The Health System Sanity Project
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Two Steps Forward - One Step Back
August 31, 2016
Two steps forward - One Step Back! I am learning more and more that for every peak, there's been a valley. For every leap forward, there been a stumble backward --- sometimes just an inch, and other times, what seems like miles. I am starting to realize that progress isn't always what I pictured of being a steady, constant ascent of perfection, but that true progress isn't always linear. Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light. Here I am in the darkness, and trying to read my blog right now makes me nauseous and angry especially the post I have been working on which I have pasted below. I wrote this about a month ago, and I keep not wanting to post it, perhaps out of fear, or feeling like I haven't fully experienced the lesson I am suppose to be learning, or how to even write about it. So here I go, I am surrendering and sharing it regardless and continuing to be vulnerable. In this moment I feel frustrated, I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel tired, and thats okay!!
August 9, 2016
33 years old! About a month ago was my birthday. WOW! What a beautiful life thus far. Iv'e been wanting to write for a while, but the words have not had the ability to come forward. The past few times I tried, my hand froze and would not move. The movement that I was feeling instead were the tears streaming down my cheeks from my eyes.
This morning the phrase came to my mind "fight or flight," which I just looked up the definition of this term, which is:
"The instinctive psychological response of the nervous system to a threatening situation, preparing the body to fight or flee, associated with the adrenal secretion of epinephrine and characterized by an increased heart rate, increased blood flow to the brain and muscles, raised sugar levels, sweaty palms and soles, dilated pupils, and erect hairs. This situation is readying the body to either resist forcibly or to run away."
I have realized now that throughout the past couple months this body I live in has experienced full on fight or flight, attempting to run-away as well to resist forcibly. Neither route has seemed to work at all, and here I am exhausted. The aura that is felt right before a seizure comes on, interestingly, feels very similar to the definition above as well. As I was looking up the definition of "fight or flight" a song by artist Jose Gonzalez began to play. The words began to give me goosebumps as I took them in. I looked at the title of the song which by no coincidence is called "Stay Alive." As the lyrics unfolded they defined for me perfectly what has unraveled for me in the past couple months.
Today, I look into the sun as a new days rise. The months of April and May were the first months in the past few years since the biopsy that I did not experience any auras, headaches, or brain/head activity and my body felt the healthiest it had felt in a long time. And then, the very end of May was the beginning of a series of grand-mal and petite-mal black out seizures, as well as some auras.
The first one occurred when I was on my way home from a long day at school. I went to put my key in the mailbox to get my mail and then who knows how long later I woke up laying comfortably in my bed, with my mail at my side. Somehow during that time my body had blacked out but was still able to function and move. Somehow my brain knew what to do, like a robot subconsciously but consciously I was not aware of what was going on. As I woke up in bed, instinctively I knew what had happened, and I lay there exhausted and a bit numb. The only similar experience I can relate this to is like taking too many shots of whiskey and instantly blacking out and waking up the next day wondering what happened.
Another frightening one occurred about a week later. I was on my bicycle, carrying a small package in my purse to the post office. I had my head phones in my ears, listening to music and had almost made it to the post office, when I felt a strange sensation of an aura coming on, like a slight feeling of being removed from my body. I ripped the headphones out of my ears took a big breath and had the thought to stop my bike and get off when BAM, I blacked out. I emerged fully out of the blackout while riding my bike home, suddenly thinking to myself, "what am I doing? what is happening?" I dismounted my bike and noticed my bike was completely bent and tore up and then I suddenly started feeling pain in my left knee and looked down to find it tore up and blood running down my leg. As I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to remember that I had gone to the post office and remembered a conversation with the woman that worked there. My tongue hurt and was swollen. I realized I had bitten it. I still am not fully aware of what happened that day but know that I had a seizure while riding my bike and possibly a grand-mal (shaking seizure) since my tongue had been bitten.
A week or so later another seizure occurred while in clinic at school. This one was the most frustrating, as I was near my final leg of finishing my acupuncture program and had been studying immensely for the first section of my grad exam. After this seizure occurred, the emotion that rose out of me, that seemed to push fear away, was ANGER! I felt as if balls of fire were flaming out of my skin. The conversation that came to my mind was "Come on universe!! I am in my final stages of studying and preparing to be able to fully help and heal others in the world and you are bringing me these seizures during the worst possible time! I have been doing my work to help and heal myself for a while now, how much more do you want me to do?? UNFAIR! I have been patient and I have worked through a lot of shadows and now this? Could it have at least come after I took the exam, or after I finished my grad program?"
August 31, 2016
I believe that I have been waiting and waiting to write, hoping that after I did an MRI I would be able to unravel and shift and have beautiful words of wisdom, or that the seizures would go away. Then I did an MRI which revealed NO CHANGE, NO GROWTH and that the tumor was exactly the same as its been since the first MRI. As beautiful as this information was I still felt lost, afraid, and confused, but my hands were ready to write.
