Love Surrounds Us

G'day mates! If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post My Journey: The Beginning and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.

A few days ago I took a one night trip up to Ojai to visit the river and campout for the night and head to the beach in Ventura and surf in the morning.  The night we set up our campsite was the same day that our clocks were set ahead one hour.  As the moon rose we could feel the magical energy of the universe in the air.  The moon seemed like a bright light shining down upon us and the clouds were like large vertebra streaked across the sky.

The next morning I woke up to a conference of birds.  They had so much to say that Monday morning, as the sun rose over the mountain.  There were so many different kinds of birds chirping the sunlight into the day.  This one night campout was a mini trip with a new friend.  I enjoy having a new friend in my life that helps cultivates the lessons in life I am learning about myself, relationships, friendships, the universe, and our lives.  There have been times that I would get nervous to bring new people into my life in a fully trusting way.  But one aspect of building a new friendship I am learning to look into is that as long as I am continuing to embrace and love myself as well as not neglecting my time alone, and sustaining to seek out my journey of education, life and healing; that it is wonderful to include others in our lives and sustain old friendships and create new ones, as long as we also include a deep relationship with ourself inside and out.  We must also recognize that similar to the challenges that arise within us in our relationship with ourself, there was also challenges that arise in our friendships, and as long as they unfold into a deeper and stronger positive growth we are on a beautiful path.

After the birds woke me up in the morning, I decided to go for a walk, following  the stream.  As I walked, I saw stone after stone after stone that was in the shape of a heart. I was amazed and enthralled. It instilled into me that nature is a true healer and a master of sending us life changing messages, if we can open our eyes, ears, heart and soul to whats directly around us. We tend to overlook what lies right in front of us, by always seeking and searching out whats ahead and in the future.  Seeing heart shaped stones everywhere, was a reminder to me that love is everywhere surrounding us and to embrace being in the moment and feel that the love within and around us is the true beauty in life.  We must not spend our whole life wishing the moment away, seeking out love and happiness from others, or from a different house, or a different job, or a significant other etc...We must appreciate and be grateful for the love we have for ourselves, the beauty and love that nature gives to us and standing in the moment.  Life is beautiful.

On the way back from my walk, I saw a pine tree that was cut.  I started to count the rings of the tree. The tree was about the same age as my father, which caused me to remember that it was my father that taught me about counting the age of trees and about survival in nature, as well as cherishing what nature offers to us.

Its amazing how we may not always think about what was instilled upon us in our youth and how powerful our childhood is in the way we are effected as we grow older.  We may learn from it that we must seek out a different light than the one that was shown upon us as children, and/or we may also learn to brighten the light that has been with us all along.  My father truly has shown the light of the guidance of nature being our true healer and true teacher upon me.

"Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Spinning Vortex of Energy

      Happy Year of the Horse! It's been a while since my last post and I have been looking forward to sharing the shifting and unfolding of my journey.  If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post My Journey: The Beginning and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.

"Eventually, it is the painful events that stir some of us to become self-reflective. We must look at pain in its positive light as a selection of reality that can aid our self-cultivation." (Michael A. Allen - Tao of Surfing)

This being said, the past month has been one of the most painful, most challenging parts of my journey so far. I never would have predicted this outcome, which is part of why I have been working on one of my daily mantras of having no attachments and no expectations, and continuing to embrace each moment in each day. Also I have been working on relating with what Allen says about surrendering to our pain and embracing it in a positive light. It is when we fight against being in pain that we spiral even further downwards; and it is when we surrender to pain that we can truly look inwards and see the light.

          On Thursday January 30th I had my first neurology check-up appointment since I left the hospital, which I know I didn't necessarily NEED to do, but something in my body told me to go ahead and go. The purpose for going I can see and feel now was a life lesson in human interaction. That day I felt as though I accidentally shared too much information with the head neurology doctor who came into my check up office. I had never met him before until then. I felt in the moment angry as though he pushed and shoved anger onto me for several reasons including the fact I had decided not to start radiation and also felt as though he criticized my dieting and herbal approach, as well as put down much of the western advice that was given to me by the neurosurgeons and the medical team that had been with me throughout my hospital stay.  I also felt as though I had made the mistake of sharing more information with him than was necessary, but it had already been done and I could not take it back.

          As soon as I got back from an alarming day I wrote an email to Dr. Mao Shing Ni (my main practitioner) asking his advice on clearing negative energy. In the beginning of my email I wrote "I was in tears and in fear and emotional and angry from the hospital. It's been six hours now, since I left and my body still feels numb and my eyes and lungs and heart and I'm sure other organs hurt from crying and upset."  Dr. Mao's response was healing and at ease and the words that he wrote have stuck with me and been an important lesson are,

"Certainly I believe that at the end of the day all your caregivers east or west have the best intentions for you.  You might focus on taking the best from each of your healers...Whatever you do work on staying calm and not angry. Work on forgiveness and gratefulness."  

