Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Faith and Fear

Hello my dear friends, I know it has been a while since I posted an update in this blog. The past couple months have been an intense part of my voyage.  However I am truly starting to notice that intensity and challenge in my life are bringing me into the beauty of true self-reflection and light. If you are new to reading my blog, welcome!!  I recommend you start by clicking on my 2013 November post (My Journey: The Beginning) and go from there.  If you have already been following my posts thank you for waiting, even though I have not posted in a while and have been exploring, unfolding, and peeling away challenging aspects of myself that have arisen, I have felt your love energy and support throughout the journey, and for that I am grateful.

It has now been about six months since my scooter accident which led me to my brain discovery, and five months since I underwent the biopsy.  I have been seeing many healing doctors who have been helping me immensely on my path.  At the end of February I underwent a follow-up MRI to take a look at what was going on, at which point it had been exactly three months since the biopsy.  A huge weight of fear and anxiety was lifted off my chest when the result showed that there has been ZERO growth!!

ZERO growth is amazing and the fact that fear and anxiety were lifted is amazing! What else is amazing is how the human brain likes to resort directly back into the way things were sometimes, however I believe that is not a capability as we cannot ever fully go back to the way exactly anything was. At the time I looked at no growth as a "phew" maybe this is nothing and never was anything and I can go back to being who I was before and not worry anymore.  Taking that outlook caused me to find fear and pain and more worry. The outlook that I feel now, which has developed throughout my challenges faced over the couple months since this, is that yes its okay to not worry anymore and to release emotion and feel happiness, but to look at this as an awakening to a new beginning and a new path. Rather than trying to escape and resort back to my old "easy" path that I should fully embrace the new one that has presented itself and allow the opening of the windows and doors to my voyage of healing and exploring my body in more ways than just focusing on the brain tumor. However perhaps I was meant to explore my old self in exactly that way in order to see this outlook.

A little while ago one of Swami Satchidananda's cards fell into my fingers which read, "Let total love, universal love, emanate from within."Meaning,"The more you think of your problems the deeper you'll go into them.  Its as if you are meditating on them, which is like pouring gasoline onto a fire.  If you pour love on hate, thats like pouring water onto fire.  Put in new, constructive ideas, and let those ideas take the place of mental fixations.  That's the spiritual way, the yogic approach.  If you hate somebody, instead of trying to find ways to get out of that hatred, just ignore it and try to love.  Think of love, love, love and the hatred will go away, automatically.  With regular practice of both physical and mental Yoga, you can easily overcome challenges in life, instead of worrying about them and constantly thinking about them." 
~ Swami Satchidananda 

Reading this card and feeling its presence helped me suddenly take a step back away from myself to realize the massive amounts of gasoline I had been pouring onto my fire.  It was time to start pouring water and love onto my fire and letting it melt away instead of creating bigger flames within my life.  Below I have included a bit from my journal that is one of the aspects that has made me consciously aware of the power that our mind has over our body.  And since our mind will always remain, instead of letting it pour gasoline onto our fires, how about learning how to create water of love to help guide our soul and wash away our troubles.

April 25, 2014 (Journal)

In the past couple months there has been a darkness looming over my soul. I am ready to let the light shine in; right now I am working on learning how to reach within to understand how to open that door. I was feeling strong, happy, healthy and well, when suddenly one day I awoke and started feeling numbness in my left arm and hand. Immediately my "monkey brain" began to take over and began to dump thought after thought into my mind of what this numbness could possibly mean, my greatest fear being my tumor taking over my body!  From the numbness I began to feel other pains including 3rd eye pain, shortness of breath, a tight chest and so forth and so on... It's amazing to me to think that before the scooter accident and before being in and out of the hospital for two months on medication and having my skull and brain cut into, that I felt healthy without a symptom at all that related to the experience I am in right now.  So how has this physical and emotional struggle implanted itself into my body and how do I release it and let it go? 

