I have tried to write this post multiple times since my last official post in September, and every time I write my fingers cramp up and my mind blockades not even knowing where and how to unfold. My last post I wrote touched on vulnerability and not being afraid of sharing my authentic self with people in my life as well as with myself.
This past year has been a whirlwind, filled with many challenges, shadows, fears, emotions... but more importantly much growth, unfoldment, and so much joy! This past year has felt like the year of digging in the dirt so that I can plant the seeds so that this coming year my garden can begin to grow. In my last post I wrote, "I am realizing more and more the importance of allowing darkness into my life and accepting it, like a seed in the ground. The seed in the ground needs to be comfortable in the dark and accept the water that is coming in and the dirt all around, in order to be able to slowly grow upwards into the sunlight." I feel as though my seed is still in the ground. Its like my body has been shoved back inside my mothers womb to be able to experience a re-birth, into a new world.
I am each day recognizing the beauty of the science experiment of my own human body. Author, Dennis Merritt Jones, refers to the body as a biodegradable vehicle that the soul drives. I couldn't agree more! This past fall I started undergoing some hormone therapy, because we were able to recognize that when I was feeling seizure activity seemed to be happening between when I was ovulating and when my period started. I underwent an in depth assessment testing my hormones, which were all over the place. Boy has it been an experiment! The partial seizures have lessened in the past few months. I have adjusted somewhat to the sensation of having them, but it is still a bit scary.
I have never taken part in an ayahuasca ceremony but what I am experiencing is strikingly similar to the experiences of those who have, in the sense of feeling removed from my body, while in a lucid dream-like state, where I hear voices and seemed to be removed from reality looking in.
None of these have included the body shaking which is why it is medically called a "partial" seizure.
The most simple way to describe it would be that it is like having an aura, or being in a lucid dream state. There are three stages of it, 1. the coming on, 2. the full on state, and 3. the come down. I know what it is coming on because I hear distant voices speaking, the voices and sensation seem familiar, but each time I experience this "aura" it is a bit different but still "familiar." Once I am in a full on state, I am present, but incapable of communicating verbally. This lasts for usually about a minute, but seems to be MUCH longer. The concept of time feels muddled. Then following the experience there is a hangover, as I feel as though my soul is slowly coming back down into my body. Occasionally following these I feel cold to the bone with chills and chatting teeth, as though I have walked through a blizzard.
I wanted to include the journal entry written below, from this past fall. This entry, I have printed and placed by my bedside, so that I can read it anytime I begin to feel fear encasing over me. This entry is one of the most detailed and intense, well written and legible descriptions detailing how it felt to be fighting against this body I am living in which seemed to be trying to have a seizure. Every time I read this, I feel gratitude for the ability and the strength that the human body has to face itself, or for the "self" to face the human body.
November 29, 2015
This past week has been up there, one of the most physically straining and most intense episodes of my life. Not sure at all what is going on in my head right now, but pain as well as fear seems to have amassed my brain and body and taken over. I don't even exactly know what I am afraid of. Am I afraid of dying? Am I dying? Am I dead? No. Am I breathing? Yes. Somehow. The sensation that keeps coming about, which I am feeling a little of right now, hopefully is either passing or perhaps I am just getting used to it and allowing it. Either way I am still feeling it and I feel stoned, and removed from my body, like an onlooker looking in. I feel abdominal sensations of a piglet running in my belly, playing games, giving me symptoms of wanting to deficate but not being able to get up from my bed to be able to even try. Being able to take a full breath into my body seems to have become a challenge... My head is POUNDING!! There seems to be a drum battle with my head against my heart to see who can beat louder and stronger! My brain is wanting to hide away and hear silence!
My throat is dry and burning and raw. My sinus cavities are pounding with cold dry and painful air shooting up my nose and into my brain, and I wish it was going fully into my lungs instead and opening up my heart, which feels like it has been constricted into a metal sharp, cold, and pounding prison ball. My chest is tight like a hard knot and seems to be putting pressure on my left side where my heart is, as I can feel it pounding and shooting pain up into my shoulder. My entire body feels tingling and numb. One second seizure like activity keeps happening every few minutes. When it does I feel removed even further from my body for an instant and my chest, shoulders, and body seem to twitch forwards and upwards abruptly as my eyes blink strongly and my jaw clenches inward and tightly as I abruptly push air that doesn't seem to exist out of my lungs.
My body feels succumbed and motionless, drowning into painful numbness. I want to scream and run far far away from it all, but my mouth seems to be closed and unable to move and my legs seem incapable refusing and forcing me to embrace the darkness and to surrender to the fearful pain... and not need to know the answer to where this experience is coming from or where it is taking me, but to just recognize that all it is is just an experience and that is all and to not put meaning into it.
Re-reading my journal entry above as I write this blog post brings tears streaming down my face. Being alive fascinates me! Fear intrigues me! I have been treating a patient with acupuncture and herbs whose cancer has spread from his bile duct to his liver, stomach, and intestines within a short period of time. He was scared, and felt afraid to die, as well as felt physically in immense pain. Being given a death date by the doctors seems frustrating and fearful. The dictionary definition of fear is : an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or threat. The "belief" is an interesting way of phrasing it. And what is a belief? Definition says that it is "an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists, trust and faith and confidence of something." So in stating this I am finding beauty that believing that death is peaceful and magical and not a threat or painful is a powerful way to change a belief that seems to have been ingrained and is only a belief.
This patient has now passed along into the next realm that we call death. It was beautiful getting to know him for a short period of time and I did feel the emotion of sadness and tears rise up when I heard of his passing. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I feel in a place at this moment in time where I do not feel afraid of dying. What I fear most is others around me dying because of the feeling it feels to feel loss. What is death? The definition of death is: the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism, the state of being dead, the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. Does anything permanently end?
This body feels like a speck of stardust in a massive universe, connected to all the other specks of stardust in the universe. And I love living in it. My last post talked about vulnerability and making myself alert and aware of vulnerability has heightened vulnerable opportunities in my life, and I feel that I am faced with these exciting challenges often these days.
About a month ago I was experiencing sinusitis and severer pressure on my brain and had some very intense auras for a week straight. Herbs and acupuncture helped release that and I am now feeling AMAZING! Right now has been the longest I have gone without experiencing an "aura" seizure, and for that I am grateful. As far as the tumor and its existence... I don't know! Its been a while since I checked. When I do I will keep you posted. More importantly right now I am in the works of creating and putting together a documentary to follow my story as well as unfold and to help others who are facing their shadows, as well as be able to raise some funding to go down to Mexico and undergo some healing at an amazing institute where surgeons and energy healers stand side by side. My goal is to be able to give more awareness to our country of how this integration of medicine can be beneficial.
My album has also been released which I refer to as "surgery of the soul"! This album tells its own story and has come about from this tumor experience. For anyone interested check out:
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