Dr. Mao Shing Ni

Thanks to Dr. Mao I have learned from this that it is good not to be resentful towards Western doctors (or towards anyone for that matter), and just to know...they are coming from a mindset which they have practiced their whole life and although it may not be exactly the same mindset as the path I am currently on in my own healing, that it is more peaceful and at ease for me to feel gratitude and delight from their overall support, because they ARE trying to help me in the way they know best! Dr. Mao has been a part of my life since before I became a student at Yo San University, which is the school that was created by his brother Dr. Dao Shing Ni and himself. Dao and Mao have taken over the Tao of Wellness clinic, which was created by their father Master Hua Ching Ni in 1976. Master Hua Ching Ni is the heir to the wisdom transmitted through an unbroken succession of 74 generations of masters dating back to the Han dynasty (206 BCE - 220 CE).  While I was in the hospital I had a memory of  their father being at our family's home in Virginia when I was a child. My father practices Chinese Medicine and Tuina massage, so I wondered if in fact this memory actually happened.  I asked my father and he responded that yes Master Hua Ching Ni did visit at our home when I was nine years old.  He came to Charlottesville, Virginia to do a conference and asked my father (who was a student of his) to sponsor him.  Before the guests arrived at the teatime/scheduled meeting at our house I came up to my dad and complained about being hungry.  My father told me that Master Hua Ching Ni looked at me and smiled and said told me to go eat.  My fathers life message from this simple interaction was to not let your children need endless favors and to run your life and that at nine years old I was capable of creating and helping myself to what my body needed. The same message seems to linger with me now; the importance of listening to our own bodies and healing ourselves and seeking out the information we need and letting go of the advice and energy we don't need.  I also feel that Master Hua Ching Ni did more than just tell me to eat.  There is a beautiful reason that I have ended up without even knowing studying acupuncture at the school created by his two sons and that Dr. Mao has been helping me on my journey of healing and learning about my body.  This journey of looking inward and opening up to what my own body is presenting to me is strengthening me and creating in me the courage and strength to be able to give back to others and create a ripple so we can all connect to ourselves and to others and heal.

           The next challenge in my journey arose during my final ween off the medication I was prescribed at the hospital. I started my ween off before Christmas and planned to do it slowly over a process of two months as to have the least amount of side effects as possible. The first day of zero medication was on February 5th, 2014, the day after my father arrived for a week long visit. Within forty eight hours of being on zero medication, a series of events began to occur which I truly believe were a combination of detoxing the medication fully out of my system, my brain registering what it has been through on its own in the past few months with no sedative, a small sinus infection, and most importantly the universe sending me a beautiful lesson on the importance of the life we live and how we chose to live it. On that day I received an acupuncture treatment which made me feel like I was in hypnosis, having an outer body experience.  After the treatment I thought to myself:  Is life a dream? Are we all just bits of energy?!  My brain felt like it was vibrating and pulsating.  I felt afraid but wanted to feel confident and at peace and that what I was feeling was the tumor releasing itself from my brain and body.  I felt tingling intense vibrations coming from inside of my skull, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life.  That days experience felt unreal, and as the days continued I felt as though I didn't even know what was real anymore.  The dictionary says that real is what genuinely exists and unreal is what genuinely does not exist; but how do we know what exists and what does not exist and does that even matter? What I did feel and what did matter was I was alive, I was breathing in and out, I was grateful for the sun rising and the beauty around me.

 I am very grateful that we planned to have the ween off end exactly when my father was visiting.  I felt more safe having him there as I was going through the feelings of intense physical vibration as well as feeling as though my soul was detached from my body. February 7th and 8th were the two most challenging and difficult days during which felt like I was having a sensation of going through a very very bad trip on hard drugs. The full time period lasted about nine days.  I felt and saw death right in from of my eyes, not in the same way as I experienced seeing a tunnel of light right before waking up from a biopsy, but in a fearful way of detachment. I saw my father and felt my mother and my grandmother and my entire family in front of me and knew that one day we would all die on this earth in this life and I felt confused, afraid and disturbed.  I looked at my father as tears streamed down my face and asked, "Why are we born and alive if we are just going to die?" My father looked me in the eyes and said to me "we are born to give." Father, thank you for being in my life. You haven given to me for the past 30 years and for this I am grateful! Having him here by my side during the toughest part of my journey so far was an incredible gift.

          The day before my father left we celebrated Chinese New Years at my school.  I kept the performance a secret from my father as well as Dr. Mao and everyone else. About a month prior to this I woke up one morning with the message in my mind to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" as a way to thank Dr. Mao and Dao, everyone at my school, and my father, as well as to overcome and smile at fear by singing in front of everyone. The song was given to me by something else in the universe, because I do not remember taking the time out to think of what to sing. It just appeared to me, and the words in this song were amazing and spot on to the journey of life. Below is the video of our Practice right before the performance. I will post a video of the performance as soon as its available.  Myself and a fellow student and friend Alec Bridges sang and performed beautifully.  It still feels like it was a dream. Dreams really do come true!!

This experience helped me unfold even further the words of Ed Sullivan (my teacher and qi-gong healer), "breathe in courage, exhale fear...breathe in courage, exhale fear."  It was on this that I was able to release fighting and fear from the symptoms and sensations I was feeling, and although I continued to feel pulsations I started to embrace and learn from them, creating beautiful growth in my atmosphere.  Its amazing how in each blog post I have gone through a chapter of feeling as though I am being reborn and it makes me know that this could be a life long process and that there are always challenges ahead, but the more we can surrender to them, feel them and embrace them, the greater the unfold of our rebirth out of them may be.

On February 12th, 2014 I woke up in tears as my rebirth continued and I was feeling a connection to being in a SPINNING VORTEX OF ENERGY which I believe comes from my surrender and acceptance of death and the fear of death.  I felt as though I had spent the past thirty years as a caterpillar, the past four months in a cocoon and the past seven days breaking out of a cocoon, and now slowly slowly transforming into the woman I am. That day I spent two hours on the rooftop in the sunshine soaking the sun into my mind, body and soul. I was on the phone with my mother appreciating her entirely into my life.  Suddenly we got cut off, I tried to call her back and it went straight to her voice-mail.  She then called me back and explained that when we got cut suddenly for no reason and out of nowhere (that we no of that is) came on loud and clear the Cinderella song with words something like this:

A dream is a wish your heart makes, 

when you're fast asleep.

In dreams you will lose your heartaches, 

whatever you wish for you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday, 

your rainbow will come smiling through.

No matter how your heart is grieving,

 if you keep on believing, 

the dream that you wish will come true.

