T09:17:23.663-08:00Brain New Beginning : A Short Film <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Thank you to Lauren Peterson, who gave me the gift of creating this video. She filmed, edited and put together this wonderful short film. More to come! Anyone who is interested in putting together their own movie and want Lauren to help feel free to check her out at <a href="http://laurenpeterson.com/" target="_blank">http://laurenpeterson.com/</a>Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-77883757062987570012014-10-29T14:23:00.003-07:002016-12-11T13:04:38.507-08:00Dear Brittany Maynard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello My Loved Ones, I am grateful and blessed to have you here today, taking the time to read what is written. If you are new here, feel free to check out <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a> or feel free to just read what you see right here. Before I entail upon telling you all about the outcome of my wonderful hospital appointment, I would like to post a copy of what came out of my fingers a couple weeks ago the day I found out about the woman named Brittany Maynard who also has been on an astounding brain tumor journey, she recently has been on the news because she has decided to end her life. Reading my own words below has unraveled even more healing for myself!<br />
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<i><b>"The more you value and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to value and celebrate!"</b></i><br />
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<b>Dear Brittany,</b><br />
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<b>How can anyone decide when he or she will die? I too have been diagnosed with a tumor in my brain, that the doctors at the hospital have told me is inoperable. After the biopsy they suggested I undergo radiation/chemo treatment, for they believed the tumor could grow quickly. I have chosen not to partake in either and to live my life fully. Having to think about death everyday, as you and I do, makes us appreciate our lives here on earth every second, and that is a beautiful gift to us both.</b><br />
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<b>So, why not stay here in this physical vessel of a human body until meant to leave this Earth? And what is the beauty that is brought to us by suffering? I have no idea how long the tumor has been in my brain, but I do know that I do not own it, it is not mine. It has come to me perhaps for a purpose. It is in a location that the doctors have determined makes it unsafe to remove. But are the doctors God? Ultimately even we do not decide on our life, but God or (the law of the universal response) does. Today as I sat in the hospital, instead of having the doctor be the one that dictated my choices to me and told me what my destiny would be, I said to him, "Hello, I am grateful to have you in my life. Welcome to my healing team!" I have determined that I am my own healer. I have chosen a team of healers to help me on my journey, but ultimately the journey is my own, just like your journey is your own. My choices are my own, your choices are your own.</b><br />
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<b>I am grateful for the neuro-oncologist, the neurosurgeon, the neurology doctor, all the nurses, the acupuncturist, the herbalist, the CBD doctor, the energy healer. the nutritionist, the chanting/sound healer, and many other members that have been included in my team. Though each of them brings a different attribute and healing energy to my life, none of what they bring can ultimately determine what I should and should not do. No one can determine my destiny, my life, or my death. I cannot even determine that. The famous saying, "I'll believe it when I see it!" reformatted/reborn goes more like this: "I'll see it when I believe it!"</b><br />
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<b>Even if you only have a short time left in this physical embodiment before you head on into the next realm, why not help others on their voyage?! You are an inspiration to the entire world Brittany! Your voice has been heard! You are not alone in being told and you are not the only one that has been told by doctors that you only have a certain amount of time left on this Earth. You are not alone in feeling physical and emotional pain. Lets stand together and help those out there also on healing quests. I truly believe life is a journey, there is no destination. Death brings us life! One thing I am immensely grateful for in this moment is being confronted by death has actually AWAKENED me to life and has turned me from who I thought I was into who I truly am. The beauty of death has brought me life! For the first time in my life all the gossip/regrets/embarrassment/judgement/ and blah blah blah has been able to fall away and has left me feeling truly awakened. Death is a constant reminder to appreciate life!</b><br />
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<b>It's amazing that, at such a young age, you and I and many others are given this gift. A couple months ago, I wrote a blog post about a low moment I experienced. I saw myself as the woman on the beach with cancer who felt death sitting heavily on her shoulders. As I sat there feeling this weight, lightening came out of what seemed like nowhere--no more than 200 feet away from me--and killed two people on the beach! Just a reminder to me that death exists, and because it comes when it comes, it is time to live! Even if it's for one more day, one more month, one more year, 100 more years. We are on this Earth for as long as we are meant to be here!</b><br />
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<b>Having this unexpected journey with death coming into my life has brought me a BRAIN new beginning! Thank you for your inspiration. I recognize that your life is your choice; all I ask is that you share your passion with yourself and love yourself and your life! Let the universe take you onto the next path when the universe wants to take you onto the next path and for now in your last days, years, decades here on this Earth, REJOICE!! I would love to meet you!</b><br />
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<b>Love Always,</b><br />
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<b>Gabrielle</b><br />
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Writing this letter, and now reading it as I type it into this post brings tears to my eyes. Tears of passion, love, sadness, joy, and much GRATITUDE. Re-reading and writing this letter and thinking about how quickly and passionately it came out of my fingers without me even fully "thinking" about what I was writing truly has faith that the universe and unconscious are sending myself a healing through my own words. This letter has been what is resonating with me since my last post but just to let you all know my experience at Cedar Sinai has been positive. I am grateful to add them to my team! The tumor has showed no growth. They intend to have the biopsy sample shipped from UCLA Harbor over to their lab to re-check what they see. The one thing I love thus far is the treatment they have suggested has been radiation as well as chemotherapy but they have not been pushy about it and told me that they respect whatever I chose. The neuro-oncologist even noted that he thinks CBD therapy can be helpful. Here I am right now feeling LOVE LOVE LOVE. This moment is wonderful.<br />
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One link to Brittany's Story:<br />
<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/29/cancer-patient-brittany-maynard-scheduled-to-die-saturday-checked-last-item-on-bucket-list/">http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/29/cancer-patient-brittany-maynard-scheduled-to-die-saturday-checked-last-item-on-bucket-list/</a><br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-85263488646597021382014-10-01T23:15:00.000-07:002014-10-09T23:28:49.742-07:00Learning to Ride the Wave of Courage<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i>"I will try again tomorrow."</i></div>
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<i>- Mary Anne Radmacher</i><br />
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The above quote shines through to me and gives me strength at the end of the day, that exactly where I am is okay; right now is okay! I had my summer break from school about a month ago, in which I usually fly home or take a vacation. This time I took a stay-cation and studied for school a bit as well as studied myself. I have prescribed myself to not fly on an airplane for a while. In Europe after patients get any kind of brain surgery they are restricted from flying on an airplane for at least a year. The elevation of flying puts much pressure on the brain which is tough and after having undergone a biopsy less than a year ago, I have decided to give my brain a break. A stay-cation has been a beautiful challenge! But despite how much I LOVE to travel, getaway and explore, to have an adventure and leave where I am for a bit; I have also come to embrace that I have everything I need right here with me at all times.</div>
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Since my last post I have had about ten seizure like experiences, the last two of which were grand mal seizures (also known as a generalized tonic-clonic seizures), which features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions. These seizures occur when the electrical activity over the whole surface of the brain becomes abnormally synchronized. The brain's nerve cells normally communicate with each other by sending electrical and chemical signals across the synapses that connect the cells.<br />
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In people who have seizures, the brain's usual electrical activity is altered. Exactly what causes the changes to occur remains unknown in about half the cases. At the time it is unsure exactly where mine is coming from: the good news is, it does not seem to be from the tumor growing any larger! Perhaps the scar tissue is building up upon my scalp, as well as possible nerve damage during the biopsy, and last also, the one image I try to keep my mind on is that the nerves are regenerating within my head and practicing their generation moves right now, so they can grow to be strong and healthy! <br />
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I have gotten to experience a great deal in a short amount of time and I thank the universe that I was in the right place at the right time when each of these occurred. Every moment I am in I am exactly where I am meant to be. During last weeks seizure I even fell and hit my face on the floor. I woke up from my unconscious state, lying on my back with a neck brace on in the back of an ambulance, heading to Cedar Sinai Hospital. Apparently I had shaken so severely that it caused me to fall and obtain a black eye. They ran a CT scan on me and set up an appointment for me to come in later in the week, to do more scans and look over everything to see what was up with the tumor, but other than that they told me I seemed healthy enough to go.<br />
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On Monday my mother arrived from Virginia. She came to help me and I am ever so grateful! I know financially it was a hard decision for her and my dad to make, but they knew I needed help. Mom, bless her heart, is currently investing time and money into her own schooling to get an advanced degree in nursing but she and my father love me immensely and will do whatever it takes to be here for me as I would do the same for them. What amazing, wonderful, loving, inspirational, and healing kickass parents I have!<br />
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Considering all the obstacles that have arisen, my mom came exactly at the right time to help me through this. Last night, almost a week later I had another grand mal seizure. This time we drove back to Cedar Sinai, where I stayed the night and underwent some testing as well as an MRI. They seemed to think the MRI scan showed everything was alright, that nothing was growing and putting pressure on my brain. They will be going through all of my previous hospital records this week in order to compare MRI scans from last fall to the recent ones taken last night. The energy, attitude, patient relationships, and the compassion I have felt at this hospital are a lot different than the hospital I was at before where I underwent my biopsy. It feels good this time to actually have a place where I feel recognized and known by name and face. I feel that I can tell them where I am at and to not be criticized for the choices I make, whether I agree with their advice or not. So if anything comes out of experiencing these seizures amongst other things, it is my gratitude for having come to find a caring relationship with this new hospital.<br />
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Tomorrow I will be bringing all of my hospital records and they will review my case and my MRIs I will keep all of you posted as the weekend unfolds. This has been a pure challenge of my life. I never in my life could have forseen this coming or that my life would be this way in a year last fall this time. I am so grateful for all of my friends and family and anyone who has been reaching out, what a difference it has made!<br />
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My fathers album "Wait and Wonder" is now out. Below is the main song on the record, Wait and Wonder. The words say it best to the unfolding of our lives. I made a video of me surfing in Mexico to go along with the words. ENjoy! Much LOVE, Keep you guys posted this week as the scans unfold. And please please don't hesitate to send healing my way as well as everywhere else.<br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-67958884314031082902014-08-05T20:00:00.001-07:002014-08-07T12:19:03.962-07:00I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello friends,<br />
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My last two posts were about others in my life that have had an incredible influence on my journey. The first being the words of my brother and the second being the passing of an astounding friend. Now, I am writing to unfold where I have been and what I have been up to the past few months. My last post about my journey was two and a half months ago in May. I am now ready to share what I have been up to the past few months. Let me just start by saying thank you to all of you for sending immense amounts of love, healing and vibration my way. I send it right back to each of you. Today I am feeling immensely alive and awake, breathing in and out and feeling my heart beat peacefully and my mind calm and at ease.<br />
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I believe that we pass by instances everyday that have the "potential" to kill us; cars, shootings, waves, storms, and much more... Nature is truly powerful! Less than a week ago, my friend and I decided to go down to the beach, right by the Venice Pier, a spot I rarely go to. As we were making our way down towards the water, walking barefoot under the pier...BOOOOOOOOM... 200 feet behind us, lightening seemed to come out of nowhere and touch the earth. At least seven people were physically effected and brought to the hospital, one of which was in critical condition. The beach which was minutes ago crowded became instantly empty. About 30 minutes later, several lifeguards started jumping into the water next to the pier and began searching for a missing body, which much later after we left was reported found. A strike of lightening had hit the beach and another one, the water. There were so many people including myself that could've been struck or hurt by the lightening, but were not. This past week the concept of death has approached my mind even further. What a way for the man that died in the water to go into the next part of his soul journey, electrified with the oceans love! WOW. When I was standing on the beach when the thunder crashed, I actually felt the earth shaking under my feet. Carol King's lyrics describe exactly what I felt, "<i>I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down.</i>"<br />
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This experience brought back to me the time when I was in the hospital back in November as a newly checked in patient. I remember I was lying in my hospital room in sheer self-pity, shaking within, thinking "WHY ME?"Within a couple days of being there, I was informed about the Tsunami that had hit the Philippenes, killing close to 10,000 people, and I suddenly was shaken to the thought, "WHY AM I ALIVE?" This led me to acceptance, gratitude and an awakening of letting go of self pity, letting go of fighting and trying to control nature, and to just being there in the moment focusing on breathing and faith. Faith that why I am here is exactly why I am here right now.<br />
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Some of you may know that I have experienced having multiple seizures as well as outer body experiences over the past few months, which is part of why I have not yet posted. I have been unfolding and learning to fully accept those wondrous experiences as they arose within me. When I was in the hospital this past fall, they had me on 2000 mg of Keppra (levetiracetam), which specifically treats seizures, which I had never in my life experienced. The side effects while taking this medication can be MANY, some of which can be severe. Keppra, because it is specifically used to treat seizures, which are due to changes in the brains electrical activity, I feel, can be immensely altering to the brain. I remember shortly after I got out of the hospital back in December, I forgot to take Keppra for a little over 24 hours and experienced my first small conscious seizure. When asking the neurology department, who had prescribed me the medication, what was going on they informed me of the importance of not forgetting to take this medication because if stopped abruptly it could cause seizures. At this moment I thought to myself about the absurdity of being on a medication that actually had the ability to cause what it is meant to prevent. With the assistance of my integrative doctor I began to ween off, which was instructed to be done very very slowly. When I was home over Christmas, I was weening off but still taking on the medication. I forgot to take the Keppra again one morning and by the late afternoon experienced a seizure-like outer body experience coming on. As soon as I took the Keppra it went away. I began my ween off in December and was completely off of the Keppra in February. That does not mean it was not still in my system. <br />