So I wrote what is written above, but I have been waiting and waiting to finish it, because perhaps I was hoping I would not be experiencing seizures anymore and would have worked through all this shit. But here I am still having seizures and still in the shit. HELLO SHIT! You smell bad, but you are here, and so am I, so how can we accept each other? The quote comes to mind right now: "I'll see it when I believe it", instead of "I'll believe it when I see it." No more fighting, no more flighting. And no more waiting and waiting. And my good friend Mark England says, "With my words, I create." So here it goes, my mantra is in this moment is:
Two steps forward - One Step Back! I am learning more and more that for every peak, there's been a valley. For every leap forward, there been a stumble backward --- sometimes just an inch, and other times, what seems like miles. I am starting to realize that progress isn't always what I pictured of being a steady, constant ascent of perfection, but that true progress isn't always linear. Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light. Here I am in the darkness, and trying to read my blog right now makes me nauseous and angry especially the post I have been working on which I have pasted below. I wrote this about a month ago, and I keep not wanting to post it, perhaps out of fear, or feeling like I haven't fully experienced the lesson I am suppose to be learning, or how to even write about it. So here I go, I am surrendering and sharing it regardless and continuing to be vulnerable. In this moment I feel frustrated, I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel tired, and thats okay!!
August 9, 2016
33 years old! About a month ago was my birthday. WOW! What a beautiful life thus far. Iv'e been wanting to write for a while, but the words have not had the ability to come forward. The past few times I tried, my hand froze and would not move. The movement that I was feeling instead were the tears streaming down my cheeks from my eyes.
This morning the phrase came to my mind "fight or flight," which I just looked up the definition of this term, which is:
"The instinctive psychological response of the nervous system to a threatening situation, preparing the body to fight or flee, associated with the adrenal secretion of epinephrine and characterized by an increased heart rate, increased blood flow to the brain and muscles, raised sugar levels, sweaty palms and soles, dilated pupils, and erect hairs. This situation is readying the body to either resist forcibly or to run away."
I have realized now that throughout the past couple months this body I live in has experienced full on fight or flight, attempting to run-away as well to resist forcibly. Neither route has seemed to work at all, and here I am exhausted. The aura that is felt right before a seizure comes on, interestingly, feels very similar to the definition above as well. As I was looking up the definition of "fight or flight" a song by artist Jose Gonzalez began to play. The words began to give me goosebumps as I took them in. I looked at the title of the song which by no coincidence is called "Stay Alive." As the lyrics unfolded they defined for me perfectly what has unraveled for me in the past couple months.
Theres a rhythm in rush these days
Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade
Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams
In a world gone shallow
In a world gone lean
Sometimes theres things a man cannot know
Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow
Theres no place to run and no gasoline
Engine won't turn
And the train won't leave
Engines won't turn and the train won't leave
I will stay with you tonight
Hold you close 'til the morning light
In the morning watch a new day rise
We'll do whatever just to stay alive
We'll do whatever just to stay alive
Well the way I feel is the way I write
It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies
There is a truth and its on our side
Dawn is coming
Open your eyes
Look into the sun as the new days rise
And I will wait for you tonight
You're here forever and you're by my side
I've been waiting all my life
To feel your heart as its keeping time
We'll do whatever just to stay alive
Dawn is coming open your eyes...
Today, I look into the sun as a new days rise. The months of April and May were the first months in the past few years since the biopsy that I did not experience any auras, headaches, or brain/head activity and my body felt the healthiest it had felt in a long time. And then, the very end of May was the beginning of a series of grand-mal and petite-mal black out seizures, as well as some auras.
The first one occurred when I was on my way home from a long day at school. I went to put my key in the mailbox to get my mail and then who knows how long later I woke up laying comfortably in my bed, with my mail at my side. Somehow during that time my body had blacked out but was still able to function and move. Somehow my brain knew what to do, like a robot subconsciously but consciously I was not aware of what was going on. As I woke up in bed, instinctively I knew what had happened, and I lay there exhausted and a bit numb. The only similar experience I can relate this to is like taking too many shots of whiskey and instantly blacking out and waking up the next day wondering what happened.
Another frightening one occurred about a week later. I was on my bicycle, carrying a small package in my purse to the post office. I had my head phones in my ears, listening to music and had almost made it to the post office, when I felt a strange sensation of an aura coming on, like a slight feeling of being removed from my body. I ripped the headphones out of my ears took a big breath and had the thought to stop my bike and get off when BAM, I blacked out. I emerged fully out of the blackout while riding my bike home, suddenly thinking to myself, "what am I doing? what is happening?" I dismounted my bike and noticed my bike was completely bent and tore up and then I suddenly started feeling pain in my left knee and looked down to find it tore up and blood running down my leg. As I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to remember that I had gone to the post office and remembered a conversation with the woman that worked there. My tongue hurt and was swollen. I realized I had bitten it. I still am not fully aware of what happened that day but know that I had a seizure while riding my bike and possibly a grand-mal (shaking seizure) since my tongue had been bitten.
A week or so later another seizure occurred while in clinic at school. This one was the most frustrating, as I was near my final leg of finishing my acupuncture program and had been studying immensely for the first section of my grad exam. After this seizure occurred, the emotion that rose out of me, that seemed to push fear away, was ANGER! I felt as if balls of fire were flaming out of my skin. The conversation that came to my mind was "Come on universe!! I am in my final stages of studying and preparing to be able to fully help and heal others in the world and you are bringing me these seizures during the worst possible time! I have been doing my work to help and heal myself for a while now, how much more do you want me to do?? UNFAIR! I have been patient and I have worked through a lot of shadows and now this? Could it have at least come after I took the exam, or after I finished my grad program?"