I felt a flying and fluttering sensation so, I went and got a massage and a body-scrub, it was amazing! I still felt like I was on drugs but without the negative side effects, my body felt in sync with the universal vibrations and spinning Energy.  My friend Zach Rosenberg came and picked me up from my massage and we decided to go to the beach. The ocean and sunset were calling. We pulled up near the ocean and what do you know but we found a free parking spot right there next to the water. WOW!! In Venice Beach I have never seen this, ever!

The sunset was incredible and the water of the ocean felt warmer than it had been in a long time.  Two days prior to this the ocean was cold and rough, and so was my body and brain, and the day after the air was so foggy just like my life, brain, body and mind. And on this day on the 12th of February the sun was shining, the air was warm and nature was beautiful and so was the warm current in the ocean which triggered the fog. In that moment my life, body, soul, heart and mind felt warmth.  Its amazing how connected we are to the energy of nature and the universe and it seems that when we fight against it we feel the most anguish and spiral out of its energy and off course. There will always be challenging, frightening, angering, saddening, worrying and tough situations that are presented, but learning how to surrender to them and embrace feeling angry or afraid and letting the elemental feelings flow over and through us like the ocean or a river flows is the best path to connect and grow from them and be one with the universe.

          After feeling the oceans energy we decided it was time to eat some food. We walked to a restaurant nearby. As we were walking towards the doorway right next door to the place we were going to eat at was a man locking up a door, who turned and looked me straight in the eyes, twinkling at me and said, "I felt you're energy before you even approached, it is awesome. How would you like to come upstairs with your friend and take a look at all of the vintage clothing? I will sell you whatever you want for $5" Zach and I smiled at each other and up the stairs we followed this man.  Sure enough the clothes upstairs in a room the size of a giant dressing room were silky, very old, and amazingly heavenly. While playing around up there, Zach went to go check on the car. While he was gone the man, Jeffrey, noticed my scar and asked to hear my story. He looked at me and smiled as if I had known him forever and told me that his older sister used to have a brain tumor also and now instead in the place of the brain tumor she has a baby growing in her belly. I feel it is no coincidence that I landed up in his shop which may or may not have been real.  I feel as though he may be an angel that was sent to me from heaven.  When Zach came back before we left to go to dinner Jeffrey took us up on the rooftop where we could see the stars and moon above.  Before going into dinner I called my mother back to share with her the continued happenings of the day and her response to me was:

 "When you open up to the energy, the natural amazing energies come to you. You become a vortex of spinning energy. You start to manifest more and more good energy."

          After dinner as we headed out, I grabbed a plastic fork for our leftover food.  I felt as though I wanted to pay it forward. As we were crossing the street, an amazing black skinned man with many of his teeth missing but with an incredible giant smile on his face, looked me in the eyes with a twinkle and spoke to my soul.  To me, he felt like the second angel in my life that day.  While he glanced into my eyes he held his hand up in the air and gave a peace symbol with his fingers.  Most homeless people that I have met usually bed me for money or for food; this man did not beg for anything but instead gave to me happiness and peace.  I looked at him and said, "do you want this food?"  He smiled and laughed back at me and said, "yes yes, thank you thank you, god blesses you!!" And right there in the middle of the street in Venice I felt as though I was face to face with an angel who was sending me a blessing of my life from god.  I look back on this experience as a reminder that all people in this world no matter where they come from, where we live, what we do, are all connected and all in this world together.

          The next few days continued to be amazing.  On Valentines Day, I fell in love with myself and with nature.  This was the first day I decided to go surfing and be in the water since my injury.  After a beautiful little surfing session I went on a walk down down the beach next to the water.  On my walk I saw sand dollar after sand dollar at my toes, presenting to me from the universe that wealth is with us in many forms.  That day created for me even more love for myself, love for the people in my life, love for being alive (even if we are only in this lifetime for a short while), love for the ocean, love for the healing energy of the sun shining on me, love for the moon rising and the stars shining, love for the earth beneath my feet, love for the air I breathe, love for the world, love for the universe, and love for LOVE.

          On February 18th, I went to the hospital again, this time for my first follow-up MRI since I was a patient at the hospital.  Before taking the MRI, they require the patient to get a blood test done so that it is considered safe to be within the MRI machine for an hour and have the fluid injected into your body that they use to show contrast in some of the photos on the MRI results.  When the filipino woman (with a sticker of a horse representing The Year of The Horse on her medical coat), at the blood testing center drew my blood, I felt her presence and twinkle as angel number three.  While drawing my blood, she looked into my eyes and said, "You are still meant o be on this earth.  You are here for a purpose, you are not yet done. Your purpose has not yet been fulfilled, and you are going to heal yourself!"  Thank you to my guardian angel of a woman who I met in the midst of an insanely intense hospital environment.  She made me understand how possible it is to find calm in the midst of a storm.  The beauty of feeling in a vortex of spinning energy is amazing, and for this connectedness, I am so grateful!

"Strength lies in working with nature rather than attempting to overcome it." (Michael A. Allen)

Links:

http://www.taoofsurfing.com/

http://www.taoofwellness.com/

http://www.yosan.edu/

Thank You:

Mary (McHale) Parr - You gave me a tiny little book smaller than the size of my hand while I was in the hospital and told me to write down my thoughts and feelings as they came into my mind.  The book filled up within a couple days and that is where my idea to begin this blog unfolded.  You have been with me every step of the way and have checked in on me consistently throughout my journey, not just in the beginning but the entire time. You are a TRUE friend.  You are always in my mind and in my heart. I love you.