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On April 25th I flew back from Florida, where I visited with an amazing neurology doctor who I spoke about in my last post <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2014/05/faith-fear.html" target="_blank">Faith and Fear</a>. The night I arrived back I spent the night with a close friend who has been by my side throughout the past five months. After we had fallen asleep, close to midnight, he awoke to my entire body shaking, which ended with me being in an unconscious state. I do not remember experiencing any of it. I awoke riding in the ambulance on the way to the hospital in Marina Del Rey. My body did feel like it had taken a shaking. I was informed that what had I experienced was equivalent to a Grand Mal seizure. My parents called our neurosurgeon in Virginia to ask for his input about the seizure. He explained to us that after having a biopsy the brain takes a while to heal and altitude pressure while flying as well as a shift in oxygen is known to cause the brain to alter. As I wrote in my previous blog, the next day I ended up at Dr. Hua Bing Wen's office, who has been my main doctor ever since. He is a doctor of traditional chinese medicine who practices acupuncture as well as specializes in oncology. He is incredible and has been with me every step of the way since I showed up at his office. End of May I flew back to Virginia for my younger brother's graduation. Within 48 hours of landing, I experienced the exact same after flight experience of an unconscious seizure while sleeping. My mother happened to be at my side for this one and we did not feel the need to run to the hospital this time.<br />
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However, 4 days later I felt the need to go to the hospital because of a fluid-like sac which had slowly been growing and was hurting on the spot on my biopsy scar that has been the most intense since the staples were removed. I ended up telling them about my seizure which caused them to immediately insert Keppra into my veins. They also performed an MRI to take a look at my tumor as well as check out the infection on the scar. They informed me the tumor was not putting any pressure on my brain and hadn't seemed to grow although they didn't carry records of all my previous MRI's and couldn't give me an exact answer about growth. They also informed me that there was nothing cancerous in terms of the infection on my staples and has probably been a small infection slowly arising and was ready to be released. The good news was there seemed to be no growth, and absolutely no spread; the challenge was being back on Keppra. We decided that this was alright and would help me throughout my flight home and I would ween off again when I got back to California. Two days after my flight back to California I did not have any Absence seizures but instead experienced the intense side effects of Keppra as well as altitude effects from the plane, which included nausea, dizziness, neck pain, body ache, headache, irritability, flu like symptoms, sacral pain, and much much more. I decided I wanted to get off of Keppra ASAP. The obstacle with that decision was the ASAP part. I thought that since I had not been on it that long that I could ween off of it within three weeks instead of three months.<br />
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Saturday, June 21st was the last day I took the Keppra, and the evening of June 22nd, I felt an aura surround me similar to the Keppra related seizure I had had in December. I stood there conscious but unable to move my body or speak. It felt like it lasted for 5 minutes, but my friends that were there said it only lasted under 30 seconds. The next day I experienced this sensation 3-4 times, including outer body experiences and hearing voices talking to me within my brain. When my mother heard what I was experiencing she booked the next possible flight out here. I spoke about faith and fear throughout my last blog post and this has definitely been a marvelous challenge of myself with these concepts. Throughout the next 5 days I experienced these conscious seizures every 3-4 hours. I am immensely grateful that my mother arrived and stood by my side throughout the entire process. She assisted me with the reminder of being in the moment and letting go of any fear that tried to arise. She asked me if I felt myself breathing, as well as if I felt aware and alive. And I did. I truly did. And I still do. Its amazing how fear tries to succumb and take over if I allow it to, and it can effect me physically and mentally if I welcome it.<br />
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While my mother was there I had been scheduled to take part in a healing workshop led by Kyle Cease called <i>Evolving: Out Loud</i>. I called them to cancel because of what I had been going through and I didn't feel that I could take part without my mother there. My call led to an incredible woman offering to give my mother one of her tickets. Talk about a healing experience with my mother! The morning the workshop began on Friday was my first day with no seizures. I had an immense headache, phlegm in my throat, body aches and other symptoms, but no seizures!!! The workshop (aka playshop) was incredible! My greatest gift from the workshop has been learning more in depth about the power of the mind and how everything we do is based on our thoughts and beliefs. By the end of the weekend my mind felt awake and uplifted and I wrote on my bathroom mirror which is still there now, "This gift has been given to me to reset my brain and give me a brain new beginning. Any obstacles that arise are actually gifts to uplift my brain, body and soul to an even higher awakening. I am a successful, strong, happy and healthy woman!" I have awoken to the fact that my body is much stronger than I give it credit for, and so is my mind. The human mind and body is incredibly powerful and strong, it is important to give them credit, respect and FAITH.<br />
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I have truly accepted that undergoing a biopsy is a process that could take me up to two years to fully recover from and that is okay! I am blessed that the entire procedure went beautifully and that I am breathing and alive today. Weening off, getting back on, and weening off of Keppra has been an outstanding yet wonderful obstacle that has awakened me to the vast effect that medication can have on the body and that it also can take time to clear from the system. I have chosen to be Keppra free, and with that I have made other choices as well which include not flying on a plane for a while, continuing to eat healthy healing food, taking my herbal medication, continuing to get acupuncture, and unfolding and learning more about myself and my body each day, but most importantly remembering to rest and give myself a break!<br />
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On July 11th I turned 31 years old. This year feels like the first year of my life. Following my birthday I had my last session with Sacha at the Benjamin Cancer Center, where I have occasionally gone to different cancer discussions and groups there. Sacha was the counselor that was assigned to me, by no coincidence. He helped me unfold an even greater aspect within myself that I am receiving with vast wonder. He has assisted me to open new doors and to reach out to others and ask for help and allow them to assist in opening even more windows and doors. He has allowed me discover what the doctors call a tumor in my brain to be given a different name, something that is not my own and has the freedom to fly away. What has seemed to be an obstacle has now turned into a bridge with many wonderful awakenings about life along the way. I have truly felt a shift in my energy and accept what is right here in this moment. Myself and other cancer patients have had a tendency to think, "I will be happy when I am cancer free!" or "I will be happy when this tumor begins shrinking." What I feel is, I am happy with where I am right now. <br />
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Its amazing to go from having seizures to being awakened by the immensity of uplifting positivity and letting go of negativity in life and how much of an effect that has on my mind and body and in doing so the effect it has on those around me. I am discovering the truth in the idea of the energy of those around me effecting my energy and the energy of myself effecting the energy of others. Since I am not driving, I have been taking Uber taxi's around town. Uber drivers are so friendly and amazing. A couple days ago I received an email from one of the drivers who I had shared a happy story with, although when the email first came it took me a moment to remember, for one because I have been spilling my happiness with everyone whenever I can, and secondly because it was a bit ago. After reading his email tears streamed down my face and I remembered exactly who the Uber driver was. His words are below:<br />
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<i>Hey Gabrielle,</i><br />
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<i>I drove you around Venice a couple of weeks ago, the night before my bday, and you challenged me to try and be positive for one day. I apologize for the delay, as I was out of town for work all last week, but I wanted to relay my experience. </i><br />
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<i>I found that it is a choice. At the start of every interaction we have we form an opinion about the people we meet. I found that when I was mindful and in the moment, the person I was speaking to fed off my energy and in most cases this tactic garnered a positive response. Even the ones who weren't necessarily the most responsive came around after a bit and I found they too responded to this simple act of kindness.</i><br />
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<i>Needless to say, Iv'e carried this over into my life and into every new interaction I am a part of. Its so easy to disengage, retreat and be uninterested, but I think what people really crave is the opposite. To be seen and heard. That is the one thing we share as human beings. </i><br />
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<i>Thank you for challenging me to step outside my bubble, look up from the screen, and engage in the world. </i><br />
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<i>Best, </i><br />
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<i>Ben</i><br />
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Thank you Ben for responding! His response is an uplifting act of kindness that has created a buzzing of beauty and love within my heart and soul for myself and for others, as well as an astounding reminder to engage with and be mindful of others. All of you that are taking the time out to read my posts thank you! It moves me to have each and every one of you in my life. Everyone around me has been an incredible vibration to my healing and I extend you the same vibration back, the more we can vibrate together the stronger the vibration is. For those of you that are new, thank you for visiting. Feel free to visit my beginning blog <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a>, or just stay wrapped up in this one because perhaps exactly where you are is exactly where you're meant to be.<br />
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Last week I had my appointment with the neurology department at the hospital for them to compare my MRI's from Virginia as well as the ones I took here in February. They said that there has been zero growth and they also seemed a bit setback by the fact that it is considered a grade 3 malignant glioma and has not grown at all. The neurology doctor even recommended that I take the MRI's as well as biospy sample to a neuro-oncologist to see what they would recommend. I have not decided if that is something that will be on my agenda or not. But from the sound and feel of all of it, I feel uplifted to know that no one, NO ONE can guarantee where my life will go. And it is good information for me to take in all outlooks of what is said, but to NOT take any the outlooks fully to heart and to know that my heart is my heart and my body is my body and my mind is my mind. I believe that my mind and body have a strength stronger than perhaps I can even fathom and in this moment right now my body is healing itself fully! All is well, nothing is wrong! Everything I am feeling is my body healing! All good is flowing to me and within me. I am strong! I am whole! I am healthy! <br />
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This past week I have gone surfing in the ocean twice, enjoyed the sun on my skin and the ocean water on my body. One of the times a large whale-shark about 20+ feet in length made an appearance to say hello. Right now I am so happy to be here and I am happy and in love with myself and with all of you!<br />
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LOVE ~ Gabrielle<br />
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Self portrait prayer shot and mother daughter photo, taken by an amazing photographer, </div>
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Joy Santos:</div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Joyful-Images-Photography-Los-Angeles/1478605329051465?notif_t=fbpage_fan_invite" target="_blank">Joyful Images Photography, Los Angeles</a></div>
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-66887883707836978242014-07-24T15:09:00.001-07:002014-07-24T15:19:32.679-07:00Brian JenningsThis post is dedicated to my friend Brian Jennings! This past month he was diagnosed with cancer and underwent several immense obstacles! Brian also started a wonderful blog that has inspired me with my own journey, pouring out his magnificent courage and strength. To our surprise Brian passed away, what seemed out of nowhere, about two weeks ago. And as sad as his passing may feel, it is a reminder, as Brian would have liked, for us to embrace life and rejoice his time here on earth and know that he is on to the next marvelous part of his journey.<br />
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I met Brian about eight years ago when I started working as a ski & snowboard instructor at Massanutten Resort in Virginia. I haven't really stayed in constant contact with him, but he has always been an inspiration to me throughout his life journey. One beauty of working on that mountain is that even if I go years without talking to the folks I worked with there, our bond will always remain, and when we do talk its like we have never parted. Its amazing the strength that nature has on us.Brian also worked as a guide on the river. I know Brian touched so many lives with this concept, positive attitude and brilliance, on the mountain as well as paddling on the river, where he helped others understand the strength and marvelous beauty that nature has on our souls. One of his friends posted a quote he wrote about the river which was, "Once you learn how to read the water, you'll never look at it the same again."<br />
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Just a few days before his passing, I sent him a message that went a little somethin' like this:<br />
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<i>Brian, </i><br />
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<i>Seriously... I know we weren't close close at THE NUT (aka Massanutten Resort) when we worked there, but I feel what you are going through, I really do! I wrote on your facebook wall but I wanted to send you this message. I HAVE CANCER ALSO!! However, cancer needs a new name. I believe the word cancer is vague and over-rated! Who knows how long the thing them doctors call a "tumor" has been in my brain, but it has been a journey. I have known it has been there for almost nine months now. Eight months ago I had a biopsy to evaluate what type it was. People look at cancer as a terrible thing, and yes there have been challenges, but its like you mentioned earlier, those challenges are like the river, when they arise they only make you stronger and appreciate life more. I have felt like I have been on a roller-coaster ride of challenging beauty!! I admire your courage, you are a strong man! The universe has chosen this for you because you can handle this and it will create a large influence on yourself as well as others and uplift your life to an even higher level!! I don't feel sorry for you! HAHAHAHA I admire you. Welcome to the journey of getting to appreciate and see a new meaning of life at such a young age. You are lucky! How beautiful that you have this thing they call CANCER! Not everyone gets to have this gift. I am here for you! If you want to talk do not hesitate to reach out. </i><br />
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<i> Much love , Gabby</i><br />
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<i>P.S. Brian your blog is outstanding, I have enjoyed reading your words. They bring to me inspiration and strength throughout my own journey!</i><br />
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Brian has been and still is, an amazing influence in my life with his strength, passion and outlook on life and the universe. Thank you Brian for making the world a better place and for bonding together our Massanutten, "The Nut" crew! Much love to Brian's family and friends in his time of passing into the next realm out there! Death is a miracle as well :)<br />
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"In paddling terms, it seems like it's kind of the unportageable and unscoutable. Guess you can only run it blind once...time to charge!" ~Brian Jennings<br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-89387290887701011502014-06-19T10:44:00.000-07:002014-07-02T18:51:01.001-07:00Time to Kill: by Cazzie Olko<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hey friends, I wanted to post a paper written by my younger brother, Cazzie Olko this spring, right before graduating his senior year of high school. He has always been thought of as my "baby" brother. He was born when I was twelve years old. He is and has been not such a baby anymore. Not only is he much taller than me but I look up to him in so many ways. The paper he wrote below brought tears to my eyes and has inspired me in so many ways to the importance of taking time each day to just breathe, and to be in the moment, and to focus on this moment only and not the past or the future. All we have is right now. Thank you brother for your wisdom, strength and courage. I am grateful to have you in my life. ** If you are new here, welcome! If you want to start at the beginning feel free : <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">The Journey: The Beginning</a>, if you don't thats cool too, no worries. Read if you like, close if you don't like! I love you all!</span></div>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Time
to Kill</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b> written by Cazzie Olko</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On
the first night of the Environmental Stats trip to West Virginia we
had the opportunity to do a solo in the woods. It wasn’t so much an
opportunity but more of “your getting thrown into the woods at dusk
with a journal, so sit and write.” On the bus ride up I was very
hesitant. I have a large imagination that gets frightened very
easily, and I greatly dislike being alone. It was dusk when we left
the parking lot and began to hike the trail. Mr. Johnson and Mr.
