Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Medication Frustration Shifted To Meditation Transformation

Hello there, its been a while since my last post so I decided to write and fill you all in with where I have been the past couple months.  Like I mentioned in an early post, I have been experiencing seizures, and auras, and a feeling of disorientation, and a lot of uncontrolled fear.  I remember calling my dad one day in tears and shaking saying to him, "I feel like I just took a drug and now I am having a bad trip and don't know how to come down! My brain doesn't feel right!"  And his response back to me was, "My daughter, you are taking a drug. A drug that effects the way the brain works and can build up toxicity in the body and create these side-effects you are experiencing."

The medication I am currently taking, and currently weening off of is called Vimpat (Lacosamide).  This is an anti-epileptic drug that is a federally controlled substance (Schedule 5) because it can be abused or the body can become dependent on it.  The number one most important thing about this drug, which is written on the Vimpat website is, "Do not stop taking Vimpat without talking to your healthcare provider. Stopping Vimpat suddenly can cause serious problems."

After running the MRI for the third time since the seizures frequented last June, showing no change of the tumor at all, undergoing an EEG scan, as well as observing all my symptoms over the past couple months, we have confirmed that most of what is going on is coming from the toxicity that has build up in my system over the past couple years from the anti-seizure medication I have been taking.  I have been experiencing noted side effects that have come in waves over the past couple years since I started this medication; the most intense one being that of disorientation and not quite feeling in my body.  Its hard to describe the feeling.  It feels like being a bit "stoned" and in a mild dream state.  I feel in a deja vu familiar state of mind, but also removed from what is in any way normal or safe.  I feel in a state of terror with a churning sensation in my abdomen which rushes up to my chest.

Other things I have been experiencing as a result of this medication over the years include: shortness of breath, itchy skin, mood swings, dizziness, short term memory loss, sinus infections, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, anxiety, panic attacks, over-emotion and many others.  I would say since I started taking it,  I have experienced about 75% or more of the notated symptoms, and possibly even some non notated symptoms, as Vimpat is still a newer medication which has only been out since 2009.

What I have been journeying through the past few months has been aura and seizure like activity which has been occurring every 1-3 days.  I have moved back to Virginia for a while to be able to get things on track and in order and to put my health number one in my life during this medication ween off, as well as to spend time with my family, re-root in the clean fresh mountain air, and study for my National Exams.  We are working with a specialist, James Harper, and his THE ROAD BACK ween off program, which I started on in January.  The program, related to the medication I have been using, is about 10-12 months.  The reason it takes this long is, the brain has built up addictive qualities and me weening off too quickly could cause even more seizures than I am already experiencing, including grand-mals as well as intensified other activity in the body.  As badly as I want to be off of it now, its something that I am learning needs time and patience.  This medication which is suppose to be an anti-seizure medication has over the years caused me to feel disoriented and in a different dimension.  Like I mentioned earlier, I have been experiencing many aura like experiences which I am conscious for.  They generally are only about 30 second - 1 minute experiences, but feel much longer. Its a feeling of being stuck in a nightmare and not knowing how to wake up, and then I wake up, and here I am still alive in this body.

Some of the seizures have just been auras and not so much seizures, but over the past few months every 3-4 days the auras have escalated into a short 30 second black out which is known as a "partial" seizure, which I showed a video of in my previous post.  I am still experiencing them on occasion, although they seem to have lessened a bit.  The Chinese herbs, diet, vitamins, CBD, and lifestyle I am living are helping these symptoms lesson, but I am also having to learn the beauty of faith and of patience and of just sitting with the fear instead of fighting it!

I keep thinking I have worked through the regret of getting the biopsy but the thoughts keep arising in my mind of wishing I had never had my head ripped open and that none of this would be happening had I not done that.  But here I am and I did it, and I am here in this moment right now, alive and having these experiences.  Thats all they are is experiences!  The brain likes to put so much meaning and story behind each experience.  I am sick of telling this story about this tumor thing and blah blah blah!! I am ready for a new story!  I am currently reading a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza called "You Are The Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter."  He speaks about his own personal amazing health journey and the possibility of healing without drugs or surgery.  I am right now changing my story and releasing my past story, and although Vimpat has felt like poison, and the biopsy has felt like destruction I am letting go of those stories right now! 

“Your thoughts and feelings come from your past memories. If you think and feel a certain way, you begin to create an attitude. An attitude is a cycle of short-term thoughts and feelings experienced over and over again. Attitudes are shortened states of being. If you string a series of attitudes together, you create a belief. Beliefs are more elongated states of being and tend to become subconscious. When you add beliefs together, you create a perception. Your perceptions have everything to do with the choices you make, the behaviors you exhibit, the relationships you chose, and the realities you create.” 

