Friday, January 9, 2015

Lonely... Alone... All One

You cannot be lonely if you love being alone with the person you are with.
~ Wayne Dyer

And the New Year begins...

I think the New Year is wonderful, in the sense that the brain is relating it to a set time and way to embark upon new things and make shifts in our lives.  Lately I have been wondering if time is actually "set" or not, and because of that, could a new year begin whenever we desire? I did create a new years intention, which is to unfold and understand the idea of lonely and alone, and from this to learn to unmask the joy of alone. This intention has arisen within me the past few months.  I find it amazing how as soon as a thought or question arises, the universe begins to send homework to embark upon as learning and guidance. Sometimes the answer and understanding comes right off the bat and other times it continues to unfold.  And occasionally, what is thought and felt to be understood will take on a different form or question later down the road.  When this happens, I tend to look back and smile and think, "Wow I thought I understood, but look where I am now at a completely new a understanding." And thus life is a journey.

Miriam-Webster dictionary defines alone: separated from others, exclusive of anyone or anything else, considered without reference to any other. And lonely: being without company, cut off from others, not frequented by human beings, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation. My friend Zach and I were chatting the other night about elements of our lives that we have been discovering and creating, and suddenly the word alone, to me, became two words, 'al'one.  Miriam-Webster defines alone as being separated from others but I believe, it could be further defined as realizing that being with the self is learning that the self is all one.

In the past couple months loneliness felt immensely present in my life. I ended up going to the emergency room a couple times. The first time was because of intense headaches I had been experiencing, which seemed to last for days on end and were not dissipating.  It felt bittersweet that my mother was no longer out here, all of my friends seemed to be busy with their own lives and I felt frustrated unsure and alone.  I wanted to be alone but I also felt sad and lonely to be alone.  To me, in that moment, it seemed more delightful and ensuring to go to the hospital and have the support and encouragement of the staff, which in the moment made me feel safer and comforted.  Some seem to dread going to the hospital, but for myself, going made me feel relieved and protected.  It also felt securing to see that I was not the only one that was going through an ailment.  I look back on this experience now in gratitude, as perhaps I may not have needed to run to the ER, but it has made me more aware of learning to embrace the beauty of aloneness and in understanding that everyone has a wonderful challenge to embark upon in many different forms. Not to say that there isn't a time and place to go to the ER when need be and to undergo my own safety, but what I have left with and think back upon from that experience is the grace of learning to find comfort, encouragement, and support from myself, and the true wonder that arises from doing so.  I appreciate the hospital staff, my mom, my family, my friends and everyone that has reached out and sent me so much inspiration and support, but it is when I learn to fully unravel those aspects alone with myself, that I truly feel "all one." The ego continues to bring to me aspects of feeling lonely, and I am learning to get excited when they appear and to feel them and say hello to them and to feel gratitude because I get to learn to shift lonely into alone into all one with myself.

This being said, after undergoing my hospital visits, and learning a little to feel happy being alone and letting lonely dissipate, I was scheduled for an appointment to meet with the neurologist and neuro-oncologist at Cedar Sinai.  Last time I had been there, I had requested to have my entire case transferred over to them, which would include the biopsy sample being sent to their lab to undergo a second evaluation. At the appointment the neuro-oncologist walked in and said hello and than explained to me that their labs had been able to examine the sample.  He stated, "I have some good news for you which is when we took a look at the pathology here on the slide, we felt that it was actually more like a grade 2 oligodendroglioma and less like a 3 oligodendroglioma; so thats great.  Usually when we're talking about things like high grade gliomas versus low grade gliomas, we usually consider high grade to be grade 3 and 4 and low grade to be grade 2."  He noted that in their reports there has been a change. They have stated that, they recognize that it was reported to be a grade 3 by the previous hospital, but their observation has showed no evidence that that is the case and, they believe it to be a grade 2. He described that, to them this means that it is important to keep an eye on things, but that the rate of change and growth is slow and could go years and years with absolutely no change.  He also confirmed that the fact that they compared my MRI from last year to the one that they took this year and that there is no change, confirms to them that it is not a grade 3 tumor.  He exclaimed that we are in a different boat now as far as chemo and radiation goes as their directed treatment, because we are talking about a grade 2 and not a grade 3, as well as an oligodendroglioma which is the type of tumor that is less aggressive.  He described that in terms of treatment that it has been watched for a year and he thinks the best idea is to just keep an eye on it, and if a year from now it hasn't grown to space out MRIs to maybe twice a year or once a year.

This being said, WOW.  A year later getting a second opinion and a different outlook on where deep down, I have felt I have been this entire time, was very moving.  Even though my body has known that that this was the case, there was an amazement to be looked in the eyes by a neuro-oncologist and told what I have already felt all along.  I never had the intention of getting radiation or chemo-therapy, but to have him state that he thought it was best to hold off on such things as to not cause the body any further destruction, caused chills to run through my body in astounding peaceful amazement!!

He agreed with me in the outlook of what I have been experiencing in terms of headaches, seizures, and shifting in my body being associated directly with undergoing the traumatic experience of having my head, skull, brain and body effected by the biopsy.  I am astounded that it is when I learn to fully embrace the challenges and become all one with alone and touch my hands to my heart and tell myself "I love you! I love everything you are, everything you have, and exactly the way you are!" that I have the neuro-oncologist look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what I have been desiring to hear.  I giggle thinking that it is when I fully chose to let go of that desire and throw it to the wind, that it comes and presents itself.

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