O’Donnell dispersed us throughout the woods to sit by ourselves for
an hour. I sat down onto a bed of moss, but that was
uncomfortable so I got up and moved to a new spot that gave me a tree
to lean up against. My first thoughts were filled with
marshmallows and escape plans. My second thoughts were about
the crazy West Virginian moonshiners that were going to kidnap, maim,
and leave me for the bears. Eventually I realized that this probably
wasn’t going to happen, and I began to settle into the night.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">As
the daylight dwindled, the environment flooded my senses. The moss
felt like a soft bed, the air smelled like an ancient wooded forest,
and the quiet rustle of night animals quickly came alive. The woods
contained a mystical air, and I suddenly became aware of the
timelessness of the area. I stopped writing and began to think deeply
about all aspects of my existence. Why am I living? What is my
future?, How will I die? All those deep, unanswerable
questions. The solo turned from a dreaded experience into a cherished
moment. </span>
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<span style="color: black;">When
I look back onto my senior year, there have been a couple of similar
meditative interludes. This past February I had a gig in Richmond and
ended up driving there all alone. As I drove I began to enjoy
this downtime for myself. I was able to listen to an entire Sly and
Family Stone album and think about college, career, getting married,
friends, and family. This drive led me to think about questions that
I for so long had put off. Another interlude was when I
attempted to do my AP Euro homework on a beautiful Saturday. I
started to become so fed-up and frustrated; the French revolution
seemed so pointless and was holding me back from exploring something
that really interested me. So I put it down, grabbed my guitar, and
went out on my porch and played, “Just Another Day the Lord Has
Sent Me” by Sam Cooke. It quickly morphed into a long -winded jam
with the music and outside energy leading the way. These three
interludes brought me to the realization that if we make time for
quiet meditation filled with openness, we would realize that it
wasn’t wasted time but a time to delve deep into our personal being
and help enrich ourselves.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">Spending
time by oneself is common throughout many different religions. In Judaism there are instances of the prophets like Moses going off
to be alone in the presence of God. The Buddha was awakened
through meditation under a tree. Daoist hermits live to very old ages
because of meditation and the search for the “way." These three
religions, Judaism, Buddhism and Taoism are fundamentally different, but they all advocate the
importance of meditative prayer. In the gospels Jesus was
driven alone into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit for 40 days
and nights and was tempted by the Devil. He took a retreat, a retreat
away from his disciples, away from food, and away from any worldly
connection. Jesus could have spent these days preaching the good
news, but he knew he needed to face the Devil because it strengthened
his teachings and finalized his mission on the earth. But obviously
none of us are Jesus or Buddha so how exactly are we supposed to find
time to meditate? </span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I
know in my life I am very busy. On one regular day I go to
school, have some after-school activity, then have to go home and do
my homework. In this schedule there is not a lot of time to try and
be Jesus or Buddha. Over the last year, however, I found ways to
integrate meditative time into my life. One way is a weekly yoga
class that forced me to meditate because that’s what Yoga is. As
the Bhagavad Gita says “abiding joy comes to those who still the
mind.” Secondly, I found that sometimes it does me better to not
overload on the homework night after night. Instead I use my time
practicing an instrument, doing yoga, or just sitting in my woods
watching the sun go down. Now I am not encouraging you to not do
homework because obviously it is a crucial part of getting an
education. I am more telling you to realize that it will do you more
good, when getting overwhelmed with work, to put it away for awhile
and refresh yourself spending time meditating. The work will get done
eventually. The last piece of advice I have to offer is that there
are a countless number of weekends and not everyone has to be spent
going out with friends. It gets tiring. This year, some Friday
or Saturday nights, I would just chill out and have a night for
myself. I found time to waste and grasped onto the opportunity and I
deeply encourage everyone to do the same.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">Now
maybe you are seeing this sermon as a defense of senioritis, but I
see it more as showing that wasted time can actually be time well
spent. Yes, maybe I didn’t excel at homework this year, but I did
manage to become more confident in myself. I took time to clear my
mind of stress and figure out whom I am. To the 8th graders
entering high school: don’t enter high school already stressed
about college and homework. Instead think of high school as a
way find out who you really are. To the seniors: College is going to
be full of struggles and stress but don’t let that rule our lives.
Instead take time for yourself to meditate in anyway that fits you.
If that means hiking, running, sitting still, or working out, so be
it. Just take these meditative interludes and cherish them. Let your
mind be free of any worries. Delve deep into your being and ask the
unanswerable questions, and I promise that you will come out
refreshed and ready to live out the rest of your life. </span>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-13068256576698841812014-05-13T16:53:00.000-07:002018-06-16T11:44:53.577-07:00Faith and Fear<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "helvetica";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Hello my dear friends, I know it has been a while since I posted an update in this blog. The past couple months have been an intense part of my voyage. However I am truly starting to notice that intensity and challenge in my life are bringing me into the beauty of true self-reflection and light. If you are new to reading my blog, welcome!! I recommend you start by clicking on my 2013 November post (<a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a>) and go from there. If you have already been following my posts thank you for waiting, even though I have not posted in a while and have been exploring, unfolding, and peeling away challenging aspects of myself that have arisen, I have felt your love energy and support throughout the journey, and for that I am grateful.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">It has now been about six months since my scooter accident which led me to my brain discovery, and five months since I underwent the biopsy. I have been seeing many healing doctors who have been helping me immensely on my path. At the end of February I underwent a follow-up MRI to take a look at what was going on, at which point it had been exactly three months since the biopsy. A huge weight of fear and anxiety was lifted off my chest when the result showed that there has been ZERO growth!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">ZERO growth is amazing and the fact that fear and anxiety were lifted is amazing! What else is amazing is how the human brain likes to resort directly back into the way things were sometimes, however I believe that is not a capability as we cannot ever fully go back to the way exactly anything was. At the time I looked at no growth as a "phew" maybe this is nothing and never was anything and I can go back to being who I was before and not worry anymore. Taking that outlook caused me to find fear and pain and more worry. The outlook that I feel now, which has developed throughout my challenges faced over the couple months since this, is that yes its okay to not worry anymore and to release emotion and feel happiness, but to look at this as an awakening to a new beginning and a new path. Rather than trying to escape and resort back to my old "easy" path that I should fully embrace the new one that has presented itself and allow the opening of the windows and doors to my voyage of healing and exploring my body in more ways than just focusing on the brain tumor. However perhaps I was meant to explore my old self in exactly that way in order to see this outlook.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">A little while ago one of Swami Satchidananda's cards fell into my fingers which read, <b>"Let total love, universal love, emanate from within."</b>Meaning,<i>"The more you think of your problems the deeper you'll go into them. Its as if you are meditating on them, which is like pouring gasoline onto a fire. If you pour love on hate, thats like pouring water onto fire. Put in new, constructive ideas, and let those ideas take the place of mental fixations. That's the spiritual way, the yogic approach. If you hate somebody, instead of trying to find ways to get out of that hatred, just ignore it and try to love. Think of love, love, love and the hatred will go away, automatically. With regular practice of both physical and mental Yoga, you can easily overcome challenges in life, instead of worrying about them and constantly thinking about them." </i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><i>~ Swami Satchidananda </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i>Reading this card and feeling its presence helped me suddenly take a step back away from myself to realize the massive amounts of gasoline I had been pouring onto my fire. It was time to start pouring water and love onto my fire and letting it melt away instead of creating bigger flames within my life. Below I have included a bit from my journal that is one of the aspects that has made me consciously aware of the power that our mind has over our body. And since our mind will always remain, instead of letting it pour gasoline onto our fires, how about learning how to create water of love to help guide our soul and wash away our troubles.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple; font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">April 25, 2014 (Journal)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">In the past couple months there has been a darkness looming over my soul. I am ready to let the light shine in; right now I am working on learning how to reach within to understand how to open that door. I was feeling strong, happy, healthy and well, when suddenly one day I awoke and started feeling numbness in my left arm and hand. Immediately my "monkey brain" began to take over and began to dump thought after thought into my mind of what this numbness could possibly mean, my greatest fear being my tumor taking over my body! From the numbness I began to feel other pains including 3rd eye pain, shortness of breath, a tight chest and so forth and so on... It's amazing to me to think that before the scooter accident and before being in and out of the hospital for two months on medication and having my skull and brain cut into, that I felt healthy without a symptom at all that related to the experience I am in right now. So how has this physical and emotional struggle implanted itself into my body and how do I release it and let it go? </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple; font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Not too long after experiencing the left arm numbness, which turned into shoulder pain, did I discover with the help of Dr. Benny Lin that this was solely related to my broken shoulder which still had some healing left to do. However, just the thought of the idea of death arising within my mind caused me to begin my intense thoughts about mortality. Where do we come from? What happens when we die? Where do we go? How is time passing so quickly? Why are my parents and family growing older? Thought after thought began to arise and scramble around in my mind causing a rave of emotion and tiredness which began to consume my brain, heart and soul. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple; font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">In Traditional Chinese Medicine we talk about the "running piglet syndrome "which in western medicine is known as a panic attack. It can be felt in the stomach area and runs up to the chest, interfering with the heart and chest causing palpitations, anxiety, fear and/or dizziness. I suddenly realized exactly what this term meant, as what felt like a piglet ran in circles around my belly and chest upsetting everything in sight. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple; font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, palpitations, sadness and depression started to kick in. I was lying on the floor in pain having the first MAJOR panic attack of my life, crying so hard my body was shaking and in pain, my chest felt knotted and my lungs felt closed. I was awakened to the effect that emotion has on our body physically and how it effects every part of our being. The emotion caused my my entire physical body to begin feeling pain. I began feeling pain in my neck, my shoulders, my legs, my chest, my eyes, and so forth and so on. I then started dumping more oil on my fire by allowing my "monkey brain" to take over by trying to tell my real brain that all the pain I was experiencing from emotion was actually not emotion at all but that I was dying. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">But, like everything and like Swami's words above, I am realizing now that I was creating even more pain within my body by feeding my pain with more pain, created by emotion. So I now look upon going through this emotional experience as a form of releasing my emotion and hatred and learning to recognize myself (THE SELF) so that I can know how to create love and flowing energy within my body, like water, so that I can create for my soul true healing, openness, and growth. </span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">A couple weeks ago, my friend Lana opened the doorway a second time for me to checking out the Benjamin Center: Cancer Support Community. The first time she opened this door I was not keen to the idea at the time and this time I was, and what an amazing support community that came into my life exactly at the right time!! Its incredible how when we are ready to open the door, it will open. There are many classes and lectures being offered there; also I have been assigned to a once a week support group as well as individual counseling. One word and visualization that I created during my one on one counseling was SELF-REFLECTION as well as fear. I have found that part of this journey I am on is a continuous concept of having to look at myself in the mirror, which I have done in the past, but the difference I feel this time is, I cannot put the mirror down, I must face the fear that I see before me and release it. </span></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">By no mistake right around this time of facing FEAR and what it truly is, I picked another Swami Satchidananda card which read to me: </span></span> <b>"Faith and fear do not go together."