New Life, New Light

            Happy New Years!! My traveling to Virginia for three weeks to spend  Christmas and New Years with my family was fantastic and flew by quickly; and as I think about my past, I feel like my life has flown by even more swiftly. It's amazing how time passes by.  Today I feel physically astounding and my broken shoulder feels almost back into action the way it was before it was broken. My hair has been growing rapidly and my brain feels alive and magnificent.  Yesterday I had a little session with Ed Sullivan (an amazing qi-gong healer who is also a teacher at my school).  The session consisted of me being a baby laying down in my crib, feeling a new light as if I was just born into the world.  This left me with wonderful shivers as I remembered also the tunnel of light I experienced during the biopsy and how it was similar.  This journey I am on feels like a rebirth out of my mothers womb into the world, creating for me new life, new light and a new beginning. Below is a photo which reminds me of where I came from; my mothers body, belly and womb.  Thank you mother for eating healthfully, practicing yoga and exposing me in your belly to the natural world of sunshine and ocean energy.  I love you; always have and always will. 

            I arrived in Virginia on December 17th, 2013 and two days later I headed to Yogaville, to start my trip off there.  Yogaville is an ashram started and founded by Sri Swami Satchidananda in Virginia in around 1980. The day before my scooter accident I was cleaning my bedroom and suddenly out of my closet fell a book, written by Swami Satchidananda and illustrated by Uma Schreiber (a close family friend and Yogaville woman) called "Enlightening Tales." I opened the book and inside the cover was a note from Swami Satchidananda, reading "Beloved Gabriella, Love and blessings.  Satchidananda."  The amazing part of finding this book is I do not remember ever receiving it or where it came from.

I called my mom to ask her and she said Swami signed it and Uma (a family friend and Yogaville woman) gave it to me when I was a teenager. I got the chills and felt wonderful especially because Swami Satchidananda's physical body is no longer here but I could feel him in spirit.  I put the book next to my bed that afternoon to start reading one of the fairy tales each night before falling asleep.  The very next day SLAM BAM!! I got into my scooter accident and as I mentioned in my earlier posts was rushed to the ER.  I feel gratitude towards Swami Satchidananda for coming with me in spirit in the ambulance to the hospital. What made his presence even more relevant for me was almost one month later, right before heading into the biopsy hallway as I parted ways with my mother and our friend Deepa (who is also a Yogaville woman), Deepa put her hands on the temple of my head and said a prayer. As my eyes were closed I felt Swami's energy, courage and voice being channeled through Deepa's hands and into my soul and body.

           I know I grew up running around Yogaville as a child and resisting it as a teenager and then in my early adulthood right before I headed to college Swami Satchidananda passed away and I know he has always been with me but now at age 30 my body and soul feel his presence more than ever.  Several days before heading back to Virginia for my holiday break, I called my father and asked him if I could go to Yogaville alone for a few days.  He sounded amazed astonished and enthralled that I would finally want such a thing, and he helped me make it happen.  My mother dropped me off and before she left, together we went to the Lotus Shrine for meditation.  When she left I felt all alone and angry and suddenly didn't understand why I wanted to be there all by myself. I felt so lost and afraid. I thought, "Was I the one that decided to come here?? Because I do not remember picking this idea?" This was the first time since any of this had happened that I felt completely alone in a cottage in the woods. The next morning I awoke uplifted and refreshed and excited for the day.  I walked to Shivananda Hall for a meal and sat at the table with two Swamis who looked very familiar.  The woman Swami Vidyananda asked me my name and as soon as I said Gabrielle Olko she responded letting me know she knew my mother and father, Lisa and Paul Olko.  I was amazed.  I told her I was the oldest child in the family and asked her what her first memory of me was.  She responded something along the lines of, "when you were in your mothers belly."  I later asked my mom about her going there when she was pregnant with me and she told me she was at Yogaville for ten days without my dad but with me in her belly.  I asked her if Swamaji saw her belly and she said yes he did and that he placed his hands on her belly and said a hello and a prayer.  Amazing how things that happen while being a fetus can stick  subconsciously throughout a lifetime.

          After my birth I was brought there and given my sanskrit middle name by Swami Satchidananda.  This picture was taken right after me being given the middle name of Sundhari (meaning: beautiful one).  Now at age thirty I feel like I am going through a second rebirth.  The three days at Yogaville were an amazing way to start my holiday.  Today I started reading Enlightening Tales for the first time.  I did have the book with me in the hospital the entire time by my side as if it was Swami sitting next to me and now I have started reading his words from the stories. In his introduction part one of the sentences reads, "Forget everything that you have learned.  Become like a child again, and you will experience God right now." It has been thirty years of my life, but I believe Swami brought me to Yogaville now as an adult to discover a rebirth and rediscovery of myself and my life. Gratitude. Also no coincidence it happened to be the weekend of his 100th year!  My father came the last night of my three days there and it was beautiful to bond with him and it felt like I was being welcomed into the world again by my father in a new light. 

Stanley Paul Olko (Daddy darlin!!) I will love you always and forever like you have always loved me since before I was born and when you first welcomed me into the world.
          
           The rest of my trip was wonderful and passed by rapidly, I was able to reconnect with many of of my old friends which was amazing.  I have had so many wonderful people come into my life throughout the past thirty years, who I am still connected to now.  My grandmother came down from New Jersey and shared with me amazing family stories from a generation or more before I was born.  Its amazing how her mother (my great grandmother) Angelina, came with only her first born daughter from Italy to the United States on a boat to meet my great grandfather.  Its incredible how one woman who births five daughters can create so many people that are here alive today. It represents for me the massive connectedness of everyone on earth.

Great grandma (Angelina), my mom, me & my grandma (Santina)

 I feel even closer with my mother and father than I can ever remember feeling before, in a whole new sense.  While in Virginia,  I am grateful that I got to spend time with the family that has been with us for as long as I can remember, The McConkeys (Micheal, Jeannie, Gabe, Ian and Juliette)!!  Ian (the middle son) and Jeannie (the mama) sent me a beautiful care package (from their whole family) while I was in and out of the hospital.  The card was a photo taken by Ian and his words written inside were part of what gave me hope and inspiration throughout my hospital stay.

