Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dear Brittany Maynard

Hello My Loved Ones, I am grateful and blessed to have you here today, taking the time to read what is written.  If you are new here, feel free to check out My Journey: The Beginning or feel free to just read what you see right here.  Before I entail upon telling you all about the outcome of my wonderful hospital appointment, I would like to post a copy of what came out of my fingers a couple weeks ago the day I found out about the woman named Brittany Maynard who also has been on an astounding brain tumor journey, she recently has been on the news because she has decided to end her life. Reading my own words below has unraveled even more healing for myself!

"The more you value and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to value and celebrate!"

Dear Brittany,

How can anyone decide when he or she will die? I too have been diagnosed with a tumor in my brain, that the doctors at the hospital have told me is inoperable.  After the biopsy they suggested I undergo radiation/chemo treatment, for they believed the tumor could grow quickly.  I have chosen not to partake in either and to live my life fully.  Having to think about death everyday, as you and I do, makes us appreciate our lives here on earth every second, and that is a beautiful gift to us both.

So, why not stay here in this physical vessel of a human body until meant to leave this Earth? And what is the beauty that is brought to us by suffering?  I have no idea how long the tumor has been in my brain, but I do know that I do not own it, it is not mine. It has come to me perhaps for a purpose.  It is in a location that the doctors have determined makes it unsafe to remove.  But are the doctors God?  Ultimately even we do not decide on our life, but God or (the law of the universal response) does.  Today as I sat in the hospital, instead of having the doctor be the one that dictated my choices to me and told me what my destiny would be, I said to him, "Hello, I am grateful to have you in my life.  Welcome to my healing team!" I have determined that I am my own healer.  I have chosen a team of healers to help me on my journey, but ultimately the journey is my own, just like your journey is your own. My choices are my own, your choices are your own.

I am grateful for the neuro-oncologist, the neurosurgeon, the neurology doctor, all the nurses, the acupuncturist, the herbalist, the CBD doctor, the energy healer. the nutritionist, the chanting/sound healer, and many other members that have been included in my team. Though each of them brings a different attribute and healing energy to my life, none of what they bring can ultimately determine what I should and should not do.  No one can determine my destiny, my life, or my death.  I cannot even determine that.  The famous saying, "I'll believe it when I see it!" reformatted/reborn goes more like this: "I'll see it when I believe it!"

Even if you only have a short time left in this physical embodiment before you head on into the next realm, why not help others on their voyage?!  You are an inspiration to the entire world Brittany!  Your voice has been heard!  You are not alone in being told and you are not the only one that has been told by doctors that you only have a certain amount of time left on this Earth.  You are not alone in feeling physical and emotional pain. Lets stand together and help those out there also on healing quests.  I truly believe life is a journey, there is no destination.  Death brings us life!  One thing I am immensely grateful for in this moment is being confronted by death has actually AWAKENED me to life and has turned me from who I thought I was into who I truly am.  The beauty of death has brought me life! For the first time in my life all the gossip/regrets/embarrassment/judgement/ and blah blah blah has been able to fall away and has left me feeling truly awakened.  Death is a constant reminder to appreciate life!

It's amazing that, at such a young age, you and I and many others are given this gift.  A couple months ago, I wrote a blog post about a low moment I experienced.  I saw myself as the woman on the beach with cancer who felt death sitting heavily on her shoulders.  As I sat there feeling this weight, lightening came out of what seemed like nowhere--no more than 200 feet away from me--and killed two people on the beach! Just a reminder to me that death exists, and because it comes when it comes, it is time to live! Even if it's for one more day, one more month, one more year, 100 more years.  We are on this Earth for as long as we are meant to be here!

Having this unexpected journey with death coming into my life has brought me a BRAIN new beginning! Thank you for your inspiration.  I recognize that your life is your choice; all I ask is that you share your passion with yourself and love yourself and your life!  Let the universe take you onto the next path when the universe wants to take you onto the next path and for now in your last days, years, decades here on this Earth, REJOICE!!  I would love to meet you!

Love Always,


Writing this letter, and now reading it as I type it into this post brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of passion,  love, sadness, joy, and much GRATITUDE.  Re-reading and writing this letter and thinking about how quickly and passionately it came out of my fingers without me even fully "thinking" about what I was writing truly has faith that the universe and unconscious are sending myself a healing through my own words.  This letter has been what is resonating with me since my last post but just to let you all know my experience at Cedar Sinai has been positive.  I am grateful to add them to my team!  The tumor has showed no growth.  They intend to have the biopsy sample shipped from UCLA Harbor over to their lab to re-check what they see.  The one thing I love thus far is the treatment they have suggested has been radiation as well as chemotherapy but they have not been pushy about it and told me that they respect whatever I chose.  The neuro-oncologist even noted that he thinks CBD therapy can be helpful. Here I am right now feeling LOVE LOVE LOVE.  This moment is wonderful.