</b>Meaning,<i>"Fear isn't going to help you in any way. Fear makes the mind lose all its strength. Remember, even to have fear, you must have faith in your fear. You have faith in your fear, and thats why you are afraid. But you should know that fear isn't going to bring you any benefit. Faith and fear don't go together. Either you have faith, or you have fear. You know that you're alive now. Why don't you enjoy the now, rather than worry about the future? Enjoy both getting and losing. So, if you know the ultimate truth, theres no reason to fear. Don't let that fear come near you at any time. Lean to live in the golden present." ~ Swami Satchidananda </i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Everything in this card is resonating with me especially his words about "You know that you're alive now!" WOW. Seems so simple, but sometimes it takes the simplicity of just seeing that or saying that everyday for me to release the fear of death, or any other fear that is weighing upon me. Having Swami's card in my hand presented to me more than just something to read, but I felt a new light of courage entire my soul. There was another occurrence that came to me and enlightened and shifted my path; one of the days I felt flooded by my tears, laying on the floor, I sensed my body shift and roll onto my hands and knees as I faced the window and cried. I became conscious of being in a prayer position, reaching out towards the universe the best way I knew how. I prayed to Swami Satchidananda, the Universe, Buddha, God, whatever higher power was out there. And the next day, on Sunday I found myself at a church called St. Marks, up the street.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"> I have not been to a church like this in a long long time. The sermon that day at church was specifically about fear. I felt in this moment that there was something out there, that was listening to me and perhaps I have spent a lot of time not wanting to or knowing how to ask for help. The bible verse Matthew 7:7 suddenly became clear to me "<i>Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.</i>" I had been feeling stuck in a stage of "I can't and don't know what to do." I kept saying this to my mother, and I will never forget her response one day which is similar to the bible verse; she said to me, "instead of saying 'I can't' I want you to ask 'How?'" From this moment forward thanks to my mother and the universe for helping, I am learning to to ask for help as well as shifting my <i>I cant's </i>to <i>How? </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">End of April I was called down to Florida to have an appointment with a well known neurology doctor, Dr. David Perlmutter. He is a western doctor who appreciates and integrates eastern medicine into his practice. He has written many books, including <i>The Grain Brain</i>, which is the one I have been reading and following the nutritional outlook from within. I had been on Perlmutter's wait list for a while, so when I was called to come see him at the end of April it was a joy to make the trip down. An "expensive" joy! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">My father met me down there on Easter Sunday and the appointment with Perlmutter was the next day. I decided to stay an extra few days to visit a dear friend, Kate, who lived nearby in Fort Myers as well as end my trip with Danielle DiVittorio, the amazing friend and woman who went above and beyond to start the <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/give2gabby" target="_blank">GoFundMe</a> website, which raised an incredible amount of money without me even knowing, which has truly helped me on the beginning of this journey. Dr. Perlmutter's visit was a very expensive yet an extensive and helpful session which gave me beautiful insight onto my path and assistance with my healing direction and decisions. Perlmutter's visit was incredible, but what has resinated within my soul the most from this trip to Florida was spending Easter with my father, as we explored the beauty of Florida as well as enjoyed fully the beauty of each other. I am gifted and grateful to have an incredible man in my life, who is my father, an amazing healer, and a true friend! Its amazing how LOVE, respect and our family can be the most incredible medicine our body takes in, and the extra spoonful of medicine on top was the beauty of nature that florida offered!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">After saying goodbye to my father, it was another burst of happiness in my soul to be able to wrap my arms around Kate Mohr as well as Danielle DiVittorio and physically feel the love I have for both of these amazing women. Kate is an incredible friend that even though I only met her in California, three months before she moved back to Florida, she is a lifelong friend. And spending my last three days in florida with Danielle was incredible! It has been a long time since I have seen her face in person, and it was lovely to bond together and spend time side by side like no time had even passed!! She goes above and beyond for others and works for an organization which raises money and helps others and foundations around the world.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Since getting back to California, some of the self-reflection emotions have unfolded even more greatly. I was faced with the idea of FAITH and FEAR full on the day I arrived back, as if a high power was asking me directly, "Do you have complete faith in healing yourself?" The next day I ended up at Dr. Hua-Bing Wen's office in Beverly Hills. He is a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist who has a specialty in oncology. He also teaches herbal formulas at my university. Although I never had him as a teacher at my school, I am paying for his full on teaching now. He has put me at ease immensely with his treatment as well as formula. One of his words of wisdom to me is, to have full faith in what I am doing, no matter what it is. To take that a step further, his words, combined with words from the Cancer Center, St. Marks Church, as well as other self-reflections along the way, have left me with this mantra of: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><i>Whatever you pick to have faith in is up to you, but whatever it is, have it be full on faith in what you chose.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Sometimes along the way our faith may change and that is okay but we must have full faith in the new direction we chose to take. I have started working with Dr. Wen and I have full faith that his medicinal treatments are the best choice for my body to be healed and this experience working with him is an incredible awakening to the capacity that herbs and acupuncture have on our bodies. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Master Zhou</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">I have also started getting treatments from Master Zhou again! And wow! I will write a blog shortly solely discussing my treatments with this man, as they are incredible! I have full faith in the power of the hot healing energy coming out of his hands and into my body to create a newfound healing experience! And another treatment which I have not yet mentioned that I have recently started on is CBD Oil therapy! I am working with an incredible healer from Washington State with his cannabinoid treatment plan. I am currently on day ten of taking the oils. If anyone is more interested fully in knowing more about this treatment, below are links to a few article, and feel free to email me to get the information for the man I am working with. The CBD oil treatment helps heal more than just cancer!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Life is incredible! I am learning to embrace where I am right now, because this is where I am for a reason and I am alive! Who knows how long this healing journey I have embarked on will take but I am learning to enjoy the ride. When we reach our destination it is time for the next journey. Thats how life seems to work. Michael Allen's words say it best, "Many are so focused on a destination they fail to see and appreciate what lies in between. They drive to their destination and see nothing on the way. Imagine all they are missing. Even when they arrive, they fail to appreciate where they are, being too caught up in wanting to be somewhere else again." Here I am on my healing journey of life, working each day towards fully appreciating what I am taking part in each day and seeing along the way! I am here to enjoy the ride!!</span><br />
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Lastly, I am overcoming my fear to ask for help and would love as much financial support as well as healing energy sent my way as you all can! Below is a link to my updated GoFundMe page. This journey in my life has been an incredibly challenging, life changing journey that I know is being sent to me by the universe for a reason, and will help me become an amazing healer, who can give back as well as pay forward. The financial help that was given to me through the help of Danielle DiVittorio and all of you helped launch and support the beginning of my healing path. With the sincere hope that my journey can continue to be as smooth as possible and that I can continue to seek out the appropriate help that I need, anything else that you can send my way would be greatly appreciated.</div>
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Here is a link to my updated GoFundMe page: </div>
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<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/help-heal-the-healer-gabrielle" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/help-heal-the-healer-gabrielle</a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Dr. Wen:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://www.wenacupuncture.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.wenacupuncture.com/</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Dr. Perlmutter:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://www.drperlmutter.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.drperlmutter.com/</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Dr. Zhou:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://www.masterzhou.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.masterzhou.com/</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Dr. Paul Olko</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "times"; font-size: medium;">Green Lake Healing Center</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><a href="http://www.greenlakehealing.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.greenlakehealing.<wbr></wbr>com/</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><a href="http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/12088.php" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.medicalnewstoday.<wbr></wbr>com/releases/12088.php</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/chicago-medical-marijuana/2013/11/cannabidiol-the-side-of-marijuana-you-dont-know/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.chicagonow.com/<wbr></wbr>chicago-medical-marijuana/<wbr></wbr>2013/11/cannabidiol-the-side-<wbr></wbr>of-marijuana-you-dont-know/</a></span></div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-13763366068870425972014-04-04T22:56:00.000-07:002014-04-04T22:56:11.314-07:00Article for Yo San University<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Article for Yo San </span></b><br />
<b>University (Learning Point Newsletter</b><b>)</b><br />
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<b>Written by: Gabrielle Olko</b><br />
<i>The following covers some of what you all have already read, but written in an enhanced light, as well as entailing new aspects of my journey. I was asked by Yo San University (my college) to write an article for their online newsletter. Thank you Yo San! What an honor. </i><br />
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My journey that I am currently on has guided me to look inward to discover how my path in life has led me to where I am. Sometimes we do not understand why certain challenges approach us along the way; but I believe they happen to us for a reason to lead us to where we are meant to be. It has taken me a while to understand the importance of being in the moment. I have found the importance is to not wish my life away or into the future and to remind myself each and everyday to embrace the journey I am in and on right in this very moment.<br />
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Four years ago, in February I broke my wrist and was cooped up at my home in Virginia, in snowstorm after snowstorm, waiting for interviews to come my way after I had applied to be a teacher at several elementary schools. I had just received my teaching certificate as well as a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education from James Madison University. I had been working in a long-term substitute position in a second grade classroom; but after my wrist was broken, I started filling the position of lying on my couch. Several weeks passed by and suddenly one day I woke up and felt as though it was time to lift myself up and search inward and outward to continue to unfold my life journey. I found out about a Life Coaching Certification Workshop being held in Los Angeles at Yo San University, which was being led by Dr. Maoshing Ni (one of the brothers who founded Yo San) as well as Phillip Christman. I felt as though this would be an amazing opportunity to find my life guidance as well as help guide others as well as be able to explore the coast of California before I came back and committed fully to becoming a teacher. This experience served as a catalyst to the journey I am now on. Three months later I filled out my application to attend Yo San University and began looking for a new place to live. It's amazing how an injury can lead us in a new direction for a reason.<br />
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That fall, I was a brand new student at Yo San University beginning to pursue what, at the time, I believed was just a masters degree and license in acupuncture. What I have learned four years later is that the journey at this school is much more than just receiving a new profession, but that it is a voyage inward and outward to discovering our own self, body, mind and soul. I have created relationships with fellow students, teachers, supervisors, masters, and employees that I will treasure throughout my lifetime. There have been challenges that have arisen along the way, and times that I have wanted to fight against what I have been working hard towards, as well as moments where school has seemed to be on the bottom of my list in life. But what I have noticed is that along the way I am always drawn back in to the energetic and beautiful safe haven I like to call school.<br />
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On my first day of school at orientation, Dr. Maoshing Ni told us a story about a patient of his that was diagnosed with a stage 4 melanoma brain cancer. The doctors at the hospital gave her three months left to live. She came to Dr. Mao's office in tears and in fright of her approaching death. His advice to her was to do all the treatments that she could, but to look within and do what fit her soul the most. She exclaimed to Dr. Mao that her soul wanted to go swim with the dolphins in Hawaii. So off she went, and three months later after swimming in the beautiful ocean with the dolphins at her side, the sun shining on her body, and connecting with the medicine of nature, she had forgotten she even had a tumor in her brain at all. When she got back her MRI results showed, to everyone's surprise, that the tumor was almost gone! Its amazing how impactful the healing of nature can be on our body when we connect with it as well as allow our body to relax, and to let go of over-thinking and over-emotion and just live. This story has resonated with me throughout the past four years, but was immediately awakened within me in a new light over the past six months and has helped me throughout my own recent health journey of my own brain, and given me courage and a deeper insight about life. I look back to the first day of school and this story in amazement and how it deeply connects to where I am now. Throughout the past four years of school I have compared myself to other fellow students, felt rushed to to finish and get into clinic at the same time as those I started with as well as wanting to hurry to get a professional job and start making money in what I thought of as the "real world," wishing away my time at school. One thing I have been awakened to in the past six months has been that each of our experiences in life are our own personal journey and we are exactly where we are meant to be right now for a reason.<br />
