Everything Comes And Goes

Its amazing to think that my last post was about four months ago, it feels like just yesterday. However much has happened in the last four months.  For starters, my last post was beginning of January, and exactly two weeks after posting, I had an MRI scheduled and asked that my follow-up appointment be the same day.  The MRI follow up appointment consisted of the neuro-oncologist telling me that in comparison to my previous MRI that it looked as though there was a bit of inflammation in relation to the tumor. Because of this he suggested that he believed I should start on Temador, an oral chemotherapy drug which is an alkylating agent used for certain brain tumors.  I felt as though a massive punch slammed through my head numbing my ability to think clearly, causing my ego brain to start on a wild rampage of thoughts, one of which was the frustration of my last blog post addressing the same neuro-oncologist telling me that the tumor was actually it a grade 2 not a grade 3 like the other hospital had diagnosed me with a year prior.

I felt the ego thoughts screaming at me about my blog post telling me that I had jinxed myself into creating this.  The thoughts started to swirl around my mind so wildly that I suddenly stepped away from them and watched them swirl and twirl, realizing that none of them have to control me at all.  I was reminded that they do not define me; they are only thoughts that arise.  Flooding into my soul came the true beauty and realization of the coming and going of everything in life, coming and going, conceiving that all that energy created around and controlled by thoughts can often be paralyzing both mentally and physically to my body, if I allow it.


The words of Swami Satchidananda helped me be able to step away from the thoughts that I thought were "me" and un-claim them and watch them swirl.  He says, "anger is caused by your own expectation, misplaced.. when you did not get what you want, you get angry... Loss!? what did you have to lose? is there anything that you could call yourself yours? theres nothing for us to lose, you came with nothing, you go with nothing. what do you lose? even the body is not yours. Everything that comes will go.  Equanimity; when theres a coming theres a going, dont let your mind be affected by that."

The past few months I have been weaning off of Dilantin, which was an anti-seizure medication I started taking this past fall, prescribed by the hospital.  I am currently weaned onto Vimpat, weaning off of Dilantin has been a challenge.  There are a lot of things about weaning off a psychoactive medications that doctors don't tell you.  In previous posts I have written about my Keppra experience, which was the first anti-seizure medication they put me on, giving me 4000 mg of right after the biopsy.  The effects of being on that were unbearable for my body, and the effects of weaning off of it were scary.  What I know now that I did not know then is the slower the wean off the better.  During my wean off of Dilantin the past few months, immense physical and emotional symptoms have been present.  Within 48 hours of weaning off the first capsule, my journal entry was:

I feel palpitations right now, my heart is beating so fast and my chest feels tight. My stomach is in a knot, it is cramped and in pain, all over, from top to bottom and I feel nauseous.  My mouth is dry and my body is lacking strength, I feel like I am stoned or drunk on drugs, hungover and removed from reality. I feel scared to fall asleep, I lay here and keep picturing a body removal approaching...its like I have experienced it enough times that the idea of it seems rather familiar but overly unknown and distant at the same time.  My stomach turns, in chinese medicine we call it the running piglet, to me this feels more like 20 running piglets all running in different directions creating chaos.  I feel chaos.  I have not yet discovered how to make peace with chaos.  I feel scared, alone, confused, I want to be independent, healthy, and strong, but I also want people by my side helping.  However it seems when they do I want to push them away.  I dont know how to sleep. I want to run to the hospital, but at the same time where is that gonna get me? 

According to the doctors at the hospital, I couldve weened off the dilantin much faster than I have been, but thank goodness I discussed with them the importance of taking my time and the sensitivity that the human body can have when making shifts with a psychoactive drug. I am almost completely weened off of the dilantin and on my final haul.

I have started on oxygen therapy, which has been amazing.  It feels calming and healing to lay in the oxygen chamber each day. The air pressure in the chamber is about 2-3 times higher than the normal pressure in the atmosphere, which helps the body carry more oxygen to organs and tissues in the body.  It has been known to reduce inflammation as well as assist in treating cancer.  There is a link Cancer Resources above on my home page that speaks more in depth about oxygen therapy if anyone is interested.  It is used to heal much more than just cancer.