Ian McConkey

          Ian is the middle son who I got to hold in my arms, kiss each others skin, touch our heads together, and be close with in a new way a couple days before I came back to California.  Five years ago Ian was diagnosed with a tumor in his brain as well.  It has been an up and down, twist around, up to the sky and down to the ground journey that has been an inspiration to me as well as others.  I feel bonded to him physically and spiritually in a way beyond what I could've ever imagined and it gives my soul an awakening of the beauty of what DIS*EASE in our lives can bring us and how much EASE was felt when enthused and moved by Ian's journey. I believe everything happens for a reason and everyone on earth goes through suffering and challenges.  Challenges are what brings us the brightest light if we can embrace them and accept the journey and know that we are all one.
           I am thinking that perhaps there will be more to come about my beautiful visit to Virginia in the future of this blog, as every moment is connected to other moments and to other connections. Connected connected connected. And, again may this new year bring you all happiness, beauty and love so bright to fill your hearts and body with health, joy and a new light.  I feel so much gratitude towards all of you for reading about my journey as well as continuously reaching out to me and sending me healing support and love especially over the past few months.  Om Shanti.

Photograph taken by Ian displayed on the cover of the card he sent me.

Ian's beautiful words that sent me hope and courage.  I love you Ian!!

"even the tiniest little thing can teach you a big lesson" - Swami Satchidananda

   
    Yogaville's Website

Emotions are Amazing

          Yesterday I rode 3 airplanes, which lasted all day long, and today has been my first day back in Virginia, where I grew up. I will be staying here for three weeks to spend time with my close family and friends for the holidays!!  I have been wanting to write another blog post for the past couple weeks but I have been busy healing, shedding light on my path, as well as preparing for this trip. I haven't been back here to Virginia for about a year and a half now. WOW! I feel so happy and blessed to be able to connect with everyone I grew up with.

          Yesterday on the plane I read an article by a man named Alexander Dekker, a man who went through a similar experience I am on about twenty five years ago.  A paragraph in his article that gave me chills and opened my heart, read, "Our society doesn't encourage us to show our emotions; it's often seen as a sign of weakness. But laughing crying and sharing emotions with others can be an amazingly healing experience." A little further along he wrote, "Research has revealed that unprocessed emotions are stored in the limbic part of the brain..." WOW. His entire article is amazingly connected with the similar approach that is emphasized by eastern medicine and acupuncture and also has influenced me on remembering some of the emotional experiences that I underwent in the beginning of my hospital adventure.

          I remember when I was first admitted into the hospital, I had a couple days in a row where I felt strong, happy and positive, but a couple days later I suddenly felt angry, attacked, alone, and frustrated which then led to me feeling annoyed and guilty with myself for the new negative emotions which were ruining my positive ones which led to me feeling lost and confused and like I was heading down the wrong path without any control of how to get on the "right" one.  Something I have been NOW connecting with and learning which is related to Dekker's words, and also was presented to me by my acupuncturist/healer/life coach, Dr. Mao Shing Ni, is:

 "it's okay and a positive journey to have a flow of different emotions, including strength and happiness followed by weakness and sadness as well as other emotions. When we are going through tough experiences the flow of emotions is healing if it is like a river."

 As long as we don't get stuck or stagnated in a certain one (like creating a dam in a flowing river) for so long that it begins to take over and manifest physically in an unhealthy way.  Experiencing and allowing our emotions to arise and flow out is a very beneficial part of healing and growing in our journey. I have had amazing, joyous, and happy days, as well as days or moments where I have sobbed and let my tears flow.  There have been a couple experiences where I was yelling and screaming which lead to me immediately taking a long restful nap. So, it has been a healing and touching experience for me to embrace and allow whatever emotions I am feeling to come to the surface and allow my body and soul to flow and move forward positively on my quest.

           My release from the biopsy hospital adventure was exactly a month ago on November 18th.  It's amazing at how fast time seems to be flying and flowing.  On November 27th, two days after meeting with the radiologist doctor, I had my appointment to take the 43 metal screw/staples out of my head by the physicians assistant who has been helping with my case. Mmmm mmmm mmm; it was painful but within an hour, the intense headaches that I had had for the past two weeks since the biopsy suddenly disappeared. It was amazing! I was immediately able to start rubbing herbal liniment oil on my scar as well as have teachers put acupuncture needles right in and near the area, AND I could FINALLY take a shower!!! Not taking a shower in two weeks was hard. I am so grateful that my mother helped me wash my head in the sink twice a week and I was able to take baths, but finally being able to shower on my own was beautiful. I was so grateful and happy. I suddenly realized the stunning amazement of something I took for granted each day, and I am soooo grateful for having a shower in my life to clean my body.  There are many on earth that do not. The day before the staples were taken out, a woman named Tracy Gibson-Simmer gave me an astounding haircut, which was a new look for a new me. I have never in my life besides when I was born, had hair this short. She styled it so my hair swooped over the almost naked side of my head and you couldn't even visually see that I still had 43 staples in my head.  Below is a picture taken on the day of her cut, hair covering the bald side of my head filled with staples. Thank you Tracy!!!

On December 3rd I had my other oncology appointment with a doctor from the hospital. My previous appointment that I wrote about in my other post was a radiology appointment with a doctor whose office was in another location, not part of the hospital. When I met with the radiologist on November 25th, he had not been sent any results of the biopsy yet but he was a younger man who I appreciated and seemed to be on my page and not extremely pushy no matter what direction I decided to take down the road.  The oncologist on the 3rd who I met with had NOT looked over ANY of my medical results before I arrived, so I waited for a decent amount of time while he took his time to retrieve them on his computer and quickly read over them and then began to talk to me about what he was reading which seemed to me to be somewhat vague since he hadn't  had the time to look them over and be able to know and explain to me what he was reading at all. His vagueness influenced me even more to begin researching and finding out about the results on my own.  I have found through some personal research what they mean, but mostly I have spent my time relaxing, breathing, seeking inward and meditating which has helped me find out about types of healing as well as my life journey.