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This past October, I was involved in a scooter accident, where I was immediately taken to the ER. My main injury was located in my left shoulder, but they performed multiple tests on me to make sure that no other body parts had been affected in the accident. Because of the location of the broken shoulder being located near the spine, they decided to run a CAT scan to make sure my head had not been injured at all. To their surprise as well as mine, there was fogginess presented on the CAT scan, which led them to performing a full MRI scan. Thirteen hours later, at the end of the day when they found that I did not have health insurance, I was released out on my own and told by them that I had a broken humerus bone in my shoulder and a cancerous tumor in my brain. Two days later, I was accepted into the public hospital where I embarked on a new chapter in my education of viewing and becoming fully immersed into aspects of how the western medical system works. During my first eight days there, I underwent extensive pain killers, two more MRI scans, a spinal tap, as well as an EEG scan. These extra tests were performed to rule out any other possibility of what was seen on the scan before deciding where to go next. I lay in the hospital hoping that what was there was a glitch in the system or a silly mistake. The evening the doctors came into my office to sit down with me and tell me their diagnosis of the results, was one of the greatest challenges I have experienced. They explained to me that the tumor presented was in my left temporal and frontal lobe area in my brain and seemed to be a grade 2 glioma. They also let me know that this type of tumor was a form of malignant cancer and the best thing to do next would be to undergo a biopsy to determine the exact type, location, and size of the tumor. I barely heard anything else that they said afterwards because my physical body seemed to collapse into a pile of emotion. Shortly after I was released from the hospital for the next ten days before returning to undergo my scheduled biopsy.<br />
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During the ten days before returning to the hospital, I made acupuncture appointments at my school with Dr. Wing as well as appointments at the Tao of Wellness with Dr. Maoshing Ni. Dr. Wing was one of my teachers at Yo San as well as an incredible practitioner there, whom I had never actually scheduled an appointment with yet until then. When I went in for a treatment with him, I felt a spiritual bond to him and his healing, which I have realized served and is still serving a purpose, and was brought to me exactly at that time for a reason. Before my first treatment with him that day, as soon as I walked into the University, I felt a new love and safety there, like I had never felt before. I had no idea that students at school had started a fundraiser for me in the bookstore to assist me on my journey. I stopped in my tracks, in tears, when I saw what they had done; not because of the money but because of all the support, love and healing energy that was being sent my way from my Yo San family. Even new students at the school and patients whom I had never met were reaching out to me. I suddenly realized, as I mentioned earlier, that sometimes the greatest love is directly in front of us and around us all along, and we tend to be avidly searching ahead and in the future, that we forget to embrace the moment and where we are. I realized the feelings along the way of comparing myself to other students or wishing away my time at Yo San, so that I could graduate and work already, is what was causing me to lose the shining beauty of the greatest lesson in life of accepting and loving exactly where I am.<br />
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The accident happened midway through the fall semester of my fourth year, so I ended up having to drop out of the "official" classes I was taking that semester in school and drop into learning about my own body and health. This experience has opened my mind to healing and acupuncture as well as the human body, in an even greater sense than I have ever known. This has been the most challenging yet most meaningful "elective" course I have taken in my life. Suddenly what I had been learning at school all along, was now unfolding in a new light. Right before this occurrence happened I was extremely busy cramming and studying to take the pre-clinical exam, so that this spring I could have began my internship in the clinic at Yo San University. I did not end up taking the exam, but what I have realized is, that the universe has brought to me something else first, which is the importance of looking inward and healing, loving and protecting myself before reaching out to and healing others.<br />
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On November 13th, I re-entered back into the public hospital to begin my biopsy process. I kept going back and forth as to if it was even necessary for me to go through this process at all. I realize now that although perhaps it was not necessary, as no decision is set in stone and everyone has a different aspect of why they are drawn to undergoing certain things for a reason, I feel as though choosing to undergo this challenge for myself has given me many meaningful lessons about life, one of which is appreciating the small things in life that we tend to take for granted each day and feeling grateful for the time we have here on earth and how precious each moment is for us. I awoke from the biopsy with half of my head bald, and 43 metal staples holding my scalp together. What I truly woke up to had nothing to do with the baldness or staples at all, but was the joy I felt of being alive. I felt awakened by the presence of my breath coming in and flowing out and felt a smile spread over my face and into my body filling me with gratitude, vibration, energy and love connecting to the universe, myself and the people in my life.<br />
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After coming home from the hospital the second time, I succumbed my body completely into acupuncture and chinese medicine to help speed up and assist my recovery from the biopsy, the immense amount of medication still in my system, as well my broken shoulder (which they had told me it would take me at least six months to be able to reach my hand up to the sky). I started undergoing treatments with another amazing acupuncturist and tuina specialist who is also a teacher at Yo San University, Dr. Benny Lin. Dr. Lin has been giving me incredible treatments. Within one month I was able to reach my arm up to the stars. I also continued my treatments with Dr. Wing and Dr. Mao. The energy at Benny Lin's office, as well as at Yo San University Clinic and the Tao of Wellness put me at complete ease and created within me a feeling of being calm, relaxed and nurtured. As the New Year rolled in, so did my healing and I began to feel inspired to open new doorways of light into my life. One of my New Years resolutions was to begin to take singing lessons. The vocal vibration led to an even greater healing arising within my being. I started to become grateful for the little friend within my brain. One morning I awoke with the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" in my mind, and I felt drawn to sing this at Yo San University's Chinese New Years celebration as a surprise, in front of my father the student body, teachers, Mao and Dao Shing Ni, as well guests from the outside to thank and give back some of the immense amount of love and healing that has been sent my way.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Dao & Mao Shing Ni (in the background)</td></tr>
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I could already feel and still feel the power of this Chinese New Years 2014 Year of the Horse. Dr. Mao explained at the celebration that starting on January 31st the year of the horse began which this year also has presented the elements of wood and fire. He spoke of the year of the Horse is 2014 symbolizing momentum and movement. He explained the importance of having a clear purpose and well-defined direction in our endeavor because then the momentum of the year will carry us the distance. We can accomplish much this year. He also explained how containing our impulsiveness is important otherwise many confrontations and challenges will stand in the way. It is important for us to learn to ride and steer our horse so that we do not end up out of control and lose too much as a result. The fact that it is already April and the momentum and movement of this year has already begun leads me to understand more deeply how present the horse is this year. <br />
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I have also been focusing on learning to ride the horse in the best way I can, as challenges and confrontations at times have started to present themselves. I think recognizing this has made it more helpful to when challenges seem to arise to step back and be able to understand how to ride the horse. One clear purpose and defined direction which arose for myself was being able to face my fears, one of them being to sing in front of everyone at the Chinese New Years celebration. It has began this year for myself with a greater courage in being able to breath in courage and breath out fear as it comes my way.<br />
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Since the New Years Celebration I have underwent one follow up MRI to check on my tumor. A fear that began to arise for me when undergoing this MRI was the idea "It must be gone!" or the fear "what if it has grown?" After viewing the results which showed that it was exactly the same and there has been nothing different. I have begun to look inward and realize that the most important thing is to continue what I have been working on of, accepting myself exactly where I am and embracing and loving who I am in this current moment. I felt that it was important to continue to be healthy, heal myself and explore my body in a beautiful way, but to remember to accept and love myself and that where I am and what I am doing in this moment are extraordinary and important. I smile and feel at peace when I remember the story of the woman who swam with the dolphins and connected with nature and the moment and forgot and let go of what was creating her negative emotions and dis-ease. Today I feel healthy, and happy and excited to continue on my path of healing myself and healing others, as well as embracing the little friend that has been given to me in my brain. I am consistently learning and practicing how to relax and quiet my mind and open my heart. My journey throughout my life, at Yo San as well as throughout this experience has lead me on the true path of healing.<br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-90326104577005590462014-03-12T23:35:00.001-07:002014-03-13T09:09:19.279-07:00Love Surrounds Us<br />
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G'day mates! If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a> and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.<br />
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A few days ago I took a one night trip up to Ojai to visit the river and campout for the night and head to the beach in Ventura and surf in the morning. The night we set up our campsite was the same day that our clocks were set ahead one hour. As the moon rose we could feel the magical energy of the universe in the air. The moon seemed like a bright light shining down upon us and the clouds were like large vertebra streaked across the sky.<br />
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The next morning I woke up to a conference of birds. They had so much to say that Monday morning, as the sun rose over the mountain. There were so many different kinds of birds chirping the sunlight into the day. This one night campout was a mini trip with a new friend. I enjoy having a new friend in my life that helps cultivates the lessons in life I am learning about myself, relationships, friendships, the universe, and our lives. There have been times that I would get nervous to bring new people into my life in a fully trusting way. But one aspect of building a new friendship I am learning to look into is that as long as I am continuing to embrace and love myself as well as not neglecting my time alone, and sustaining to seek out my journey of education, life and healing; that it is wonderful to include others in our lives and sustain old friendships and create new ones, as long as we also include a deep relationship with ourself inside and out. We must also recognize that similar to the challenges that arise within us in our relationship with ourself, there was also challenges that arise in our friendships, and as long as they unfold into a deeper and stronger positive growth we are on a beautiful path.<br />
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After the birds woke me up in the morning, I decided to go for a walk, following the stream. As I walked, I saw stone after stone after stone that was in the shape of a heart. I was amazed and enthralled. It instilled into me that nature is a true healer and a master of sending us life changing messages, if we can open our eyes, ears, heart and soul to whats directly around us. We tend to overlook what lies right in front of us, by always seeking and searching out whats ahead and in the future. Seeing heart shaped stones everywhere, was a reminder to me that love is everywhere surrounding us and to embrace being in the moment and feel that the love within and around us is the true beauty in life. We must not spend our whole life wishing the moment away, seeking out love and happiness from others, or from a different house, or a different job, or a significant other etc...We must appreciate and be grateful for the love we have for ourselves, the beauty and love that nature gives to us and standing in the moment. Life is beautiful.<br />
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On the way back from my walk, I saw a pine tree that was cut. I started to count the rings of the tree. The tree was about the same age as my father, which caused me to remember that it was my father that taught me about counting the age of trees and about survival in nature, as well as cherishing what nature offers to us. <br />
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Its amazing how we may not always think about what was instilled upon us in our youth and how powerful our childhood is in the way we are effected as we grow older. We may learn from it that we must seek out a different light than the one that was shown upon us as children, and/or we may also learn to brighten the light that has been with us all along. My father truly has shown the light of the guidance of nature being our true healer and true teacher upon me.<br />
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"Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet." -Thich Nhat Hanh</div>
Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-12835606958306056372014-03-03T13:32:00.001-08:002015-01-11T23:38:28.236-08:00Spinning Vortex of Energy Happy Year of the Horse! It's been a while since my last post and I have been looking forward to sharing the shifting and unfolding of my journey. If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post <a href="http://brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-following-is-update-of.html" target="_blank">My Journey: The Beginning</a> and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.<br />
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<b>"Eventually, it is the painful events that stir some of us to become self-reflective. We must look at pain in its positive light as a selection of reality that can aid our self-cultivation."</b> (Michael A. Allen - Tao of Surfing)<br />
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This being said, the past month has been one of the most painful, most challenging parts of my journey so far. I never would have predicted this outcome, which is part of why I have been working on one of my daily mantras of having no attachments and no expectations, and continuing to embrace each moment in each day. Also I have been working on relating with what Allen says about surrendering to our pain and embracing it in a positive light. It is when we fight against being in pain that we spiral even further downwards; and it is when we surrender to pain that we can truly look inwards and see the light.<br />
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On Thursday January 30th I had my first neurology check-up appointment since I left the hospital, which I know I didn't necessarily NEED to do, but something in my body told me to go ahead and go. The purpose for going I can see and feel now was a life lesson in human interaction. That day I felt as though I accidentally shared too much information with the head neurology doctor who came into my check up office. I had never met him before until then. I felt in the moment angry as though he pushed and shoved anger onto me for several reasons including the fact I had decided not to start radiation and also felt as though he criticized my dieting and herbal approach, as well as put down much of the western advice that was given to me by the neurosurgeons and the medical team that had been with me throughout my hospital stay. I also felt as though I had made the mistake of sharing more information with him than was necessary, but it had already been done and I could not take it back.<br />
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As soon as I got back from an alarming day I wrote an email to Dr. Mao Shing Ni (my main practitioner) asking his advice on clearing negative energy. In the beginning of my email I wrote "I was in tears and in fear and emotional and angry from the hospital. It's been six hours now, since I left and my body still feels numb and my eyes and lungs and heart and I'm sure other organs hurt from crying and upset." Dr. Mao's response was healing and at ease and the words that he wrote have stuck with me and been an important lesson are,<br />
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<b>"Certainly I believe that at the end of the day all your caregivers east or west have the best intentions for you. You might focus on taking the best from each of your healers...Whatever you do work on staying calm and not angry. Work on forgiveness and gratefulness."</b> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Mao Shing Ni</td></tr>
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Thanks to Dr. Mao I have learned from this that it is good not to be resentful towards Western doctors (or towards anyone for that matter), and just to know...they are coming from a mindset which they have practiced their whole life and although it may not be exactly the same mindset as the path I am currently on in my own healing, that it is more peaceful and at ease for me to feel gratitude and delight from their overall support, because they ARE trying to help me in the way they know best! Dr. Mao has been a part of my life since before I became a student at Yo San University, which is the school that was created by his brother Dr. Dao Shing Ni and himself. Dao and Mao have taken over the <a href="http://www.taoofwellness.com/" target="_blank">Tao of Wellness</a> clinic, which was created by their father Master Hua Ching Ni in 1976. Master Hua Ching Ni is the heir to the wisdom transmitted through an unbroken succession of 74 generations of masters dating back to the Han dynasty (206 BCE - 220 CE). While I was in the hospital I had a memory of their father being at our family's home in Virginia when I was a child. My father practices Chinese Medicine and Tuina massage, so I wondered if in fact this memory actually happened. I asked my father and he responded that yes Master Hua Ching Ni did visit at our home when I was nine years old. He came to Charlottesville, Virginia to do a conference and asked my father (who was a student of his) to sponsor him. Before the guests arrived at the teatime/scheduled meeting at our house I came up to my dad and complained about being hungry. My father told me that Master Hua Ching Ni looked at me and smiled and said told me to go eat. My fathers life message from this simple interaction was to not let your children need endless favors and to run your life and that at nine years old I was capable of creating and helping myself to what my body needed. The same message seems to linger with me now; the importance of listening to our own bodies and healing ourselves and seeking out the information we need and letting go of the advice and energy we don't need. I also feel that Master Hua Ching Ni did more than just tell me to eat. There is a beautiful reason that I have ended up without even knowing studying acupuncture at the school created by his two sons and that Dr. Mao has been helping me on my journey of healing and learning about my body. This journey of looking inward and opening up to what my own body is presenting to me is strengthening me and creating in me the courage and strength to be able to give back to others and create a ripple so we can all connect to ourselves and to others and heal.<br />
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The next challenge in my journey arose during my final ween off the medication I was prescribed at the hospital. I started my ween off before Christmas and planned to do it slowly over a process of two months as to have the least amount of side effects as possible. The first day of zero medication was on February 5th, 2014, the day after my father arrived for a week long visit. Within forty eight hours of being on zero medication, a series of events began to occur which I truly believe were a combination of detoxing the medication fully out of my system, my brain registering what it has been through on its own in the past few months with no sedative, a small sinus infection, and most importantly the universe sending me a beautiful lesson on the importance of the life we live and how we chose to live it. On that day I received an acupuncture treatment which made me feel like I was in hypnosis, having an outer body experience. After the treatment I thought to myself: Is life a dream? Are we all just bits of energy?! My brain felt like it was vibrating and pulsating. I felt afraid but wanted to feel confident and at peace and that what I was feeling was the tumor releasing itself from my brain and body. I felt tingling intense vibrations coming from inside of my skull, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life. That days experience felt unreal, and as the days continued I felt as though I didn't even know what was real anymore. The dictionary says that real is what genuinely exists and unreal is what genuinely does not exist; but how do we know what exists and what does not exist and does that even matter? What I did feel and what did matter was I was alive, I was breathing in and out, I was grateful for the sun rising and the beauty around me.<br />
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I am very grateful that we planned to have the ween off end exactly when my father was visiting. I felt more safe having him there as I was going through the feelings of intense physical vibration as well as feeling as though my soul was detached from my body. February 7th and 8th were the two most challenging and difficult days during which felt like I was having a sensation of going through a very very bad trip on hard drugs. The full time period lasted about nine days. I felt and saw death right in from of my eyes, not in the same way as I experienced seeing a tunnel of light right before waking up from a biopsy, but in a fearful way of detachment. I saw my father and felt my mother and my grandmother and my entire family in front of me and knew that one day we would all die on this earth in this life and I felt confused, afraid and disturbed. I looked at my father as tears streamed down my face and asked, "Why are we born and alive if we are just going to die?" My father looked me in the eyes and said to me "we are born to give." Father, thank you for being in my life. You haven given to me for the past 30 years and for this I am grateful! Having him here by my side during the toughest part of my journey so far was an incredible gift.<br />
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The day before my father left we celebrated Chinese New Years at my school. I kept the performance a secret from my father as well as Dr. Mao and everyone else. About a month prior to this I woke up one morning with the message in my mind to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" as a way to thank Dr. Mao and Dao, everyone at my school, and my father, as well as to overcome and smile at fear by singing in front of everyone. The song was given to me by something else in the universe, because I do not remember taking the time out to think of what to sing. It just appeared to me, and the words in this song were amazing and spot on to the journey of life. Below is the video of our Practice right before the performance. I will post a video of the performance as soon as its available. Myself and a fellow student and friend Alec Bridges sang and performed beautifully. It still feels like it was a dream. Dreams really do come true!!<br />
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This experience helped me unfold even further the words of Ed Sullivan (my teacher and qi-gong healer), "breathe in courage, exhale fear...breathe in courage, exhale fear." It was on this that I was able to release fighting and fear from the symptoms and sensations I was feeling, and although I continued to feel pulsations I started to embrace and learn from them, creating beautiful growth in my atmosphere. Its amazing how in each blog post I have gone through a chapter of feeling as though I am being reborn and it makes me know that this could be a life long process and that there are always challenges ahead, but the more we can surrender to them, feel them and embrace them, the greater the unfold of our rebirth out of them may be. <br />
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On February 12th, 2014 I woke up in tears as my rebirth continued and I was feeling a connection to being in a <b>SPINNING VORTEX OF ENERGY </b>which I believe comes from my surrender and acceptance of death and the fear of death. I felt as though I had spent the past thirty years as a caterpillar, the past four months in a cocoon and the past seven days breaking out of a cocoon, and now slowly slowly transforming into the woman I am. That day I spent two hours on the rooftop in the sunshine soaking the sun into my mind, body and soul. I was on the phone with my mother appreciating her entirely into my life. Suddenly we got cut off, I tried to call her back and it went straight to her voice-mail. She then called me back and explained that when we got cut suddenly for no reason and out of nowhere (that we no of that is) came on loud and clear the Cinderella song with words something like this:<br />
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A dream is a wish your heart makes, </div>
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when you're fast asleep.</div>
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In dreams you will lose your heartaches, </div>
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whatever you wish for you keep.</div>
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Have faith in your dreams and someday, </div>
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your rainbow will come smiling through.</div>
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No matter how your heart is grieving,</div>
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if you keep on believing, </div>
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the dream that you wish will come true.</div>
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I felt a flying and fluttering sensation so, I went and got a massage and a body-scrub, it was amazing! I still felt like I was on drugs but without the negative side effects, my body felt in sync with the universal vibrations and spinning Energy. My friend Zach Rosenberg came and picked me up from my massage and we decided to go to the beach. The ocean and sunset were calling. We pulled up near the ocean and what do you know but we found a free parking spot right there next to the water. WOW!! In Venice Beach I have never seen this, ever! <br />
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The sunset was incredible and the water of the ocean felt warmer than it had been in a long time. Two days prior to this the ocean was cold and rough, and so was my body and brain, and the day after the air was so foggy just like my life, brain, body and mind. And on this day on the 12th of February the sun was shining, the air was warm and nature was beautiful and so was the warm current in the ocean which triggered the fog. In that moment my life, body, soul, heart and mind felt warmth. Its amazing how connected we are to the energy of nature and the universe and it seems that when we fight against it we feel the most anguish and spiral out of its energy and off course. There will always be challenging, frightening, angering, saddening, worrying and tough situations that are presented, but learning how to surrender to them and embrace feeling angry or afraid and letting the elemental feelings flow over and through us like the ocean or a river flows is the best path to connect and grow from them and be one with the universe. <br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span>After feeling the oceans energy we decided it was time to eat some food. We walked to a restaurant nearby. As we were walking towards the doorway right next door to the place we were going to eat at was a man locking up a door, who turned and looked me straight in the eyes, twinkling at me and said, "I felt you're energy before you even approached, it is awesome. How would you like to come upstairs with your friend and take a look at all of the vintage clothing? I will sell you whatever you want for $5" Zach and I smiled at each other and up the stairs we followed this man. Sure enough the clothes upstairs in a room the size of a giant dressing room were silky, very old, and amazingly heavenly. While playing around up there, Zach went to go check on the car. While he was gone the man, Jeffrey, noticed my scar and asked to hear my story. He looked at me and smiled as if I had known him forever and told me that his older sister used to have a brain tumor also and now instead in the place of the brain tumor she has a baby growing in her belly. I feel it is no coincidence that I landed up in his shop which may or may not have been real. I feel as though he may be an angel that was sent to me from heaven. When Zach came back before we left to go to dinner Jeffrey took us up on the rooftop where we could see the stars and moon above. Before going into dinner I called my mother back to share with her the continued happenings of the day and her response to me was:<br />