August 31, 2016
I believe that I have been waiting and waiting to write, hoping that after I did an MRI I would be able to unravel and shift and have beautiful words of wisdom, or that the seizures would go away. Then I did an MRI which revealed NO CHANGE, NO GROWTH and that the tumor was exactly the same as its been since the first MRI. As beautiful as this information was I still felt lost, afraid, and confused, but my hands were ready to write.
So I wrote what is written above, but I have been waiting and waiting to finish it, because perhaps I was hoping I would not be experiencing seizures anymore and would have worked through all this shit. But here I am still having seizures and still in the shit. HELLO SHIT! You smell bad, but you are here, and so am I, so how can we accept each other? The quote comes to mind right now: "I'll see it when I believe it", instead of "I'll believe it when I see it." No more fighting, no more flighting. And no more waiting and waiting. And my good friend Mark England says, "With my words, I create." So here it goes, my mantra is in this moment is:
I surrender. I accept. I feel. I love. I live.
I feel frustration. Hello frustration! I surrender to you. I accept you. I feel you. But I am here and I am alive and I love. A good shouting and yelling and screaming and punching and letting it out, and then reciting this mantra and loving all of it, even the shouting and yelling, is keeping a smile on my face.
I am currently researching treatment centers world wide, not just in the U.S. that have had a large success in healing brain tumors as well as seizures. I will keep you all updated as that unfolds, as I will need help creating a wonderful experience. If anyone has any knowledge and research of such places please feel free to contact me and send my way. I am reaching out as well and asking for your vibration, love, and prayers. I have always been an independent, confident, do it myself gal, but I am learning more and more the beauty and power of asking for help and fully receiving. So thank all of you. I love you.
I am currently researching treatment centers world wide, not just in the U.S. that have had a large success in healing brain tumors as well as seizures. I will keep you all updated as that unfolds, as I will need help creating a wonderful experience. If anyone has any knowledge and research of such places please feel free to contact me and send my way. I am reaching out as well and asking for your vibration, love, and prayers. I have always been an independent, confident, do it myself gal, but I am learning more and more the beauty and power of asking for help and fully receiving. So thank all of you. I love you.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Inside the Womb
I have tried to write this post multiple times since my last official post in September, and every time I write my fingers cramp up and my mind blockades not even knowing where and how to unfold. My last post I wrote touched on vulnerability and not being afraid of sharing my authentic self with people in my life as well as with myself.
This past year has been a whirlwind, filled with many challenges, shadows, fears, emotions... but more importantly much growth, unfoldment, and so much joy! This past year has felt like the year of digging in the dirt so that I can plant the seeds so that this coming year my garden can begin to grow. In my last post I wrote, "I am realizing more and more the importance of allowing darkness into my life and accepting it, like a seed in the ground. The seed in the ground needs to be comfortable in the dark and accept the water that is coming in and the dirt all around, in order to be able to slowly grow upwards into the sunlight." I feel as though my seed is still in the ground. Its like my body has been shoved back inside my mothers womb to be able to experience a re-birth, into a new world.
I am each day recognizing the beauty of the science experiment of my own human body. Author, Dennis Merritt Jones, refers to the body as a biodegradable vehicle that the soul drives. I couldn't agree more! This past fall I started undergoing some hormone therapy, because we were able to recognize that when I was feeling seizure activity seemed to be happening between when I was ovulating and when my period started. I underwent an in depth assessment testing my hormones, which were all over the place. Boy has it been an experiment! The partial seizures have lessened in the past few months. I have adjusted somewhat to the sensation of having them, but it is still a bit scary.
I have never taken part in an ayahuasca ceremony but what I am experiencing is strikingly similar to the experiences of those who have, in the sense of feeling removed from my body, while in a lucid dream-like state, where I hear voices and seemed to be removed from reality looking in.
None of these have included the body shaking which is why it is medically called a "partial" seizure.
The most simple way to describe it would be that it is like having an aura, or being in a lucid dream state. There are three stages of it, 1. the coming on, 2. the full on state, and 3. the come down. I know what it is coming on because I hear distant voices speaking, the voices and sensation seem familiar, but each time I experience this "aura" it is a bit different but still "familiar." Once I am in a full on state, I am present, but incapable of communicating verbally. This lasts for usually about a minute, but seems to be MUCH longer. The concept of time feels muddled. Then following the experience there is a hangover, as I feel as though my soul is slowly coming back down into my body. Occasionally following these I feel cold to the bone with chills and chatting teeth, as though I have walked through a blizzard.
I wanted to include the journal entry written below, from this past fall. This entry, I have printed and placed by my bedside, so that I can read it anytime I begin to feel fear encasing over me. This entry is one of the most detailed and intense, well written and legible descriptions detailing how it felt to be fighting against this body I am living in which seemed to be trying to have a seizure. Every time I read this, I feel gratitude for the ability and the strength that the human body has to face itself, or for the "self" to face the human body.