          The Western biopsy of my brain has been diagnosed by the western team as an oligodendroglioma on the left side of my brain attached to the temporal and frontal lobes. From what I have researched this type of brain tumor is more rare than others and mainly is diagnosed in people that are in their 50s or 60s. I found this to be very interesting and also caused me to realize how gifted I am to have the universe be presenting me with this opportunity and opening the door to help me on my life path of healing and acupuncture.  Legally the oncologist suggested that I didn't need to do any chemotherapy but that I should start on radiation right away! I told him that I would not be undergoing any radiation at this time and thanked him for his input and advice and that I would undergo an MRI in the near future and we can continue to keep an eye on my path.  I was so clear with him about my decision that to my surprise, he mainly just listened and then set up another MRI with me which will be near the end of February.

           I have chosen to and have already started on the path of acupuncture and eastern medicine to heal my body.  I am embracing the healing journey that my life path has chosen in this moment.  I am however grateful for the kindness and beauty of my hospital stay and the success of my biopsy.  After undergoing everything I have undergone,  I was truly taken care of and here I am, alive!  I have had no symptoms relating to the tumor and eastern medicine does not have side effects like radiation does, which one of the biggest includes short term memory loss. I have been an acupuncture student at Yo San University for the past 3+ years; part of what I have discovered since the biopsy is what I am undergoing has been gifted to me to open my eyes and heart to the path I have chosen as a healer and to first begin by learning how to heal myself.  Never in this lifetime, until recently, have I had acupuncture and qi-gong treatments 5-7 days a week.  The immensity of acupuncture that I have been receiving has been revealing to me a whole new outlook of acupuncture and chinese medicine.  I am starting to learn, like Dekker explains, that a healthy life is achieved by physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance.  It is important to be aware and uphold maintaining those aspects in a healthy way in our lives.  For the first time ever, I feel as though my brain has been brought to life in a new and amazing direction.  My eyes and heart feel fully open to beauty and gratitude.  I am alive!  I feel alert, awake and guided in my life direction.  I feel gifted and grateful for the healers that have been helping me on my path.  The foods, drinks and substances I have been putting into my system has changed, as well as my lifestyle.

          My left shoulder which was broken and then had to be reset about a month ago by my qi gong master Dr. Zhou, is healing twice as fast as predicted.  I could barely move my arm, could not lift it, or reach it out, or pull it in.  It has only been one month and I can now reach my arm up towards the sun, moon and stars.  All of the healers, acupuncture, herbs and liniment that has been directed towards me, I feel has been guiding me on a quick recovery.  This truly includes my outlook and positivity of believing in myself.  Also my hair is growing very quickly and my scar which was once raised high is almost flat on my head.  I have been rubbing healing tincture and cream on my scar to help the scar as well as my brain.  I have also been applying hair tonic which is strong to my head helping the hair grow quickly.  The picture to the left was taken in the beginning of december right before my mom left and the one to the right below was taken during my airport journey yesterday on December 17th which shows the astonishment of my head and hair.  It continues to amaze me at how capable the body is of putting itself to work to create healing and balance.  The more I believe in it and the more I assist it, the faster it heals.

            This spring semester at school which starts on January 6th I have chosen to take a bit of a break from taking classes full time at school and instead continue to spend full time healing myself.  I will be making up classes I dropped this fall as well as studying for the pre-clinical exam.  I was suppose to take the pre-clinical one of the days that I was in the hospital during the month of November.  The pre-clinical is the exam that the students at my school must pass in order to practice in the clinic as an intern acupuncturist.  The universe has given me what I feel are "extra credit" courses to undergo and to learn even more about the human body, before starting as an intern.  I have written an amazing amount about my experience as well as about eastern medicine, but I also wanted to continue to recognize that I am fully grateful for western medicine as well and the success of my biopsy and hospital experience.

          In February I will be visiting a Western doctor in Florida named David Perlmutter who specializes in neurological disorders.  I have been reading his book "Grain Brain" which emphasizes the importance of eliminating certain foods from our diet, the main ones being gluten, sugar, and limited carbohydrates. Eastern and Western doctors are both amazing and should be able to work together more side by side. I hope that the door will continue to open wider and wider to a world of integrated medicine.  

Another person that has been an amazing influence in my life is a man named Will Pye.  He is someone that has gone through an amazing brain tumor adventure and who has also reached out to me and helped me on my journey.  He is completing a publication of his story about the amazing gift of the brain tumor that was in his head, which I look forward reading.  Thank you Will for your guidance and loving energy that has been sent my way.  Below is a link sharing his the process of his publication which will be coming soon as well as a link to his website which is what led me to him.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/blessed-with-a-brain-tumour-realising-it-s-all-gift-and-learning-to-receive

http://blessedwithabraintumor.com

 Tomorrow I am heading to the Ashram at Yogaville to partake in a meditative and peaceful journey of connecting with myself as well as Swami Satchidananda who founded this ashram.  He is no longer physically alive, but his soul is felt throughout.  He is the guru who gave me my sanskrit middle name (Sundhari) as an infant and whose presence I felt while going into the biopsy.  I will update all of you soon about my experience at the Ashram.  I am so happy to be in Virginia for a short while and also so happy to have so much love and support endlessly still being sent my way.  I love you all.  Namaste.

                     Tomorrow's worry will make you sick today. Stay healthy today.  ~Swami Satchidananda

Thank You Danielle!