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"<b>When you open up to the energy, the natural amazing energies come to you. You become a vortex of spinning energy. You start to manifest more and more good energy."</b><br />
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<b> </b>After dinner as we headed out, I grabbed a plastic fork for our leftover food. I felt as though I wanted to pay it forward. As we were crossing the street, an amazing black skinned man with many of his teeth missing but with an incredible giant smile on his face, looked me in the eyes with a twinkle and spoke to my soul. To me, he felt like the second angel in my life that day. While he glanced into my eyes he held his hand up in the air and gave a peace symbol with his fingers. Most homeless people that I have met usually bed me for money or for food; this man did not beg for anything but instead gave to me happiness and peace. I looked at him and said, "do you want this food?" He smiled and laughed back at me and said, "yes yes, thank you thank you, god blesses you!!" And right there in the middle of the street in Venice I felt as though I was face to face with an angel who was sending me a blessing of my life from god. I look back on this experience as a reminder that all people in this world no matter where they come from, where we live, what we do, are all connected and all in this world together.<br />
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The next few days continued to be amazing. On Valentines Day, I fell in love with myself and with nature. This was the first day I decided to go surfing and be in the water since my injury. After a beautiful little surfing session I went on a walk down down the beach next to the water. On my walk I saw sand dollar after sand dollar at my toes, presenting to me from the universe that wealth is with us in many forms. That day created for me even more love for myself, love for the people in my life, love for being alive (even if we are only in this lifetime for a short while), love for the ocean, love for the healing energy of the sun shining on me, love for the moon rising and the stars shining, love for the earth beneath my feet, love for the air I breathe, love for the world, love for the universe, and love for LOVE.<br />
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On February 18th, I went to the hospital again, this time for my first follow-up MRI since I was a patient at the hospital. Before taking the MRI, they require the patient to get a blood test done so that it is considered safe to be within the MRI machine for an hour and have the fluid injected into your body that they use to show contrast in some of the photos on the MRI results. When the filipino woman (with a sticker of a horse representing The Year of The Horse on her medical coat), at the blood testing center drew my blood, I felt her presence and twinkle as angel number three. While drawing my blood, she looked into my eyes and said, "You are still meant o be on this earth. You are here for a purpose, you are not yet done. Your purpose has not yet been fulfilled, and you are going to heal yourself!" Thank you to my guardian angel of a woman who I met in the midst of an insanely intense hospital environment. She made me understand how possible it is to find calm in the midst of a storm. The beauty of feeling in a vortex of spinning energy is amazing, and for this connectedness, I am so grateful!<br />
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<b>"Strength lies in working with nature rather than attempting to overcome it." (Michael A. Allen)</b><br />
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<b><u>Links:</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.taoofsurfing.com/" target="_blank">http://www.taoofsurfing.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.taoofwellness.com/" target="_blank">http://www.taoofwellness.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.yosan.edu/" target="_blank">http://www.yosan.edu/</a><br />
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<b><u>Thank You:</u></b><br />
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<b>Mary (McHale)</b> <b>Parr </b>- You gave me a tiny little book smaller than the size of my hand while I was in the hospital and told me to write down my thoughts and feelings as they came into my mind. The book filled up within a couple days and that is where my idea to begin this blog unfolded. You have been with me every step of the way and have checked in on me consistently throughout my journey, not just in the beginning but the entire time. You are a TRUE friend. You are always in my mind and in my heart. I love you.</div>
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-58571692722795784512014-01-18T21:28:00.001-08:002015-01-11T23:29:21.533-08:00New Life, New Light Happy New Years!! My traveling to Virginia for three weeks to spend Christmas and New Years with my family was fantastic and flew by quickly; and as I think about my past, I feel like my life has flown by even more swiftly. It's amazing how time passes by. Today I feel physically astounding and my broken shoulder feels almost back into action the way it was before it was broken. My hair has been growing rapidly and my brain feels alive and magnificent. Yesterday I had a little session with Ed Sullivan (an amazing qi-gong healer who is also a teacher at my school). The session consisted of me being a baby laying down in my crib, feeling a new light as if I was just born into the world. This left me with wonderful shivers as I remembered also the tunnel of light I experienced during the biopsy and how it was similar. This journey I am on feels like a rebirth out of my mothers womb into the world, creating for me new life, new light and a new beginning. Below is a photo which reminds me of where I came from; my mothers body, belly and womb. Thank you mother for eating healthfully, practicing yoga and exposing me in your belly to the natural world of sunshine and ocean energy. I love you; always have and always will. <br />
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I arrived in Virginia on December 17th, 2013 and two days later I headed to Yogaville, to start my trip off there. Yogaville is an ashram started and founded by Sri Swami Satchidananda in Virginia in around 1980. The day before my scooter accident I was cleaning my bedroom and suddenly out of my closet fell a book, written by Swami Satchidananda and illustrated by Uma Schreiber (a close family friend and Yogaville woman) called "Enlightening Tales." I opened the book and inside the cover was a note from Swami Satchidananda, reading "Beloved Gabriella, Love and blessings. Satchidananda." The amazing part of finding this book is I do not remember ever receiving it or where it came from. <br />
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I called my mom to ask her and she said Swami signed it and Uma (a family friend and Yogaville woman) gave it to me when I was a teenager. I got the chills and felt wonderful especially because Swami Satchidananda's physical body is no longer here but I could feel him in spirit. I put the book next to my bed that afternoon to start reading one of the fairy tales each night before falling asleep. The very next day SLAM BAM!! I got into my scooter accident and as I mentioned in my earlier posts was rushed to the ER. I feel gratitude towards Swami Satchidananda for coming with me in spirit in the ambulance to the hospital. What made his presence even more relevant for me was almost one month later, right before heading into the biopsy hallway as I parted ways with my mother and our friend Deepa (who is also a Yogaville woman), Deepa put her hands on the temple of my head and said a prayer. As my eyes were closed I felt Swami's energy, courage and voice being channeled through Deepa's hands and into my soul and body.<br />
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I know I grew up running around Yogaville as a child and resisting it as a teenager and then in my early adulthood right before I headed to college Swami Satchidananda passed away and I know he has always been with me but now at age 30 my body and soul feel his presence more than ever. Several days before heading back to Virginia for my holiday break, I called my father and asked him if I could go to Yogaville alone for a few days. He sounded amazed astonished and enthralled that I would finally want such a thing, and he helped me make it happen. My mother dropped me off and before she left, together we went to the Lotus Shrine for meditation. When she left I felt all alone and angry and suddenly didn't understand why I wanted to be there all by myself. I felt so lost and afraid. I thought, "Was I the one that decided to come here?? Because I do not remember picking this idea?" This was the first time since any of this had happened that I felt completely alone in a cottage in the woods. The next morning I awoke uplifted and refreshed and excited for the day. I walked to Shivananda Hall for a meal and sat at the table with two Swamis who looked very familiar. The woman Swami Vidyananda asked me my name and as soon as I said Gabrielle Olko she responded letting me know she knew my mother and father, Lisa and Paul Olko. I was amazed. I told her I was the oldest child in the family and asked her what her first memory of me was. She responded something along the lines of, "when you were in your mothers belly." I later asked my mom about her going there when she was pregnant with me and she told me she was at Yogaville for ten days without my dad but with me in her belly. I asked her if Swamaji saw her belly and she said yes he did and that he placed his hands on her belly and said a hello and a prayer. Amazing how things that happen while being a fetus can stick subconsciously throughout a lifetime.<br />
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After my birth I was brought there and given my sanskrit middle name by Swami Satchidananda. This picture was taken right after me being given the middle name of Sundhari (meaning: <i>beautiful one</i>). Now at age thirty I feel like I am going through a second rebirth. The three days at Yogaville were an amazing way to start my holiday. Today I started reading Enlightening Tales for the first time. I did have the book with me in the hospital the entire time by my side as if it was Swami sitting next to me and now I have started reading his words from the stories. In his introduction part one of the sentences reads, <b>"Forget everything that you have learned. Become like a child again, and you will experience God right now." </b>It has been thirty years of my life, but I believe Swami brought me to Yogaville now as an adult to discover a rebirth and rediscovery of myself and my life. Gratitude. Also no coincidence it happened to be the weekend of his 100th year! My father came the last night of my three days there and it was beautiful to bond with him and it felt like I was being welcomed into the world again by my father in a new light. <br />
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Stanley Paul Olko (Daddy darlin!!) I will love you always and forever like you have always loved me since before I was born and when you first welcomed me into the world.<br />
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The rest of my trip was wonderful and passed by rapidly, I was able to reconnect with many of of my old friends which was amazing. I have had so many wonderful people come into my life throughout the past thirty years, who I am still connected to now. My grandmother came down from New Jersey and shared with me amazing family stories from a generation or more before I was born. Its amazing how her mother (my great grandmother) Angelina, came with only her first born daughter from Italy to the United States on a boat to meet my great grandfather. Its incredible how one woman who births five daughters can create so many people that are here alive today. It represents for me the massive connectedness of everyone on earth. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE0QawkZN8ahPd_i0eY59Jrjf-1aUGRwIAb3Sl3dISSGZMmx2vafVfDmduzQfKoUaWPdb3EuPC15I7yMULKYPhxLmrG4tGN-Ijf9tofLy0Gtm24FvGJckehYevHGZ2rfDcDpTHE01eMXI/s1600/1502430_10101506442364299_973806731_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE0QawkZN8ahPd_i0eY59Jrjf-1aUGRwIAb3Sl3dISSGZMmx2vafVfDmduzQfKoUaWPdb3EuPC15I7yMULKYPhxLmrG4tGN-Ijf9tofLy0Gtm24FvGJckehYevHGZ2rfDcDpTHE01eMXI/s1600/1502430_10101506442364299_973806731_o.jpg" height="250" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Great grandma (Angelina), my mom, me & my grandma (Santina)</td></tr>
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I feel even closer with my mother and father than I can ever remember feeling before, in a whole new sense. While in Virginia, I am grateful that I got to spend time with the family that has been with us for as long as I can remember, The McConkeys (Micheal, Jeannie, Gabe, Ian and Juliette)!! Ian (the middle son) and Jeannie (the mama) sent me a beautiful care package (from their whole family) while I was in and out of the hospital. The card was a photo taken by Ian and his words written inside were part of what gave me hope and inspiration throughout my hospital stay. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidgtywKyISGo9DHH7qRIIo9u-_Rl-qUAYye1RAZY52oBMOTxe_lRMM_uv8I2g20W24IzofZKPXtW-UYP8gIeYbwpU3UvWmb3pot3M-zZWHJhcjLSJH2IBliL4hiA2p4v-aYPAFaYtbn4w/s1600/ian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidgtywKyISGo9DHH7qRIIo9u-_Rl-qUAYye1RAZY52oBMOTxe_lRMM_uv8I2g20W24IzofZKPXtW-UYP8gIeYbwpU3UvWmb3pot3M-zZWHJhcjLSJH2IBliL4hiA2p4v-aYPAFaYtbn4w/s1600/ian.jpg" height="320" width="286" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ian McConkey</td></tr>
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Ian is the middle son who I got to hold in my arms, kiss each others skin, touch our heads together, and be close with in a new way a couple days before I came back to California. Five years ago Ian was diagnosed with a tumor in his brain as well. It has been an up and down, twist around, up to the sky and down to the ground journey that has been an inspiration to me as well as others. I feel bonded to him physically and spiritually in a way beyond what I could've ever imagined and it gives my soul an awakening of the beauty of what DIS*EASE in our lives can bring us and how much EASE was felt when enthused and moved by Ian's journey. I believe everything happens for a reason and everyone on earth goes through suffering and challenges. Challenges are what brings us the brightest light if we can embrace them and accept the journey and know that we are all one.<br />