November 29, 2015
This past week has been up there, one of the most physically straining and most intense episodes of my life. Not sure at all what is going on in my head right now, but pain as well as fear seems to have amassed my brain and body and taken over. I don't even exactly know what I am afraid of. Am I afraid of dying? Am I dying? Am I dead? No. Am I breathing? Yes. Somehow. The sensation that keeps coming about, which I am feeling a little of right now, hopefully is either passing or perhaps I am just getting used to it and allowing it. Either way I am still feeling it and I feel stoned, and removed from my body, like an onlooker looking in. I feel abdominal sensations of a piglet running in my belly, playing games, giving me symptoms of wanting to deficate but not being able to get up from my bed to be able to even try. Being able to take a full breath into my body seems to have become a challenge... My head is POUNDING!! There seems to be a drum battle with my head against my heart to see who can beat louder and stronger! My brain is wanting to hide away and hear silence!
My throat is dry and burning and raw. My sinus cavities are pounding with cold dry and painful air shooting up my nose and into my brain, and I wish it was going fully into my lungs instead and opening up my heart, which feels like it has been constricted into a metal sharp, cold, and pounding prison ball. My chest is tight like a hard knot and seems to be putting pressure on my left side where my heart is, as I can feel it pounding and shooting pain up into my shoulder. My entire body feels tingling and numb. One second seizure like activity keeps happening every few minutes. When it does I feel removed even further from my body for an instant and my chest, shoulders, and body seem to twitch forwards and upwards abruptly as my eyes blink strongly and my jaw clenches inward and tightly as I abruptly push air that doesn't seem to exist out of my lungs.
My body feels succumbed and motionless, drowning into painful numbness. I want to scream and run far far away from it all, but my mouth seems to be closed and unable to move and my legs seem incapable refusing and forcing me to embrace the darkness and to surrender to the fearful pain... and not need to know the answer to where this experience is coming from or where it is taking me, but to just recognize that all it is is just an experience and that is all and to not put meaning into it.
Re-reading my journal entry above as I write this blog post brings tears streaming down my face. Being alive fascinates me! Fear intrigues me! I have been treating a patient with acupuncture and herbs whose cancer has spread from his bile duct to his liver, stomach, and intestines within a short period of time. He was scared, and felt afraid to die, as well as felt physically in immense pain. Being given a death date by the doctors seems frustrating and fearful. The dictionary definition of fear is : an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or threat. The "belief" is an interesting way of phrasing it. And what is a belief? Definition says that it is "an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists, trust and faith and confidence of something." So in stating this I am finding beauty that believing that death is peaceful and magical and not a threat or painful is a powerful way to change a belief that seems to have been ingrained and is only a belief.
This patient has now passed along into the next realm that we call death. It was beautiful getting to know him for a short period of time and I did feel the emotion of sadness and tears rise up when I heard of his passing. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I feel in a place at this moment in time where I do not feel afraid of dying. What I fear most is others around me dying because of the feeling it feels to feel loss. What is death? The definition of death is: the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism, the state of being dead, the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. Does anything permanently end?
This body feels like a speck of stardust in a massive universe, connected to all the other specks of stardust in the universe. And I love living in it. My last post talked about vulnerability and making myself alert and aware of vulnerability has heightened vulnerable opportunities in my life, and I feel that I am faced with these exciting challenges often these days.
About a month ago I was experiencing sinusitis and severer pressure on my brain and had some very intense auras for a week straight. Herbs and acupuncture helped release that and I am now feeling AMAZING! Right now has been the longest I have gone without experiencing an "aura" seizure, and for that I am grateful. As far as the tumor and its existence... I don't know! Its been a while since I checked. When I do I will keep you posted. More importantly right now I am in the works of creating and putting together a documentary to follow my story as well as unfold and to help others who are facing their shadows, as well as be able to raise some funding to go down to Mexico and undergo some healing at an amazing institute where surgeons and energy healers stand side by side. My goal is to be able to give more awareness to our country of how this integration of medicine can be beneficial.
My album has also been released which I refer to as "surgery of the soul"! This album tells its own story and has come about from this tumor experience. For anyone interested check out:
Friday, December 11, 2015
Conscious Lifestyle Magazine
The words below are from a recent post in Conscious Lifestyle Magazine, which can be viewed at:
This magazine offers so much besides just a beautiful interview they gave me. I highly recommend checking it out!
Blessed With a Tumor: How a Brain Tumor Changed My Life For the Better
AN INTERVIEW WITH GABRIELLE OLKO
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| Everything we experience can have a positive and negative interpretation. Which will you choose? Photo: Julia Caeser |
Conscious Lifestyle Magazine: Hi Gabby, so we have had the chance to get to know you a bit behind the scenes, but why don’t you share your story with us of what led up to the point of when you found out about your brain tumor diagnosis for our readers?
Gabrielle Olko: I moved out to California in 2010 to study acupuncture. A year and a half ago I was in a moped accident where I was taken to the hospital. Because I was not in an enclosed car and my head had the potential to be injured, although not noticeable, the hospital for legality reasons ran a CT scan, which surprisingly showed that something was present. They followed the CT scan with an MRI and returned to me with the results letting me know that there was a malignant glioma tumor present that was unrelated to the accident. I was than admitted into another hospital to undergo a biopsy, which led to a final diagnosis of a malignant oliogodendroglioma located in the left frontal and temporal lobe in a location that they would not surgically be capable to remove. In the past year I have released the idea and words of the tumor being “mine” and simply call it the tumor. So many people, as well as myself, have a tendency to say “my cancer” or “she has cancer,” and I have really unfolded the beauty of learning to not attach to it.