         Holy Moly WOW!! I am moved touched and inspired by the fundraiser my friend Danielle DiVittorio started.  To get out of the hospital and be gifted by the financial support of many was astonishing! She has been a true friend since the day we met, about eleven years ago. Sometimes there are parts of our lives that we can look back on and wonder why certain things happen. When I graduated high school I went to George Mason University for a year and ended up dropping out because I felt no direction and my grades were dropping. Danielle is one of the only aspects that has continued to be a strong and influential part of my life from that experience. She has been and still is  like family and a positive strength in my life.

          Her starting a fundraiser has been a life moving event.  I did not even know it was happening until it had already unfolded to something beyond I could ever imagine. I am awed by her swiftness to create such an amazing movement. It has touched my soul in many more ways than the financial aspect of it.  Having so many people that have reached out and moved me with their healing energy, love and support has been life changing. It has brought forward so many close friends and family as well as people that I have never even met in person before, which makes me view the world in a whole new light. Thank you to everyone in my life for reaching out in all different ways. Below is the website link in case some of you haven't seen Danielle's astounding movement, and then below the website is Danielle and myself a couple years ago laying on the beach in Venice soaking in the sun and each other.

http://gofundme.com/give2gabby

I Love you Danielle!!

My Journey: The Beginning

          The following is an update of the progression of the past month since the scooter accident.  I have left a few updates on facebook but I wanted to write a summary for myself and for anyone else who finds interest, on where my life has unfolded recently and what has been unfolding.  I also wanted to let all of you know how strong your love, passion, energy and support has been along the way.  I can feel it physically and emotionally.  It has been amazing and healing. I love you all. 

It has been one month and one day since the accident on October 25th, 2013.  At around noon I took a little ride on my scooter to run an errand at the post office, less than a mile from where I lived.  I saw my destination up ahead on my right when suddenly several cars slammed on their breaks and before I knew it my scooter swerved and went one way and my body went another way and the last thing I remember was laying on the road as my body went into shock and was unable to move, and a couple people stood over me and spoke to me.  Not too long after EMT arrived and I was being lifted up into their vehicle.  My brain was in shock and the only thing that seemed to be on my mind was if I was attached to my physical body or in a lucid dream state.  I was taken to the ER at UCLA Ronald Reagan Medical Center, where I remained for the next 13 hours.  They informed me that my shoulder was broken, and everything else seemed to be alright but that they wanted to run a CAT scan just to double check that their were no head injuries, even though they knew I had not hit my head on the ground and was showing signs of nothing apparent, it was their procedure to cover all bases.  Shortly after the CAT scan, they informed me that it seemed as if there was something evident on the scan and they wanted to undergo an MRI.  Shortly after undergoing the MRI, a pre-med student came in and informed me that they had found a cancerous malignant tumor in my brain.  To me experienced was him walking in, reading off a piece of paper my diagnosis, walking out, and my entire body going into another state of shock.  I had gone from, a short ride to the post office, to an immense accident, to being told I had cancer.  Its amazing how life can change within a moment.  Shortly after when they found I did not have health insurance, I was discharged out of their hospital on my own with a broken shoulder and informed I had cancer in my brain.  They told me to head down to their other public hospital which accepted those without health insurance. 
          On October 27th, 2013 I was admitted into the public hospital, where I was a patient for about two weeks altogether. At first, when I tried to get admitted into the ER, the hospital employees told me I would have to go for my shoulder first and then come back later in a few weeks for my brain.  This frustratingly made no sense to me and seemed medically confusing and a mess, provided by a hospital that was suppose to supply to those without insurance.  My close friend from high-school, who happened to be a nurse in the neurology department at the first hospital, magically worked the system without my knowledge.  A doctor actually came down approached me and admitted me into the system.  Once in they informed me I would be undergoing a biopsy to surgically removed a small specimen of the tumor to diagnostically examine its presence. However the biopsy was immediately delayed so they could undergo other testing first to rule out any other infection in my brain that it could be. The testing included 2 other types of MRIs (so 3 total because I took one at the first hospital),  an EEG scan to measure brain waves, as well as a spinal tap.

Spinal Tap

          Throughout the next week all the MRI's showed and represented a golf-ball size tumor on the frontal/temporal left side of my brain.  The other infections and possibilities were ruled out according to the spinal tap in western medicine.  The surgeons seemed to think it was a low grade stage 2 glioma.  Throughout my life I have had zero symptoms related and no indication that this was there at all.

          My biopsy was then scheduled again, which immediately a couple days after was canceled AGAIN, because the surgeons found out one of the nurses had given me a pain killer which should have not been given.  It was a blood thinner type of pain medicine and was never suppose to be given prior to surgery because it could cause bleeding during the surgery. So BAM, they suddenly discharged me and rescheduled my biopsy for ten days later.  At the time, I felt angry, frustrated, lost and abandoned.  However, in the next few days, I realized there was a reason for the delay and part of it was so my body and mind could get stronger, settle, find balance, and heal before the biopsy, as well as give me time to emotionally connect with myself and my experience.   The following ten days gave me immense strength and a new outlook in my life.
          The first week in the hospital (Oct. 27- Nov 4th) had been close to a dream experience beyond reality, and I felt so loved and recognized by my family and friends.  The little frustrations and annoyances that had seemed like a big deal weeks ago, had been thrown out the window, and what mattered now was my body, my soul and my beautiful life here on this earth.  So many people came to visit and bond with me. Some people were friends that I hadn't seen for a while as well as children and parents that I have babysat for bonded with like family. Thank you, to all of you, who have called me, messaged me, visited me, and sent me flowers.  This has moved my soul and body emotionally and spiritually in a way I had never experienced in this lifetime.  I felt so gifted and loved that I wanted to share. I walked down the hall way of my floor and shared flowers and gifts that were sent to me with many others in my ward so that we all could embrace a more healing happy energy as opposed to any hospital negativity or a fearful environment.  Patients looked at me shocked and surprised by my actions.