Not too long after experiencing the left arm numbness, which turned into shoulder pain, did I discover with the help of Dr. Benny Lin that this was solely related to my broken shoulder which still had some healing left to do. However, just the thought of the idea of death arising within my mind caused me to begin my intense thoughts about mortality. Where do we come from? What happens when we die? Where do we go? How is time passing so quickly? Why are my parents and family growing older? Thought after thought began to arise and scramble around in my mind causing a rave of emotion and tiredness which began to consume my brain, heart and soul.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine we talk about the "running piglet syndrome "which in western medicine is known as a panic attack.  It can be felt in the stomach area and runs up to the chest, interfering with the heart and chest causing palpitations, anxiety, fear and/or dizziness. I suddenly realized exactly what this term meant, as what felt like a piglet ran in circles around my belly and chest upsetting everything in sight. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, palpitations, sadness and depression started to kick in.  I was lying on the floor in pain having the first MAJOR panic attack of my life, crying so hard my body was shaking and in pain, my chest felt knotted and my lungs felt closed.  I was awakened to the effect that emotion has on our body physically and how it effects every part of our being.  The emotion caused my my entire physical body to begin feeling pain.  I began feeling pain in my neck, my shoulders, my legs, my chest, my eyes, and so forth and so on.  I then started dumping more oil on my fire by allowing my "monkey brain" to take over by trying to tell my real brain that all the pain I was experiencing from emotion was actually not emotion at all but that I was dying. 

But, like everything and like Swami's words above, I am realizing now that I was creating even more pain within my body by feeding my pain with more pain, created by emotion.  So I now look upon going through this emotional experience as a form of releasing my emotion and hatred and learning to recognize myself (THE SELF) so that I can know how to create love and flowing energy within my body, like water, so that I can create for my soul true healing, openness, and growth.  

A couple weeks ago, my friend Lana opened the doorway a second time for me to checking out the Benjamin Center: Cancer Support Community.  The first time she opened this door I was not keen to the idea at the time and this time I was, and what an amazing support community that came into my life exactly at the right time!!  Its incredible how when we are ready to open the door, it will open. There are many classes and lectures being offered there; also I have been assigned to a once a week support group as well as individual counseling.  One word and visualization that I created during my one on one counseling was SELF-REFLECTION as well as fear.  I have found that part of this journey I am on is a continuous concept of having to look at myself in the mirror, which I have done in the past, but the difference I feel this time is, I cannot put the mirror down, I must face the fear that I see before me and release it.  

By no mistake right around this time of facing FEAR and what it truly is, I picked another Swami Satchidananda card which read to me:  "Faith and fear do not go together."Meaning,"Fear isn't going to help you in any way. Fear makes the mind lose all its strength. Remember, even to have fear, you must have faith in your fear. You have faith in your fear, and thats why you are afraid.  But you should know that fear isn't going to bring you any benefit. Faith and fear don't go together. Either you have faith, or you have fear. You know that you're alive now. Why don't you enjoy the now, rather than worry about the future?  Enjoy both getting and losing. So, if you know the ultimate truth, theres no reason to fear. Don't let that fear come near you at any time. Lean to live in the golden present." ~ Swami Satchidananda 

Everything in this card is resonating with me especially his words about "You know that you're alive now!" WOW.  Seems so simple, but sometimes it takes the simplicity of just seeing that or saying that everyday for me to release the fear of death, or any other fear that is weighing upon me.  Having Swami's card in my hand presented to me more than just something to read, but I felt a new light of courage entire my soul.  There was another occurrence that came to me and enlightened and shifted my path;  one of the days I felt flooded by my tears, laying on the floor, I sensed my body shift and roll onto my hands and knees as I faced the window and cried.  I became conscious of being in a prayer position, reaching out towards the universe the best way I knew how.  I prayed to Swami Satchidananda, the Universe, Buddha, God, whatever higher power was out there.  And the next day, on Sunday I found myself at a church called St. Marks, up the street.

 I have not been to a church like this in a long long time.  The sermon that day at church was specifically about fear.  I felt in this moment that there was something out there, that was listening to me and perhaps I have spent a lot of time not wanting to or knowing how to ask for help.  The bible verse Matthew 7:7 suddenly became clear to me "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." I had been feeling stuck in a stage of "I can't and don't know what to do." I kept saying this to my mother, and I will never forget her response one day which is similar to the bible verse; she said to me, "instead of saying 'I can't' I want you to ask 'How?'"  From this moment forward thanks to my mother and the universe for helping, I am learning to to ask for help as well as shifting my I cant's to How? 

End of April I was called down to Florida to have an appointment with a well known neurology doctor, Dr. David Perlmutter. He is a western doctor who appreciates and integrates eastern medicine into his practice.  He has written many books, including The Grain Brain, which is the one I have been reading and following the nutritional outlook from within.  I had been on Perlmutter's wait list for a while, so when I was called to come see him at the end of April it was a joy to make the trip down.  An "expensive" joy!  