CLM: How did you initially feel when you found out about this brain tumor diagnosis?
GO: I felt like my body had been thrown to the ground and scattered into pieces—beyond what it felt like to be in shock on the road from the accident. The moment the pre-med student entered my hospital room and told me, I felt as though I had died.
CLM: At what point did you decide to shift into a positive, empowered mindset about the experience?
GO: There were many points and many shifts, and there still are, but the 2nd or 3rd day in the hospital I was laying there in a depressed “why me?” state and suddenly the news flashed on about the tsunami in the Philippines where over 10,000 died and 600,000 suffered severe injury. At that moment I lay there and cried and thought, “Why am I still alive? This life is a gift, and here I am alive for a reason! So alive!” From that moment on I knew that this was a gift, which has unfolded my journey in this lifetime in a beautiful way. Another moment that uplifted my positivity and gratitude was with our mutual friend, Kyle Cease. I met him at a little bookstore talk that he gave that was healing, from the heart, and inspirational. After the talk I walked up to him, and as shared my story, he held my arm, looked me in the eyes, and automatically responded by saying, “You are so incredibly lucky to be able to experience this beautiful journey at such a young age! You get to go start living and experiencing life and to throw all the bullshit away.”
CLM: How has doing that impacted your life? GO: It has truly impacted my life by helping me face many challenges and let go of many obstacles. There’s an aspect of loneliness that has been a huge obstacle for me most recently, that I am now finding beauty in allowing it to transform and to learn to embrace the beauty of aloneness. Whenever a physical medical fear arises or an emotion, I feel much more ease being able to use my empowered mindset to help shift me into a better place and to recognize this body that I am in and this life that I am living is no dress rehearsal. I am in full on play mode right now, time to be alive and enjoy every moment of it. The quote. “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” from Mary Anne Radmacher shines through to me and gives me strength at the end of the day, that exactly where I am is okay; right now is okay! I know the human body, especially my own has a tendency to want to race ahead or have thoughts of, “I’ll feel better when…” I have learned to accept and love the idea of loving exactly where I am right now and allowing it to flow.
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| Gabrielle Olko |
CLM: What are some of the biggest lessons you have learned from this experience?
GO: The idea that people have about “fighting” cancer seems absurd to me; to me fighting is having fire be thrown at fire, and causing the fire to get bigger or be left burnt out on the ground. I believe that allowing it to not be a part of me, and just watching as it passes by and thanking it for passing by is the best approach I can take. I have learned to not call it MY tumor, MY cancer, or say “I have cancer” or “She has cancer”, which is something that I have noticed is the way most people tend to address it. I have learned to say “the tumor” and phrase it in a way that doesn’t allow it to become something that is me or that I own. This enables me not to become attached to it or a part of what has presented itself.
CLM: Do you have a message for other people out there experiencing a tumor or other serious illnesses similar to yours?
GO: Time to start living! You are so lucky to be able to go through such an incredible life journey! What a gift!
CLM: And what would you advise people who have a friend or family member experiencing such a condition?
GO: This is a good question. You should ask my mom! [laughs] I think mainly just being there for them is of utmost importance, also not pushing your treatment ideas, cancer treatments, and everything and anything that they should be undergoing right now that you know of. The best treatment is to just be there and listen and laugh. Also being able to stand strong and to not constantly show the “I feel so sorry for you!” card. To be able to reconstruct your own thoughts to instead thinking of how beautiful and amazing and strong and magnificent this person is on their current journey.
CLM: Wow, that is so beautiful. Thank you so much for talking to us today and sharing such a great message of perspective and presence.
GO: Absolutely. Thank you!
About The Authors
Gabrielle Olko is a life and health coach currently in her last year of grad school to obtain her M.A. degree in Oriental Medicine and L.A.c. in Acupuncture. Halfway through her studies she found out there was a tumor in her brain–a diagnosis that has awakened for her the light and beauty within the challenges that life presents. She considers it her “extra credit” course in becoming a healer. She is part of a new foundation called Be Your Own Cure that educates others about alternative healing modalities and the importance of becoming our own doctor, and is soon to appear in a medical documentary about her healing journey, which you can follow along with through her blog: brainnewbeginning.blogspot.com
See more at: http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gabrielle-olko-interview-brain-tumor/#sthash.Li60F5Lq.4vMivkBM.dpuf
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Healing through Vulnerability
The letter below was written to a new friend that came into my life a few months ago. For the first time I felt scared to share the beautiful journey I have been on. The first day I met him he shared with me that his mom had cancer, and that it had metastasized, so he and his brother had moved back here to be with her. It felt immensely beautiful to have him share with me about his family. But I instantly started to feel nervous and scared to share with him how much I could relate, as my ego screamed at me that if I shared that he would want to run away. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a loved one, especially a mother, and I don't know what would be easier, losing them instantaneously or slowly saying goodbye. One thing that I have learned is how precious life is and how feeling lost and feeling fearful and feeling sad and feeling pain are a part of this magical physical journey here on this earth. This past weekend I went out to Joshua Tree, in the desert for Bhaktifest. The message that was shone brightly and spoken loudly to me from the universe was, "The more you're pushing, the more it's pushing back, so you can't rush you're healing. Darkness has it's teachings. Love is never leaving. You can't rush your healing." - Trevor Hall
The message of allowing space, not pushing or rushing, allowing darkness and not needing answers, has been shining through in so many areas in my life. It has shone through with my healing, with my profession, and with people in my life. I am realizing more and more the importance of allowing darkness into my life and accepting it, like a seed in the ground. The seed in the ground needs to be comfortable in the dark and accept the water that is coming in and the dirt all around, in order to be able to slowly grow upwards into the sunlight. And just because I feel like a seed lost alone in the darkness doesn't mean that love isn't still feeding it's way in and creating space for me to grow. Space is another intention that has seeped in over the past month. The beauty of allowing space, not rushing, and accepting and allowing and not needing answers, as well as giving love a chance. Love for myself, love for others, and love for love. That being said, the letter written below was to this amazing man I recently met but it was also to myself. I read the letter to my sister a few days ago and she asked me to post it in my blog, so here it goes.
