Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Learning to Ride the Wave of Courage

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet
 voice at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The above quote shines through to me and gives me strength at the end of the day, that exactly where I am is okay; right now is okay!  I had my summer break from school about a month ago, in which I usually fly home or take a vacation.  This time I took a stay-cation and studied for school a bit as well as studied myself.  I have prescribed myself to not fly on an airplane for a while.  In Europe after patients get any kind of brain surgery they are restricted from flying on an airplane for at least a year.  The elevation of flying puts much pressure on the brain which is tough and after having undergone a biopsy less than a year ago, I have decided to give my brain a break. A stay-cation has been a beautiful challenge! But despite how much I LOVE to travel, getaway and explore, to have an adventure and leave where I am for a bit; I have also come to embrace that I have everything I need right here with me at all times.

Since my last post I have had about ten seizure like experiences, the last two of which were grand mal seizures (also known as a generalized tonic-clonic seizures), which features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions.  These seizures occur when the electrical activity over the whole surface of the brain becomes abnormally synchronized.  The brain's nerve cells normally communicate with each other by sending electrical and chemical signals across the synapses that connect the cells.

In people who have seizures, the brain's usual electrical activity is altered.  Exactly what causes the changes to occur remains unknown in about half the cases.  At the time it is unsure exactly where mine is coming from:  the good news is, it does not seem to be from the tumor growing any larger!  Perhaps the scar tissue is building up upon my scalp, as well as possible nerve damage during the biopsy, and last also, the one image I try to keep my mind on is that the nerves are regenerating within my head and practicing their generation moves right now, so they can grow to be strong and healthy!

I have gotten to experience a great deal in a short amount of time and I thank the universe  that I was in the right place at the right time when each of these occurred.  Every moment I am in I am exactly where I am meant to be.  During last weeks seizure I even fell and hit my face on the floor.  I woke up from my unconscious state, lying on my back with a neck brace on in the back of an ambulance, heading to Cedar Sinai Hospital. Apparently I had shaken so severely that it caused me to fall and obtain a black eye.  They ran a CT scan on me and set up an appointment for me to come in later in the week, to do more scans and look over everything to see what was up with the tumor, but other than that they told me I seemed healthy enough to go.

On Monday my mother arrived from Virginia.  She came to help me and I am ever so grateful! I know financially it was a hard decision for her and my dad to make,  but they knew I  needed help. Mom, bless her heart, is currently investing time and money into her own schooling to get an advanced degree in nursing but she and my father love me immensely and will do whatever it takes to be here for me as I would do the same for them.  What  amazing, wonderful, loving, inspirational, and healing kickass parents I have!

Considering all  the obstacles that have arisen, my mom came exactly at the right time to help me through this. Last night, almost a week later I had another grand mal seizure.  This time we drove back to Cedar Sinai, where I stayed the night and underwent some testing as well as an MRI.  They seemed to think the MRI scan showed everything was alright, that nothing was growing and putting pressure on my brain. They will be going through all of my previous hospital records this week in order to compare MRI scans from last fall to the recent ones taken last night.  The energy, attitude, patient relationships, and the compassion I have felt at this hospital are a lot different than the hospital I was at before where I underwent my biopsy.  It feels good this time to actually have a place where I feel recognized and known by name and face.  I feel that I can tell them where I am at and to not be criticized for the choices I make, whether I agree with their advice or not.  So if anything comes out of experiencing these seizures amongst other things, it is my gratitude for having come to find a caring relationship with this new hospital.

Tomorrow I will be bringing all of my hospital records and they will review my case and my MRIs I will keep all of you posted as the weekend unfolds.  This has been a pure challenge of my life.  I never in my life could have forseen this coming or that my life would be this way in a year last fall this time.   I am so grateful for all of my friends and family and anyone who has been reaching out, what a difference it has made!

My fathers album "Wait and Wonder" is now out.  Below is the main song on the record, Wait and Wonder.  The words say it best to the unfolding of our lives.  I made a video of me surfing in Mexico to go along with the words.  ENjoy!  Much LOVE, Keep you guys posted this week as the scans unfold.  And please please don't hesitate to send healing my way as well as everywhere else.

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