After running the MRI for the third time since the seizures frequented last June, showing no change of the tumor at all, undergoing an EEG scan, as well as observing all my symptoms over the past couple months, we have confirmed that most of what is going on is coming from the toxicity that has build up in my system over the past couple years from the anti-seizure medication I have been taking. I have been experiencing noted side effects that have come in waves over the past couple years since I started this medication; the most intense one being that of disorientation and not quite feeling in my body. Its hard to describe the feeling. It feels like being a bit "stoned" and in a mild dream state. I feel in a deja vu familiar state of mind, but also removed from what is in any way normal or safe. I feel in a state of terror with a churning sensation in my abdomen which rushes up to my chest.
Other things I have been experiencing as a result of this medication over the years include: shortness of breath, itchy skin, mood swings, dizziness, short term memory loss, sinus infections, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, anxiety, panic attacks, over-emotion and many others. I would say since I started taking it, I have experienced about 75% or more of the notated symptoms, and possibly even some non notated symptoms, as Vimpat is still a newer medication which has only been out since 2009.
What I have been journeying through the past few months has been aura and seizure like activity which has been occurring every 1-3 days. I have moved back to Virginia for a while to be able to get things on track and in order and to put my health number one in my life during this medication ween off, as well as to spend time with my family, re-root in the clean fresh mountain air, and study for my National Exams. We are working with a specialist, James Harper, and his THE ROAD BACK ween off program, which I started on in January. The program, related to the medication I have been using, is about 10-12 months. The reason it takes this long is, the brain has built up addictive qualities and me weening off too quickly could cause even more seizures than I am already experiencing, including grand-mals as well as intensified other activity in the body. As badly as I want to be off of it now, its something that I am learning needs time and patience. This medication which is suppose to be an anti-seizure medication has over the years caused me to feel disoriented and in a different dimension. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been experiencing many aura like experiences which I am conscious for. They generally are only about 30 second - 1 minute experiences, but feel much longer. Its a feeling of being stuck in a nightmare and not knowing how to wake up, and then I wake up, and here I am still alive in this body.
Some of the seizures have just been auras and not so much seizures, but over the past few months every 3-4 days the auras have escalated into a short 30 second black out which is known as a "partial" seizure, which I showed a video of in my previous post. I am still experiencing them on occasion, although they seem to have lessened a bit. The Chinese herbs, diet, vitamins, CBD, and lifestyle I am living are helping these symptoms lesson, but I am also having to learn the beauty of faith and of patience and of just sitting with the fear instead of fighting it!
I keep thinking I have worked through the regret of getting the biopsy but the thoughts keep arising in my mind of wishing I had never had my head ripped open and that none of this would be happening had I not done that. But here I am and I did it, and I am here in this moment right now, alive and having these experiences. Thats all they are is experiences! The brain likes to put so much meaning and story behind each experience. I am sick of telling this story about this tumor thing and blah blah blah!! I am ready for a new story! I am currently reading a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza called "You Are The Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter." He speaks about his own personal amazing health journey and the possibility of healing without drugs or surgery. I am right now changing my story and releasing my past story, and although Vimpat has felt like poison, and the biopsy has felt like destruction I am letting go of those stories right now!
“Your thoughts and feelings come from your past memories. If you think and feel a certain way, you begin to create an attitude. An attitude is a cycle of short-term thoughts and feelings experienced over and over again. Attitudes are shortened states of being. If you string a series of attitudes together, you create a belief. Beliefs are more elongated states of being and tend to become subconscious. When you add beliefs together, you create a perception. Your perceptions have everything to do with the choices you make, the behaviors you exhibit, the relationships you chose, and the realities you create.”
In this moment what I am experiencing is being born. A homeless man approached me earlier this year asking me how old I was, when I told him I was 33 he looked at me and stepped back and smiled and said, "This is the year of your resurrection and rebirth! It may not be an easy year but it will be a beautiful one, have faith and hang in there!" I will never forget those words. Each time I wake up I appreciate what I have and do not take anything for granted. I am allowing my body to release what is no longer needed, and to strengthen and heal what is needed. When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman, filled with much strength and compassion, as well as faith and patience! This is a beautiful life adventure I am on and there is so much beauty still waiting to be unfolded. I have realized the power of drugs on the system and the power of interfering with the body and how much that can take a toll on the human body. I have also realized how much the mind and the ego and the "stories" take a toll on the body as well. I have become aware of how strong the human body is in recovering from those aspects, so long as I don't keep doing them and am now giving the body the nutrients, the love, the patience and THE FAITH needed for its full recovery!
The fact that this experience has not done one thing that the first doctors claimed it would do, is proof of how ultimately we are our own doctors!! And just because we are told one thing does NOT mean it is the truth or it is real. Our OWN bodies and our OWN beliefs are what create us. Like Joe Dispenza says:
“And can you teach your body emotionally . . . what it would feel like to believe in this way . . . to be empowered . . . to be moved by your own greatness . . . to have courage . . . to be invincible . . . to be in love with life . . . to feel unlimited”
― Joe Dispenza,