Dear Friend,
I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter, but a pen just appeared in my hand and vulnerability just knocked me over and swished me back up. I cannot even fathom what you are experiencing in your life right now. The other day I stopped by my girlfriends house, who has been experiencing some of her own life challenges. She wailed about a near death experience she had gone through and seemed to be reliving it through a panic attack. Suddenly the energy snatched me and I felt taken over and my body tensed up and my breath choked. I felt as though I was strongly shoved against the wall and unable to move. I began to cry, my stomach turned over and over and I suddenly felt as though my mother had died. My mom right now at this moment is alive and still here, but it was as though for a split second, the universe had thrown me into your shoes, reminding me of this physical experience called life and how small and precious it is. A quote I read recently kept running through my mind, "Life is a brief intermission between birth and death." I feel fearful even writing you this letter, as I don't even know what to write and feel scared to bring more pain...but I am allowing my vulnerability and feeling love for it.
The day I met you, your vibrational authentic energy mesmerized me. Something about cats approaching you several times on our walk to say hello, was beautiful, and the time you took out to give each one attention. Also having you teach me what a peppercorn plant-seed looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like...opening all of my sensations...oh pepper! You asking me permission to hold my hand and asking to give me a kiss goodnight was meaningful and felt good. I can't remember the last time a man has ever done that. I felt touched that you cooked me an amazing delicious dinner and took care of me on my birthday. I appreciate your steadfastness, strong drive, and outlook on life. I adore that you never wear shoes and are able to fully connect with nature and the earth. It meant a lot to me to have you send me wonderful pictures and words while you were backpacking with your friend in Colorado. The fact that you and I can lay on my bedroom floor and not say a word to each other and just be there...LISTENING...to the many sounds that most people never notice or take the time to do. Time. I believe time is irrelative, at times it seems slow, at times fast, and sometimes doesn't seem to exist at all. Hmmmm.
Your physical body is stunning! So strong yet soft. Everything about it turns me on... Your eyes, your ears, your freckles, your mustache, your lips. Your mother produced a handsome man. You are strong and tall; a man of few words, but the words you say seem true and solid. I haven't known you very long at all, there , I'm sure, is much about you you I do not know. Maybe I will get the privilege of experiencing or maybe I will get the privilege of just writing you this letter, or maybe I will burn this letter and never give it to you... Whatever the case... None of it matters... Or maybe all of it matters. The song by Pretty Lights just started playing... All I can hear right now is " oooooooh sometimes I get a good feeling! I get a feeling that I've never never never never had before, no no,"
When I first met you and you told me about your mom, I instantly felt terrified to tell you about my own kick-ass story! Which until that moment I had never felt scared to share. Fr some reason I immediately felt shy, like my journey would send you running the other way. But I realize life is too short and too magical to have that be a concern. This moment is all that exists. At any moment any one of us human beings could take our last breathe in this physical body. Life be too precious to hold back. If something or someone doesn't mesh with the wave I am currently on then so be it.
Almost two years ago was one of the most life altering, life changing events of my life. I think I mentioned to you that I was in a big moped accident... What I didn't mention was what came from that. While I was in the ER, they informed me I had broken my shoulder. They came in later and informed me they would be running a CT scan on my head to make sure there had been no head damage in order to release me from the hospital. After running the CT scan, the doctor came in looking concerned and told me they would like to run an MRI as the CT scan had showed some inflammation. After the MRI, a pre-med student came in...and I will never forget his words. He look up at me as if he was talking to a piece of paper and recited, "there is inflammation showing upon the MRI that signifies that there is a tumor in your brain. This is not related to the accident, but seems to be a form of a malignant glioma. You will need to undergo further testing as well as possibly a surgery/biopsy to identify the type and grade of the tumor." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. In that moment the only thing my brain heard was that I was dying. Shortly after they came in and informed me that since i had no health insurance they would have to release me, giving me the name of the hospital that treated uninsured patients (somewhat). I can still see myself sitting outside the hospital alone on the sidewalk having no idea what the purpose of life even was, WTF!! My shoulder pain seemed instantly irrelative to the pain in my mind, as my brain was emasked in "thoughts" about that thing they call "cancer."