I am thinking that perhaps there will be more to come about my beautiful visit to Virginia in the future of this blog, as every moment is connected to other moments and to other connections. Connected connected connected. And, again may this new year bring you all happiness, beauty and love so bright to fill your hearts and body with health, joy and a new light. I feel so much gratitude towards all of you for reading about my journey as well as continuously reaching out to me and sending me healing support and love especially over the past few months. Om Shanti.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAiTTeRjzXsHYjg2ULJhB-jRMQ5C9Mj_INlCD_suVtxNbAu2nwup0bMxCe6Zf0LAWIIffpwk13Lfp13OF1IfeZhl0_E_dPjgc4QrFqVlhe8Yaust_KH_5mzocx759V8GIhz2fbcfHmeN8/s1600/ians+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAiTTeRjzXsHYjg2ULJhB-jRMQ5C9Mj_INlCD_suVtxNbAu2nwup0bMxCe6Zf0LAWIIffpwk13Lfp13OF1IfeZhl0_E_dPjgc4QrFqVlhe8Yaust_KH_5mzocx759V8GIhz2fbcfHmeN8/s1600/ians+photo.jpg" height="258" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photograph taken by Ian displayed on the cover of the card he sent me.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWjf5z0vXNcKnZQOgCLtLhrZ5hMCK9EgRKW8ur7TMD5SD7nviEslW5ArQROSONlV36jZC3zBR1n4E2FK42DD6kIqi5m26WHfvMJ_TV4F4Skf2b0P3mIqSVbj7WqaZ2uodOCsdg6WlzHWI/s1600/ians+letter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWjf5z0vXNcKnZQOgCLtLhrZ5hMCK9EgRKW8ur7TMD5SD7nviEslW5ArQROSONlV36jZC3zBR1n4E2FK42DD6kIqi5m26WHfvMJ_TV4F4Skf2b0P3mIqSVbj7WqaZ2uodOCsdg6WlzHWI/s1600/ians+letter.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ian's beautiful words that sent me hope and courage. I love you Ian!!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ-V23eXs3dnxrA6QKWAMojkSvNtTPxbqiJy0Ml4pOhuUNzPQmv2-DR_8ith8fk4LgZDVYcwi1iU-sHwICnIdKMOnLQk5ydwpCJa1-m7kPiW9Hy48kmqwlWTUn-IMb5xnZ6iZef9i-3h0/s1600/swami+s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ-V23eXs3dnxrA6QKWAMojkSvNtTPxbqiJy0Ml4pOhuUNzPQmv2-DR_8ith8fk4LgZDVYcwi1iU-sHwICnIdKMOnLQk5ydwpCJa1-m7kPiW9Hy48kmqwlWTUn-IMb5xnZ6iZef9i-3h0/s1600/swami+s.jpg" height="400" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"even the tiniest little thing can teach you a big lesson" - Swami Satchidananda</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.yogaville.org/" target="_blank">Yogaville's Website</a><br />
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Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7845454986522571448.post-78495529269593215092013-12-19T00:28:00.001-08:002015-01-11T23:07:32.206-08:00Emotions are Amazing Yesterday I rode 3 airplanes, which lasted all day long, and today has been my first day back in Virginia, where I grew up. I will be staying here for three weeks to spend time with my close family and friends for the holidays!! I have been wanting to write another blog post for the past couple weeks but I have been busy healing, shedding light on my path, as well as preparing for this trip. I haven't been back here to Virginia for about a year and a half now. WOW! I feel so happy and blessed to be able to connect with everyone I grew up with.<br />
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Yesterday on the plane I read an article by a man named <a href="https://theoptimist.com/events/learn-to-take-care-of-yourself-with-alexander-dekker/" target="_blank">Alexander Dekker</a>, a man who went through a similar experience I am on about twenty five years ago. A paragraph in his article that gave me chills and opened my heart, read, "Our society doesn't encourage us to show our emotions; it's often seen as a sign of weakness. But laughing crying and sharing emotions with others can be an amazingly healing experience." A little further along he wrote, "Research has revealed that unprocessed emotions are stored in the limbic part of the brain..." WOW. His entire article is amazingly connected with the similar approach that is emphasized by eastern medicine and acupuncture and also has influenced me on remembering some of the emotional experiences that I underwent in the beginning of my hospital adventure. <br />
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I remember when I was first admitted into the hospital, I had a couple days in a row where I felt strong, happy and positive, but a couple days later I suddenly felt angry, attacked, alone, and frustrated which then led to me feeling annoyed and guilty with myself for the new negative emotions which were ruining my positive ones which led to me feeling lost and confused and like I was heading down the wrong path without any control of how to get on the "right" one. Something I have been NOW connecting with and learning which is related to Dekker's words, and also was presented to me by my acupuncturist/healer/life coach, <a href="http://www.taoofwellness.com/doctors.htm" target="_blank">Dr. Mao Shing Ni</a>, is:<br />
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"<b>it's okay and a positive journey to have a flow of different emotions, including strength and happiness followed by weakness and sadness as well as other emotions. When we are going through tough experiences the flow of emotions is healing if it is like a river."</b><br />
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As long as we don't get stuck or stagnated in a certain one (like creating a dam in a flowing river) for so long that it begins to take over and manifest physically in an unhealthy way. Experiencing and allowing our emotions to arise and flow out is a very beneficial part of healing and growing in our journey. I have had amazing, joyous, and happy days, as well as days or moments where I have sobbed and let my tears flow. There have been a couple experiences where I was yelling and screaming which lead to me immediately taking a long restful nap. So, it has been a healing and touching experience for me to embrace and allow whatever emotions I am feeling to come to the surface and allow my body and soul to flow and move forward positively on my quest.<br />
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My release from the biopsy hospital adventure was exactly a month ago on November 18th. It's amazing at how fast time seems to be flying and flowing. On November 27th, two days after meeting with the radiologist doctor, I had my appointment to take the 43 metal screw/staples out of my head by the physicians assistant who has been helping with my case. Mmmm mmmm mmm; it was painful but within an hour, the intense headaches that I had had for the past two weeks since the biopsy suddenly disappeared. It was amazing! I was immediately able to start rubbing herbal liniment oil on my scar as well as have teachers put acupuncture needles right in and near the area, AND I could FINALLY take a shower!!! Not taking a shower in two weeks was hard. I am so grateful that my mother helped me wash my head in the sink twice a week and I was able to take baths, but finally being able to shower on my own was beautiful. I was so grateful and happy. I suddenly realized the stunning amazement of something I took for granted each day, and I am soooo grateful for having a shower in my life to clean my body. There are many on earth that do not. The day before the staples were taken out, a woman named Tracy Gibson-Simmer gave me an astounding haircut, which was a new look for a new me. I have never in my life besides when I was born, had hair this short. She styled it so my hair swooped over the almost naked side of my head and you couldn't even visually see that I still had 43 staples in my head. Below is a picture taken on the day of her cut, hair covering the bald side of my head filled with staples. Thank you Tracy!!!<br />
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On December 3rd I had my other oncology appointment with a doctor from the hospital. My previous appointment that I wrote about in my other post was a radiology appointment with a doctor whose office was in another location, not part of the hospital. When I met with the radiologist on November 25th, he had not been sent any results of the biopsy yet but he was a younger man who I appreciated and seemed to be on my page and not extremely pushy no matter what direction I decided to take down the road. <b> The oncologist on the 3rd who I met with had NOT looked over ANY of my medical results before I arrived,</b> so I waited for a decent amount of time while he took his time to retrieve them on his computer and quickly read over them and then began to talk to me about what he was reading which seemed to me to be somewhat vague since he hadn't had the time to look them over and be able to know and explain to me what he was reading at all. His vagueness influenced me even more to begin researching and finding out about the results on my own. I have found through some personal research what they mean, but mostly I have spent my time relaxing, breathing, seeking inward and meditating which has helped me find out about types of healing as well as my life journey. <br />
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The Western biopsy of my brain has been diagnosed by the western team as an oligodendroglioma on the left side of my brain attached to the temporal and frontal lobes. From what I have researched this type of brain tumor is more rare than others and mainly is diagnosed in people that are in their 50s or 60s. I found this to be very interesting and also caused me to realize how gifted I am to have the universe be presenting me with this opportunity and opening the door to help me on my life path of healing and acupuncture. Legally the oncologist suggested that I didn't need to do any chemotherapy but that I should start on radiation right away! I told him that I would not be undergoing any radiation at this time and thanked him for his input and advice and that I would undergo an MRI in the near future and we can continue to keep an eye on my path. I was so clear with him about my decision that to my surprise, he mainly just listened and then set up another MRI with me which will be near the end of February.<br />
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I have chosen to and have already started on the path of acupuncture and eastern medicine to heal my body. I am embracing the healing journey that my life path has chosen in this moment. I am however grateful for the kindness and beauty of my hospital stay and the success of my biopsy. After undergoing everything I have undergone, I was truly taken care of and here I am, alive! I have had no symptoms relating to the tumor and eastern medicine does not have side effects like radiation does, which one of the biggest includes short term memory loss. I have been an acupuncture student at Yo San University for the past 3+ years; part of what I have discovered since the biopsy is what I am undergoing has been gifted to me to open my eyes and heart to the path I have chosen as a healer and to first begin by learning how to heal myself. Never in this lifetime, until recently, have I had acupuncture and qi-gong treatments 5-7 days a week. The immensity of acupuncture that I have been receiving has been revealing to me a whole new outlook of acupuncture and chinese medicine. I am starting to learn, like Dekker explains, that a healthy life is achieved by physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance. It is important to be aware and uphold maintaining those aspects in a healthy way in our lives. For the first time ever, I feel as though my brain has been brought to life in a new and amazing direction. My eyes and heart feel fully open to beauty and gratitude. I am alive! I feel alert, awake and guided in my life direction. I feel gifted and grateful for the healers that have been helping me on my path. The foods, drinks and substances I have been putting into my system has changed, as well as my lifestyle.<br />
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My left shoulder which was broken and then had to be reset about a month ago by my qi gong master Dr. Zhou, is healing twice as fast as predicted. I could barely move my arm, could not lift it, or reach it out, or pull it in. It has only been one month and I can now reach my arm up towards the sun, moon and stars. All of the healers, acupuncture, herbs and liniment that has been directed towards me, I feel has been guiding me on a quick recovery. This truly includes my outlook and positivity of believing in myself. Also my hair is growing very quickly and my scar which was once raised high is almost flat on my head. I have been rubbing healing tincture and cream on my scar to help the scar as well as my brain. I have also been applying hair tonic which is strong to my head helping the hair grow quickly. The picture to the left was taken in the beginning of december right before my mom left and the one to the right below was taken during my airport journey yesterday on December 17th which shows the astonishment of my head and hair. It continues to amaze me at how capable the body is of putting itself to work to create healing and balance. The more I believe in it and the more I assist it, the faster it heals.<br />
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This spring semester at school which starts on January 6th I have chosen to take a bit of a break from taking classes full time at school and instead continue to spend full time healing myself. I will be making up classes I dropped this fall as well as studying for the pre-clinical exam. I was suppose to take the pre-clinical one of the days that I was in the hospital during the month of November. The pre-clinical is the exam that the students at my school must pass in order to practice in the clinic as an intern acupuncturist. The universe has given me what I feel are "extra credit" courses to undergo and to learn even more about the human body, before starting as an intern. I have written an amazing amount about my experience as well as about eastern medicine, but I also wanted to continue to recognize that I am fully grateful for western medicine as well and the success of my biopsy and hospital experience.<br />
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In February I will be visiting a Western doctor in Florida named David Perlmutter who specializes in neurological disorders. I have been reading his book "Grain Brain" which emphasizes the importance of eliminating certain foods from our diet, the main ones being gluten, sugar, and limited carbohydrates. Eastern and Western doctors are both amazing and should be able to work together more side by side. I hope that the door will continue to open wider and wider to a world of integrated medicine. <br />
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Another person that has been an amazing influence in my life is a man named Will Pye. He is someone that has gone through an amazing brain tumor adventure and who has also reached out to me and helped me on my journey. He is completing a publication of his story about the amazing gift of the brain tumor that was in his head, which I look forward reading. Thank you Will for your guidance and loving energy that has been sent my way. Below is a link sharing his the process of his publication which will be coming soon as well as a link to his website which is what led me to him.<br />
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<a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/blessed-with-a-brain-tumour-realising-it-s-all-gift-and-learning-to-receive" target="_blank">http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/blessed-with-a-brain-tumour-realising-it-s-all-gift-and-learning-to-receive</a><br />
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<a href="http://blessedwithabraintumor.com/" target="_blank">http://blessedwithabraintumor.com</a><br />
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Tomorrow I am heading to the Ashram at Yogaville to partake in a meditative and peaceful journey of connecting with myself as well as Swami Satchidananda who founded this ashram. He is no longer physically alive, but his soul is felt throughout. He is the guru who gave me my sanskrit middle name (Sundhari) as an infant and whose presence I felt while going into the biopsy. I will update all of you soon about my experience at the Ashram. I am so happy to be in Virginia for a short while and also so happy to have so much love and support endlessly still being sent my way. I love you all. Namaste.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; text-align: -webkit-left;">Tomorrow's worry will make you sick today. Stay healthy today.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; text-align: -webkit-left;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; text-align: -webkit-left;">~Swami Satchidananda</span><br />
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<br />Gabrielle http://www.blogger.com/profile/05318910836788957311noreply@blogger.com3