In this moment what I am experiencing is being born.  A homeless man approached me earlier this year asking me how old I was, when I told him I was 33 he looked at me and stepped back and smiled and said, "This is the year of your resurrection and rebirth! It may not be an easy year but it will be a beautiful one, have faith and hang in there!"  I will never forget those words.  Each time I wake up I appreciate what I have and do not take anything for granted.  I am allowing my body to release what is no longer needed, and to strengthen and heal what is needed.  When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman, filled with much strength and compassion, as well as faith and patience!  This is a beautiful life adventure I am on and there is so much beauty still waiting to be unfolded.  I have realized the power of drugs on the system and the power of interfering with the body and how much that can take a toll on the human body.  I have also realized how much the mind and the ego and the "stories" take a toll on the body as well. I have become aware of how strong the human body is in recovering from those aspects, so long as I don't keep doing them and am now giving the body the nutrients, the love, the patience and THE FAITH needed for its full recovery!

The fact that this experience has not done one thing that the first doctors claimed it would do, is proof of how ultimately we are our own doctors!!  And just because we are told one thing does NOT mean it is the truth or it is real.  Our OWN bodies and our OWN beliefs are what create us.  Like Joe Dispenza says:

“And can you teach your body emotionally . . . what it would feel like to believe in this way . . . to be empowered . . . to be moved by your own greatness . . . to have courage . . . to be invincible . . . to be in love with life . . . to feel unlimited” 
― Joe DispenzaYou Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter

This being said, here I am. I am alive.  I am well.  This is an experience.  I have much beautiful work and play left to do in this body, so here I am.  I am healthy. I am whole.  I am love. I am.

Monday, April 10, 2017

The Garden of Weeden

There is a bigger blog post in the works that will be sharing more of this adventure iI have been on, but for now here is a poem also explaining it in a nutshell. This poem was written by me today in Deepa's garden which is full of weeds, and I sat there correlating the weeds to my own (fear, anger, seizures, worry, stories, obstacles, hardships) and this is what came out!

The Garden of Weeden:

The new moon sets
And starts to grow.
The trees dance wild
As the sharp Santa Ana winds blow.

The plants they speak
a sacred song.
Connecting to earth
Where they belong.

The shadows they move
And around they play.
As the sunlight guides them 

to show the way.

The seeds lay covered
Within the darkness of earth
Surrendering to the rain 

to awaken to give them birth

The plant is born and 

shoots up to the sky.
Up to heaven
It wants to fly.

As the flowers come
And begin to grow.
Along comes the weeds
Telling them to slow.

As the plant surrenders
To all the weeds.
It feels stuck AGAIN
Like a baby seed.

Since the weeds remain, 

with the plants.
The flowers rise up and

 ask the weeds to dance.

From this dance, 

the plants can see
That heaven is on earth,
And comes from the seed.

So thanks to the weeds
For changing the play.
To allow the plants to
Find the way.

Heaven is also here 

on this earth.
Keep those roots grounded and 

remember their worth!

Love, Gabrielle

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Shaken To Awaken

Govinda Govinda Hari Hari...

"Father open the flood gates of heaven and let it rain!"

Before I get started I am taking this moment to PAUSE... to look out the window and to watch the rain...RAIN RAIN RAIN!!

Los Angeles and California have been in one of the biggest droughts of all time, and now for the past few weeks it keeps on raining, and raining, and raining.  My body, my spirit, my light, has been feeling down, cold, wet and dark just like the rain.  I feel scared, sad, and frustrated.  I feel bereft of joy.

I wish the massive clouds full of rain would stop! But here they are in full! And deep down the earth needs it, so perhaps deep down I need it. The rain is falling on the earth to force it to rest and to receive, and the earth is having no choice but to surrender and to take in the rain.

So here I am.  Even though it feels hard to breath, I breathe.  Air comes in and out of my mouth and lungs.  And although it feels scary to have my heart beating so quickly, it is beating. In this moment, I  reach towards my inner earth and feel the presence of the damp cold darkness, to have faith and to open to feeling its beauty but also its shadow.  It is hard to put my umbrella down and to feel the rain.  I liked my cheerful protective umbrella! It allowed me to enjoy the rain and be in it, but not be soaked in it.  Here I am, umbrella tossed away, laying on the earth soaked in my journey.

This past year, starting this summer has been one of my greatest challenges faced.  I have been experiencing seizures on and off throughout this entire journey.  But end of May, around the same time I was prepping for my graduate exam for acupuncture school, grand-mal full body shaking seizures seemed to succumb to my body.  They were coming on every 2-4 days and would start with an aura and then go into a full body shake, where I would tend to fall on the ground and bite my tongue, this would generally last in full 3-5 minutes, but then had about a 20 minute come down before I would feel normal again.

They seemed to slow down a bit into the end of summer and fall.  I started to study to take the grad exam again.  I passed the first portion of it in November, which I had to fight for, but rose above.  Throughout studying for the second have of exam which was this January, I began to start having very small seizures, called auras. I actually started calling them "nirvanas" to look at them in a different way.