Its a crazy sensation that the word "cancer" has seemed to create in this world. Two days later (with the help of my nurse friend) I got admitted to another hospital where I spent the next couple weeks. In the first few days there, I lay there blanketed by the shadow of my ego which screamed through my mind, "Why me? WTF!! I have never ever had a symptom, this is not real! What did I do to deserve this? Why are the worst things ever happening to me?" Instantly the news flashed on the TV and was showing the tsunami that was happening in that moment in the Philipines and the thousands and thousands of people that were dying. I feel tears running down my face as I write this right now. In that moment my ego dropped to the ground! My entire life story dropped to the ground and it was like I was laying there naked, experiencing a rebirth down the birth canal...emerging and taking my first gasp of air, bringing me life. Suddenly I looked around thinking. "WHY AM I ALIVE? I AM ALIVE! I am breathing. I am here in this physical body more alive then I have ever felt. I have been through so many near death adventures, how am I still alive?" This "diagnosis" aka GIFT, has made me the most alive I have ever felt. I feel gifted to have been given such a massive life awakening. The past couple years since the biopsy have brought me wonderful challenges. It has not been easy breezy healing from the brain trauma of having my head sliced open. There has been regret that has arisen from allowing fear to make the decision of having my skull cut open. Healing from the surgery has definitely been tough, but for the first time I have realized who my true friends are, and learning who I truly am and what I value, obtaining the capability of dropping the bullshit and learning to say hello to and making friends with fear, sadness, frustration, anger, and loneliness; accepting those feelings when they come and basking in them, instead of always fighting them to leave. Allowing the beauty of death to be my friend and to be with me everyday. Saying hello to death and recognizing its presence and importance. Death is what brings me life...or so I feel in this very moment. Like anything that thought could change. Like the ocean, always changing. I believe that's why the ocean brings me so much peace, calmness, freedom, clarity, and so much more. It is overflowing, ever-changing, strong, and washes everything away each day. I don't know if its age and growth or undergoing this life experience, but I have started seeing, feeling, hearing, and sensing life in a different way.
I can't remember exactly what it was that you wrote in one of our first messages to each other, but it had something to do with the beauty of death, which immediately attracted me to you. Our conversations and dates have been far from the "norm." Your life outlook and demeanor fascinate and captivate me. Not many people I know (men I know) are vulnerable the way you were when we met. You beat me in sharing vulnerable life stories, sharing stories about your family, your upbringing, as well as your moms health. You shared with me your personal stories about your friends, your job , and your past relationships, much more than most people share within months of getting to know each other.
I miss the joy of climbing trees, and sitting in tree houses, and playing with cats, and picking flowers, and sitting on old toilets on the side of the road, and aimlessly walking through neighborhoods for three hours in the dark. Thank you for bringing that back out in me, and thank you for sharing your family story with me, as well as for sharing your friendship. As much as I have felt eager to see you (feel eager to see you) and to hear your voice, I have appreciated the beauty of allowing space in a time of emotion and pain, and granting things to flow as they are meant to flow. I cannot imagine fully what you are encountering right now...and the pain and sadness that is running through. I feel special that you have shared with me where you are in your life, and included me in your thoughts.
Aaaaah It feels good to breathe...as well as to lay here on my floor and let emotion pour from my body, relaxing my mind, my body, and my soul...which perhaps are not even mine. I like to remind myself, that I own nothing. The tumor came to visit, it never belonged to me. The thoughts, the materials, the world, the universe -- are not mine! I own nothing. I AM...and that is all. Or perhaps this entire letter is rubbish...all these words are nothing... or they are something. I don't know. But I do know that you are a rock! I am grateful that I met you.
Much love,
Gabrielle
I never intended to actually send this letter (but, I did), and I never intended to actually post this letter in my blog (but, I did). My intention was to write it and burn it, and let it blow to the wind. But I have learned that what we intend does not always pan out. Setting intentions I believe is powerful but also allowing the intentions to be carried in whatever direction they like is also powerful. That being said, I feel completely raw and vulnerable right now and am learning to accept that feeling. Maybe I will hear from this man again, and maybe this letter will move him, or maybe not, but whatever happens is what is meant to happen, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Lastly, a couple months ago I posted onto facebook the question, "What is vulnerability?" Below are the responses that I received. Thank you friends, for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts on vulnerability. x
I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter, but a pen just appeared in my hand and vulnerability just knocked me over and swished me back up. I cannot even fathom what you are experiencing in your life right now. The other day I stopped by my girlfriends house, who has been experiencing some of her own life challenges. She wailed about a near death experience she had gone through and seemed to be reliving it through a panic attack. Suddenly the energy snatched me and I felt taken over and my body tensed up and my breath choked. I felt as though I was strongly shoved against the wall and unable to move. I began to cry, my stomach turned over and over and I suddenly felt as though my mother had died. My mom right now at this moment is alive and still here, but it was as though for a split second, the universe had thrown me into your shoes, reminding me of this physical experience called life and how small and precious it is. A quote I read recently kept running through my mind, "Life is a brief intermission between birth and death." I feel fearful even writing you this letter, as I don't even know what to write and feel scared to bring more pain...but I am allowing my vulnerability and feeling love for it.
