Yesterday on the plane I read an article by a man named Alexander Dekker, a man who went through a similar experience I am on about twenty five years ago. A paragraph in his article that gave me chills and opened my heart, read, "Our society doesn't encourage us to show our emotions; it's often seen as a sign of weakness. But laughing crying and sharing emotions with others can be an amazingly healing experience." A little further along he wrote, "Research has revealed that unprocessed emotions are stored in the limbic part of the brain..." WOW. His entire article is amazingly connected with the similar approach that is emphasized by eastern medicine and acupuncture and also has influenced me on remembering some of the emotional experiences that I underwent in the beginning of my hospital adventure.
I remember when I was first admitted into the hospital, I had a couple days in a row where I felt strong, happy and positive, but a couple days later I suddenly felt angry, attacked, alone, and frustrated which then led to me feeling annoyed and guilty with myself for the new negative emotions which were ruining my positive ones which led to me feeling lost and confused and like I was heading down the wrong path without any control of how to get on the "right" one. Something I have been NOW connecting with and learning which is related to Dekker's words, and also was presented to me by my acupuncturist/healer/life coach, Dr. Mao Shing Ni, is:
"it's okay and a positive journey to have a flow of different emotions, including strength and happiness followed by weakness and sadness as well as other emotions. When we are going through tough experiences the flow of emotions is healing if it is like a river."
As long as we don't get stuck or stagnated in a certain one (like creating a dam in a flowing river) for so long that it begins to take over and manifest physically in an unhealthy way. Experiencing and allowing our emotions to arise and flow out is a very beneficial part of healing and growing in our journey. I have had amazing, joyous, and happy days, as well as days or moments where I have sobbed and let my tears flow. There have been a couple experiences where I was yelling and screaming which lead to me immediately taking a long restful nap. So, it has been a healing and touching experience for me to embrace and allow whatever emotions I am feeling to come to the surface and allow my body and soul to flow and move forward positively on my quest.
My release from the biopsy hospital adventure was exactly a month ago on November 18th. It's amazing at how fast time seems to be flying and flowing. On November 27th, two days after meeting with the radiologist doctor, I had my appointment to take the 43 metal screw/staples out of my head by the physicians assistant who has been helping with my case. Mmmm mmmm mmm; it was painful but within an hour, the intense headaches that I had had for the past two weeks since the biopsy suddenly disappeared. It was amazing! I was immediately able to start rubbing herbal liniment oil on my scar as well as have teachers put acupuncture needles right in and near the area, AND I could FINALLY take a shower!!! Not taking a shower in two weeks was hard. I am so grateful that my mother helped me wash my head in the sink twice a week and I was able to take baths, but finally being able to shower on my own was beautiful. I was so grateful and happy. I suddenly realized the stunning amazement of something I took for granted each day, and I am soooo grateful for having a shower in my life to clean my body. There are many on earth that do not. The day before the staples were taken out, a woman named Tracy Gibson-Simmer gave me an astounding haircut, which was a new look for a new me. I have never in my life besides when I was born, had hair this short. She styled it so my hair swooped over the almost naked side of my head and you couldn't even visually see that I still had 43 staples in my head. Below is a picture taken on the day of her cut, hair covering the bald side of my head filled with staples. Thank you Tracy!!!
On December 3rd I had my other oncology appointment with a doctor from the hospital. My previous appointment that I wrote about in my other post was a radiology appointment with a doctor whose office was in another location, not part of the hospital. When I met with the radiologist on November 25th, he had not been sent any results of the biopsy yet but he was a younger man who I appreciated and seemed to be on my page and not extremely pushy no matter what direction I decided to take down the road. The oncologist on the 3rd who I met with had NOT looked over ANY of my medical results before I arrived, so I waited for a decent amount of time while he took his time to retrieve them on his computer and quickly read over them and then began to talk to me about what he was reading which seemed to me to be somewhat vague since he hadn't had the time to look them over and be able to know and explain to me what he was reading at all. His vagueness influenced me even more to begin researching and finding out about the results on my own. I have found through some personal research what they mean, but mostly I have spent my time relaxing, breathing, seeking inward and meditating which has helped me find out about types of healing as well as my life journey.
The Western biopsy of my brain has been diagnosed by the western team as an oligodendroglioma on the left side of my brain attached to the temporal and frontal lobes. From what I have researched this type of brain tumor is more rare than others and mainly is diagnosed in people that are in their 50s or 60s. I found this to be very interesting and also caused me to realize how gifted I am to have the universe be presenting me with this opportunity and opening the door to help me on my life path of healing and acupuncture. Legally the oncologist suggested that I didn't need to do any chemotherapy but that I should start on radiation right away! I told him that I would not be undergoing any radiation at this time and thanked him for his input and advice and that I would undergo an MRI in the near future and we can continue to keep an eye on my path. I was so clear with him about my decision that to my surprise, he mainly just listened and then set up another MRI with me which will be near the end of February.
I have chosen to and have already started on the path of acupuncture and eastern medicine to heal my body. I am embracing the healing journey that my life path has chosen in this moment. I am however grateful for the kindness and beauty of my hospital stay and the success of my biopsy. After undergoing everything I have undergone, I was truly taken care of and here I am, alive! I have had no symptoms relating to the tumor and eastern medicine does not have side effects like radiation does, which one of the biggest includes short term memory loss. I have been an acupuncture student at Yo San University for the past 3+ years; part of what I have discovered since the biopsy is what I am undergoing has been gifted to me to open my eyes and heart to the path I have chosen as a healer and to first begin by learning how to heal myself. Never in this lifetime, until recently, have I had acupuncture and qi-gong treatments 5-7 days a week. The immensity of acupuncture that I have been receiving has been revealing to me a whole new outlook of acupuncture and chinese medicine. I am starting to learn, like Dekker explains, that a healthy life is achieved by physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance. It is important to be aware and uphold maintaining those aspects in a healthy way in our lives. For the first time ever, I feel as though my brain has been brought to life in a new and amazing direction. My eyes and heart feel fully open to beauty and gratitude. I am alive! I feel alert, awake and guided in my life direction. I feel gifted and grateful for the healers that have been helping me on my path. The foods, drinks and substances I have been putting into my system has changed, as well as my lifestyle.
In February I will be visiting a Western doctor in Florida named David Perlmutter who specializes in neurological disorders. I have been reading his book "Grain Brain" which emphasizes the importance of eliminating certain foods from our diet, the main ones being gluten, sugar, and limited carbohydrates. Eastern and Western doctors are both amazing and should be able to work together more side by side. I hope that the door will continue to open wider and wider to a world of integrated medicine.
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/blessed-with-a-brain-tumour-realising-it-s-all-gift-and-learning-to-receive
http://blessedwithabraintumor.com
Tomorrow I am heading to the Ashram at Yogaville to partake in a meditative and peaceful journey of connecting with myself as well as Swami Satchidananda who founded this ashram. He is no longer physically alive, but his soul is felt throughout. He is the guru who gave me my sanskrit middle name (Sundhari) as an infant and whose presence I felt while going into the biopsy. I will update all of you soon about my experience at the Ashram. I am so happy to be in Virginia for a short while and also so happy to have so much love and support endlessly still being sent my way. I love you all. Namaste.
Tomorrow's worry will make you sick today. Stay healthy today. ~Swami Satchidananda