          Allie Torro (my close girlfriend from Virginia) came to visit me on nov 7th- 12th.  She, myself and my mom bonded and spent an amazing time together, chanting, meditating, experiencing life in a different way and feeling gratitude for each other.  I also felt my Virginia community love being resonated from Allie, she brought so much love and support from everyone and the environment with her when's he came.

         During the ten days before going back to the hospital, I received acupuncture from Dr. Wing (one of my teachers as well as incredible practitioners) at my school, Yo San University.  I felt a spiritual bond between he and I that I had not yet felt that I realized served a purpose and was brought to me exactly at that time for a reason.  And I have had him as a teacher now for about 5 different classes but never had a treatment from him until now. I also received treatments from Ting-Jue Zhou who is a Qi-Gong master.  He has been amazing!! He has helped and is still helping detox my body, my shoulder and my brain.  The picture below is of Dr. Zhou giving me a healing treatment to help move my body physically and emotionally.  If you click on his name above, it will take you directly to his website if you would like to find out more about this Grand Master. 

          On the 13th of November I was re-admitted back into the public Hospital to start on the biopsy process. Right before entering, I felt a small part of me that was telling me not going to undergo the biopsy because it's actual result did not seem, to me, be something that was 100% necessary to know, based on my outlook of treatment therapy.  But I realize now that undergoing it served a different purpose all together, and part of it was the process of going through the medical experience to view life now in a different light. The biopsy started Thursday, November 14th around 4:00 pm, at which time I became blacked out on drugs and did not wake up until 1:30 am the next day.  All of it seemed like a dream and still does.  I was completely blacked out during the biopsy but I do remember one thing which was a tunnel with a light shining from the end of.  I had embarked up the tunnel reaching toward the light.  My close friend, Sean Reilly's father, whom I have never met in person or even seen a picture of, stood at the end of the tunnel with his arms crossed, smiling and laughing.  He looked at me and chuckled and told me to turn around, so I did, and suddenly I awoke, and there was Sean Reilly's face next to me as well as my mom.  I was laying down in a hospital bed with pulsating massaging blood moving machines on my legs and gauze wrapped around tightly around my head.  Last I had known, Sean was still living in Hawaii and I never ever would have expected him to show up during my operation.  To this day I still wonder how he was able to contact the hospital as well as my mother and make an appearance.  When I first met Sean, he had just moved back to California to help his father who was sick.  I met him and than shortly after did not hear from him for a long time.  His father had passed on.  This was a couple years ago.  His father had been diagnosed with the same brain tumor which was however at a higher grade than my diagnosis.  There is a reason why Sean and I became friends right before his fathers death.  It's amazing.  And his dad who I have never met in person, I just had gotten to meet in spirit and has now become a part of my life. WOW.  I asked Sean to see a picture not too long after, and when Sean showed me a picture, chills thrusted through my body and tears filled my eyes.  The unfolding of life and moments and people in life are miraculous. 

         During my biopsy hospital stay, I thought I was only in the hospital for a couple days. I kept saying to my mom everyday, "...when I had the biopsy yesterday." Turns out it was about five days total. I was on so many western medications that the whole thing seems like a blurr.  I left the hospital November 18th, 2013. Each day since then my body has gotten a little better and a little stronger.  It has and still is taking time to detox from all of the medication. My shoulder had to be reset by the Qi-Gong Master Ting-Jue Zhou, even though the hospital said it didn't need a sling and was healing just fine. My body felt it was not.  My stomach and intestines have gone through pain but feel a little better each day, and my legs and their circulation has been tough and intense but is slowly improving as well.  Getting acupuncture and herbs every single day has created a full body healing in every area where there is pain.

           Yesterday morning (November 25th, 2013) I met with the oncology/radiation doctor, who seemed relaxed and had a beautiful office.  I told myself before even going there that it is important to listen to all western information but not take anything to heart and as the truth. I thought this Dr. was going to have my biopsy results but he did not yet.  We were able to just meet and talk and he was really positive and actually put me at ease and looked me in the eyes and I felt respected by his energy.  After meeting with him I headed to Santa Monica to get acupuncture and tuina from Dr. Benny Lin, who also teaches tuina at my school: Yo San University.  Benny Lin has been doing an incredible job focusing on healing my shoulder through his incredible tuina massage as well as needling.  The energy at his office puts me at ease and makes me feel calm and relaxed and nurtured to be there.

          It has been one week now since I left the hospital and eleven days since the biopsy.  I take each day and each moment at a time and follow and listen to what my body feels physically and emotionally.  My mother came here immediately, two days after my accident and has been here living with me and my two roommates (Nick Fulwieler & Sannah Rahim).  The four of us have bonded and become like family!  I have gotten to know my mother in a new way like never before, this journey has brought our relationship to a new level.  As of now I am feeling a pull to head to Virginia (where I am from) sometime in December, to see and be with the rest of my family as well as the friends and community I was raised with.  Thank you all for your love and support and it's an honor to have all of you read my words and send me love and feel my love.  Feel free to leave comments or email me at anytime. Much love.  Gabrielle

Namaste

Hey you all, I will post a more in depth update in the next couple days.  First I just wanted to test out my new blog and make sure that it is working and all of you can get the update sent to your email so you can follow my updates and path. The picture below was taken 48 hours after the biopsy when they finally removed the bandage. My shaved hair has already started to grow a bit to hide my scalp.  The staples are still in my skin and are supposed to be removed on Wednesday this week.   I am amazed by all of you sending your love, healing and support my way. I can feel it so strongly; it is amazing. I have never felt the energy of people move like this before and it it is beautiful and incredible. Thank you all.