My father met me down there on Easter Sunday and the appointment with Perlmutter was the next day.  I decided to stay an extra few days to visit a dear friend, Kate, who lived nearby in Fort Myers as well as end my trip with Danielle DiVittorio, the amazing friend and woman who went above and beyond to start the GoFundMe website, which raised an incredible amount of money without me even knowing, which has truly helped me on the beginning of this journey.  Dr. Perlmutter's visit was a very expensive yet an extensive and helpful session which gave me beautiful insight onto my path and assistance with my healing direction and decisions.  Perlmutter's visit was incredible, but what has resinated within my soul the most from this trip to Florida was spending Easter with my father, as we explored the beauty of Florida as well as enjoyed fully the beauty of each other.  I am gifted and grateful to have an incredible man in my life, who is my father, an amazing healer, and a true friend! Its amazing how LOVE, respect and our family can be the most incredible medicine our body takes in, and the extra spoonful of medicine on top was the beauty of nature that florida offered!

After saying goodbye to my father, it was another burst of happiness in my soul to be able to wrap my arms around Kate Mohr as well as Danielle DiVittorio and physically feel the love I have for both of these amazing women.  Kate is an incredible friend that even though I only met her in California, three months before she moved back to Florida, she is a lifelong friend.  And spending my last three days in florida with Danielle was incredible! It has been a long time since I have seen her face in person, and it was lovely to bond together and spend time side by side like no time had even passed!!  She goes above and beyond for others and works for an organization which raises money and helps others and foundations around the world.

Since getting back to California, some of the self-reflection emotions have unfolded even more greatly.  I was faced with the idea of FAITH and FEAR full on the day I arrived back, as if a high power was asking me directly, "Do you have complete faith in healing yourself?"  The next day I ended up at Dr. Hua-Bing Wen's office in Beverly Hills.  He is a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist who has a specialty in oncology.  He also teaches herbal formulas at my university.  Although I never had him as a teacher at my school, I am paying for his full on teaching now.  He has put me at ease immensely with his treatment as well as formula.  One of his words of wisdom to me is, to have full faith in what I am doing, no matter what it is. To take that a step further, his words, combined with words from the Cancer Center, St. Marks Church, as well as other self-reflections along the way, have left me with this mantra of: Whatever you pick to have faith in is up to you, but whatever it is, have it be full on faith in what you chose. Sometimes along the way our faith may change and that is okay but we must have full faith in the new direction we chose to take. I have started working with Dr. Wen and I have full faith that his medicinal treatments are the best choice for my body to be healed and this experience working with him is an incredible awakening to the capacity that herbs and acupuncture have on our bodies.  

Master Zhou

I have also started getting treatments from Master Zhou again! And wow!  I will write a blog shortly solely  discussing my treatments with this man, as they are incredible!  I have full faith in the power of the hot healing energy coming out of his hands and into my body to create a newfound healing experience!  And another treatment which I have not yet mentioned that I have recently started on is CBD Oil therapy!  I am working with an incredible healer from Washington State with his cannabinoid treatment plan.  I am currently on day ten of taking the oils.  If anyone is more interested fully in knowing more about this treatment, below are links to a few article, and feel free to email me to get the information for the man I am working with.  The CBD oil treatment helps heal more than just cancer!!

Life is incredible! I am learning to embrace where I am right now, because this is where I am for a reason and I am alive!  Who knows how long this healing journey I have embarked on will take but I am learning to enjoy the ride.  When we reach our destination it is time for the next journey.  Thats how life seems to work. Michael Allen's words say it best, "Many are so focused on a destination they fail to see and appreciate what lies in between.  They drive to their destination and see nothing on the way.  Imagine all they are missing.  Even when they arrive, they fail to appreciate where they are, being too caught up in wanting to be somewhere else again."  Here I am on my healing journey of life, working each day towards fully appreciating what I am taking part in each day and seeing along the way!  I am here to enjoy the ride!!

Lastly, I am overcoming my fear to ask for help and would love as much financial support as well as healing energy sent my way as you all can! Below is a link to my updated GoFundMe page.  This journey in my life has been an incredibly challenging, life changing journey that I know is being sent to me by the universe for a reason, and will help me become an amazing healer, who can give back as well as pay forward.  The financial help that was given to me through the help of Danielle DiVittorio and all of you helped launch and support the beginning of my healing path.  With the sincere hope that my journey can continue to be as smooth as possible and that I can continue to seek out the appropriate help that I need, anything else that you can send my way would be greatly appreciated.

Here is a link to my updated GoFundMe page: 

Dr. Wen:

Dr. Perlmutter:

Dr. Zhou:

Dr. Paul Olko
Green Lake Healing Center

CBD (Cannabinoid):

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