I give myself permission!

One link to Brittany's Story:

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Learning to Ride the Wave of Courage

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet
 voice at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The above quote shines through to me and gives me strength at the end of the day, that exactly where I am is okay; right now is okay!  I had my summer break from school about a month ago, in which I usually fly home or take a vacation.  This time I took a stay-cation and studied for school a bit as well as studied myself.  I have prescribed myself to not fly on an airplane for a while.  In Europe after patients get any kind of brain surgery they are restricted from flying on an airplane for at least a year.  The elevation of flying puts much pressure on the brain which is tough and after having undergone a biopsy less than a year ago, I have decided to give my brain a break. A stay-cation has been a beautiful challenge! But despite how much I LOVE to travel, getaway and explore, to have an adventure and leave where I am for a bit; I have also come to embrace that I have everything I need right here with me at all times.

Since my last post I have had about ten seizure like experiences, the last two of which were grand mal seizures (also known as a generalized tonic-clonic seizures), which features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions.  These seizures occur when the electrical activity over the whole surface of the brain becomes abnormally synchronized.  The brain's nerve cells normally communicate with each other by sending electrical and chemical signals across the synapses that connect the cells.

In people who have seizures, the brain's usual electrical activity is altered.  Exactly what causes the changes to occur remains unknown in about half the cases.  At the time it is unsure exactly where mine is coming from:  the good news is, it does not seem to be from the tumor growing any larger!  Perhaps the scar tissue is building up upon my scalp, as well as possible nerve damage during the biopsy, and last also, the one image I try to keep my mind on is that the nerves are regenerating within my head and practicing their generation moves right now, so they can grow to be strong and healthy!

I have gotten to experience a great deal in a short amount of time and I thank the universe  that I was in the right place at the right time when each of these occurred.  Every moment I am in I am exactly where I am meant to be.  During last weeks seizure I even fell and hit my face on the floor.  I woke up from my unconscious state, lying on my back with a neck brace on in the back of an ambulance, heading to Cedar Sinai Hospital. Apparently I had shaken so severely that it caused me to fall and obtain a black eye.  They ran a CT scan on me and set up an appointment for me to come in later in the week, to do more scans and look over everything to see what was up with the tumor, but other than that they told me I seemed healthy enough to go.

On Monday my mother arrived from Virginia.  She came to help me and I am ever so grateful! I know financially it was a hard decision for her and my dad to make,  but they knew I  needed help. Mom, bless her heart, is currently investing time and money into her own schooling to get an advanced degree in nursing but she and my father love me immensely and will do whatever it takes to be here for me as I would do the same for them.  What  amazing, wonderful, loving, inspirational, and healing kickass parents I have!

Considering all  the obstacles that have arisen, my mom came exactly at the right time to help me through this. Last night, almost a week later I had another grand mal seizure.  This time we drove back to Cedar Sinai, where I stayed the night and underwent some testing as well as an MRI.  They seemed to think the MRI scan showed everything was alright, that nothing was growing and putting pressure on my brain. They will be going through all of my previous hospital records this week in order to compare MRI scans from last fall to the recent ones taken last night.  The energy, attitude, patient relationships, and the compassion I have felt at this hospital are a lot different than the hospital I was at before where I underwent my biopsy.  It feels good this time to actually have a place where I feel recognized and known by name and face.  I feel that I can tell them where I am at and to not be criticized for the choices I make, whether I agree with their advice or not.  So if anything comes out of experiencing these seizures amongst other things, it is my gratitude for having come to find a caring relationship with this new hospital.

Tomorrow I will be bringing all of my hospital records and they will review my case and my MRIs I will keep all of you posted as the weekend unfolds.  This has been a pure challenge of my life.  I never in my life could have forseen this coming or that my life would be this way in a year last fall this time.   I am so grateful for all of my friends and family and anyone who has been reaching out, what a difference it has made!

My fathers album "Wait and Wonder" is now out.  Below is the main song on the record, Wait and Wonder.  The words say it best to the unfolding of our lives.  I made a video of me surfing in Mexico to go along with the words.  ENjoy!  Much LOVE, Keep you guys posted this week as the scans unfold.  And please please don't hesitate to send healing my way as well as everywhere else.

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