I felt fear arise a bit more throughout these.  I have currently been feeling the mantra of surrender, but when the seizure takes of, I feel as though surrender get sucked away.  Or perhaps it is surrender that is forced upon me pushing me down and holding me on the ground. I have posted below a video of me having a seizure.  This is very vulnerable to share, but I wanted to do this to continue to surrender and to love every wave of my life and I know there are many out there going through similar as well as different life awakening challenging experiences and it feels good to come forward and share.

When a seizure begins, it feels like the sensation of taking a giant bong rip of weed, starting in my lower abdomen a rushing nervous sensation rushes up my belly and stabs into my chest, igniting rapid palpitations of fear and extending upwards a rush of blood to my head.  A sudden sense of familiar unprovoked fear and unexplained emotions flash unto me. 

 I then fall into a deja vu experience having a feeling of whats happening has already happened, a sensation of everything thats being said or witnessed I have already experienced multiple times.  

Sometimes I hear voices talking, that aren't the ones actually talking, as if I am in a lucid dream-like state and at any moment could awake. These sensations are then followed by extreme sleepiness, over-exhausted emotion, massive headaches, sometimes chills, as well as confusion. 

Ive been the the hospital twice in the past week.  The first time was on Monday, my friend Jarrett brought me.  I have been having seizures twice a day the past 3 days straight and then on Monday I had 4, the last one being with him and was a mini blackout, so we decided to head to ER to check out and see what was going on.  Five hours later the ER released me and told me to come back later in the week to meet with my neuro-oncologist.

Tuesday morning I met with my CBD doctor. I have decided to religiously get back on a plan with CBD and THCA oil to work towards stopping seizures as well as weening off of the vimpat medication, which I truly believe is part of what is causing a lot of my symptoms.

Wednesday morning I awoke, the entire right side of my body was numb and felt weird to move, my neck was in severe pain and the entire right side of my head felt a stabbing sensation, as well as my sinuses were stuffed.  My body felt like it wanted to have seizures and the brain seemed to be skipping beats, but a full seizure wouldn't come.  To the hospital we went.  My good friend Jim drove me there, waiting in the waiting room with me for two hours, finally I got in, Jim had to leave so there I was alone in my bed,  I emphasized to the ER staff it was time to do an MRI. So off to the MRI I went.

 I was terrified!! I wanted to know so badly what was going on, if the tumor would show growth of if the sinuses would show inflammation. I wanted answers! I was also scared to get them, and the whole time I felt like I was on a psychedelic bad trip that I couldn't come down from.  My friend Lisa showed up just in time, as I was laying in my bed waiting for the results of the MRI.  Lisa began to perform an energetic reiki session on my body as we waited.  It couldn't have been at a better time, my body began to calm down.  Shortly after the nurse ran over and shared with us that she had seen the MRI scan and the notes of the reading state that THERE HAS BEEN NO CHANGE IN THE TUMOR since the previous MRI. Nothing.  I burst into tears.  Scream like sobbing jolted out of my chest.  I didn't know what I was feeling, just a wave of emotion was swooping over me.

A half hour later the doctor came over and confirmed what the nurse had said, that there was no change at all on the MRI, and also no showing of any sinus infection either. He then released me and scheduled me to meet with the euro-oncologist as planned on Friday.  There definitely was a HUGE weight lifted of my chest, a certain fear that felt released and given space to rest.  I assumed that on Friday I would be told to take higher dosage of my anti-seizure med, and possibly recommended some sort of chemotherapy again.  My assumption was wrong.

The doctor seemed a bit unsure himself, and I found it beautiful that he admitted that to me,  he told me not to increase the dose of medication and in fact that we should do an EEG scan next week to monitor where these seizures are coming from and what is going on, and that there is always the possibility of the medication playing a slight role, as well as stress, anxiety and other such developments.

I intend to go in and do the EEG scan in the next couple weeks, but I also intend to get this trip to India up and running.  We are currently narrowing our options between two hospitals at the moment, to fully see which one will be the best fit.  Thank you to the help of my friends my fundraiser is bringing in more funding, I only need to raise a few thousand more and I should be on my way!  I am in the works of getting my visa rushed to me.  I have also restarted on the ketogenic diet plan to see what unfolds.  Right now I am exhausted, I am tired, and I am grateful.

This morning I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes and a smile on my face. The grass outside was greener than green. Tears of gratitude flooded into my heart.  I had a seizure yesterday and another one today.  I have truly felt the fear of death sitting on my heart the past few days.  This body I live in is so temporary, and the people and energy I surround myself with are of utmost importance.  This experience has been providing me with an even deeper awakening of what is of utmost importance in this life, which people in my life matter the most, which vibrations help guide me to unravel the human who I truly came here to be and how to appreciate every moment of this body and this lifetime. I am currently staying at my friend Marnie's house.  She is looking after me.

My body feels exhausted and tired, a similar feeling to how I felt when I came have after the surgery.  I am forcing myself to stay put, to rest and to be watched after.  At this moment is hard,  I am vulnerable, and it brings up a lot of emotion in me.  Today I am feeling better than yesterday, and for that I am grateful. Ah Ho.

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