On April 17th, my friends held a fundraiser for me at Bhakti Yoga Shala where I practice yoga as well as partake in weekly chanting that continues to be an avid part of my healing plan.  The fundraiser was wonderfully overwhelming.  It was definitely a life lesson for me to be able to open myself to the love and to accept the fact that I am worth it and deserve to be given this wonderful event in my honor.  The night consisted of a silent auction, a raffle, live music, food, friends, and so much healing love.  Our band Amrit Vela put forward a beautiful set, as did many other musicians that performed as well. A bit of money was raised that evening, but more importantly there was an overwhelming amount of love.  The amount of healing love that was channeled towards me that evening felt a bit like a brain surgery happening, where once put under I did not have any control over the amount of love and healing that was flooding my way! Even if I tried to push it away, it would not have been possible. Thank you to each and every musician that volunteered there music as well as every person that helped set up, as well as each friend that came to partake in the event.  I will never forget this evening.

Amrit Vela Band

I have passed my pre-clinical exam and will be starting my internship next week, where I will be in the clinic at my school treating patients.  Passing my pre-clinical exam was a challenge in and of itself.  I failed the exam twice in the past two years and studying for it and giving myself a drive of determination along with my healing has been a kick-ass challenge. I give myself a huge pat on the back for finally passing.  Passing that exam has allowed me to know that I have the ability to handle anything that comes my way.

 Right now, I am not undergoing any type of chemotherapy as suggested by the neuro-oncologist.  I appreciate him reaching out and caring for me in the best way he knows how with the knowledge that he has.  As of now I am partaking fully in oxygen therapy 5 days a week as well as continuing to stick to the ketogenic cancer diet and CBD therapy.  I have not yet gone back to the hospital to partake in any more scans to see whats going on,  I intend to wait until I am finished with my dilantin ween off as well as undergone 40+ oxygen sessions. Ultimately I feel the most important thing for me right now is to trust my body and give it some credit for its strength.  Earlier today I wrote down my symptoms I was feeling as I undergo my final ween-off, I then reworded what I wrote to unfold my healing even further.  I truly believe in the power of words.  If we get stuck telling the same story over and over, it seems that we get stuck in that story and fail to drop it.  I have been listening to a podcast http://asara.com/radio/ by Asara Lovejoy in relation to her book One Command.  It talks about living in the quantum field and stopping negative thoughts in their tracks and re-writing DNA codes for success.  Instead of hating the way I am feeling and wondering why or hating the medicine I am taking and wishing I wasn't I am learning to re-write this aspects into positive healing modalities instead  When I do so I notice an immediate shift in my body.

Earlier today I started to begin writing everything I hated at the moment about how I was feeling as I was having a slight reaction to the medication ween-off, but quickly stopped myself in my tracks and re-wrote my thoughts to change them.

I feel as though I have taken the biggest bong rip of my life with weed that was coated in a psychoactive drug as well as shot up with morpheme which is numbing the pain but not the fear.

RE-WRITE:

I feel as though my body is undergoing one of the strongest most beautiful shifting and uplifting healing sessions.  My body is currently flushing out every toxin and letting go of all the energy it no longer needs, and taking in the energy it does.  My body is outstanding, strong and healthy!  It is perfectly capable of handling its healing process.  Everything that is entering my body and everything it comes into contact with has a healing effect.  The medication I am currently taking is allowing my body to heal to its maximum capacity. I AM ALIVE.  I AM HEALTHY. I AM STRONG.  I AM.

Within 10 minutes of re-writing my thoughts, I felt my body shift and change.  This aspect is still somewhat new and explorative for me, but I am fully loving every moment of my exploration. I will keep you all posted as the ween off fully completes itself.