The day I met you, your vibrational authentic energy mesmerized me. Something about cats approaching you several times on our walk to say hello, was beautiful, and the time you took out to give each one attention. Also having you teach me what a peppercorn plant-seed looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like...opening all of my sensations...oh pepper! You asking me permission to hold my hand and asking to give me a kiss goodnight was meaningful and felt good. I can't remember the last time a man has ever done that. I felt touched that you cooked me an amazing delicious dinner and took care of me on my birthday. I appreciate your steadfastness, strong drive, and outlook on life. I adore that you never wear shoes and are able to fully connect with nature and the earth. It meant a lot to me to have you send me wonderful pictures and words while you were backpacking with your friend in Colorado. The fact that you and I can lay on my bedroom floor and not say a word to each other and just be there...LISTENING...to the many sounds that most people never notice or take the time to do. Time. I believe time is irrelative, at times it seems slow, at times fast, and sometimes doesn't seem to exist at all. Hmmmm.
Your physical body is stunning! So strong yet soft. Everything about it turns me on... Your eyes, your ears, your freckles, your mustache, your lips. Your mother produced a handsome man. You are strong and tall; a man of few words, but the words you say seem true and solid. I haven't known you very long at all, there , I'm sure, is much about you you I do not know. Maybe I will get the privilege of experiencing or maybe I will get the privilege of just writing you this letter, or maybe I will burn this letter and never give it to you... Whatever the case... None of it matters... Or maybe all of it matters. The song by Pretty Lights just started playing... All I can hear right now is " oooooooh sometimes I get a good feeling! I get a feeling that I've never never never never had before, no no,"
When I first met you and you told me about your mom, I instantly felt terrified to tell you about my own kick-ass story! Which until that moment I had never felt scared to share. Fr some reason I immediately felt shy, like my journey would send you running the other way. But I realize life is too short and too magical to have that be a concern. This moment is all that exists. At any moment any one of us human beings could take our last breathe in this physical body. Life be too precious to hold back. If something or someone doesn't mesh with the wave I am currently on then so be it.
Almost two years ago was one of the most life altering, life changing events of my life. I think I mentioned to you that I was in a big moped accident... What I didn't mention was what came from that. While I was in the ER, they informed me I had broken my shoulder. They came in later and informed me they would be running a CT scan on my head to make sure there had been no head damage in order to release me from the hospital. After running the CT scan, the doctor came in looking concerned and told me they would like to run an MRI as the CT scan had showed some inflammation. After the MRI, a pre-med student came in...and I will never forget his words. He look up at me as if he was talking to a piece of paper and recited, "there is inflammation showing upon the MRI that signifies that there is a tumor in your brain. This is not related to the accident, but seems to be a form of a malignant glioma. You will need to undergo further testing as well as possibly a surgery/biopsy to identify the type and grade of the tumor." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. In that moment the only thing my brain heard was that I was dying. Shortly after they came in and informed me that since i had no health insurance they would have to release me, giving me the name of the hospital that treated uninsured patients (somewhat). I can still see myself sitting outside the hospital alone on the sidewalk having no idea what the purpose of life even was, WTF!! My shoulder pain seemed instantly irrelative to the pain in my mind, as my brain was emasked in "thoughts" about that thing they call "cancer."
Its a crazy sensation that the word "cancer" has seemed to create in this world. Two days later (with the help of my nurse friend) I got admitted to another hospital where I spent the next couple weeks. In the first few days there, I lay there blanketed by the shadow of my ego which screamed through my mind, "Why me? WTF!! I have never ever had a symptom, this is not real! What did I do to deserve this? Why are the worst things ever happening to me?" Instantly the news flashed on the TV and was showing the tsunami that was happening in that moment in the Philipines and the thousands and thousands of people that were dying. I feel tears running down my face as I write this right now. In that moment my ego dropped to the ground! My entire life story dropped to the ground and it was like I was laying there naked, experiencing a rebirth down the birth canal...emerging and taking my first gasp of air, bringing me life. Suddenly I looked around thinking. "WHY AM I ALIVE? I AM ALIVE! I am breathing. I am here in this physical body more alive then I have ever felt. I have been through so many near death adventures, how am I still alive?" This "diagnosis" aka GIFT, has made me the most alive I have ever felt. I feel gifted to have been given such a massive life awakening. The past couple years since the biopsy have brought me wonderful challenges. It has not been easy breezy healing from the brain trauma of having my head sliced open. There has been regret that has arisen from allowing fear to make the decision of having my skull cut open. Healing from the surgery has definitely been tough, but for the first time I have realized who my true friends are, and learning who I truly am and what I value, obtaining the capability of dropping the bullshit and learning to say hello to and making friends with fear, sadness, frustration, anger, and loneliness; accepting those feelings when they come and basking in them, instead of always fighting them to leave. Allowing the beauty of death to be my friend and to be with me everyday. Saying hello to death and recognizing its presence and importance. Death is what brings me life...or so I feel in this very moment. Like anything that thought could change. Like the ocean, always changing. I believe that's why the ocean brings me so much peace, calmness, freedom, clarity, and so much more. It is overflowing, ever-changing, strong, and washes everything away each day. I don't know if its age and growth or undergoing this life experience, but I have started seeing, feeling, hearing, and sensing life in a different way.
I can't remember exactly what it was that you wrote in one of our first messages to each other, but it had something to do with the beauty of death, which immediately attracted me to you. Our conversations and dates have been far from the "norm." Your life outlook and demeanor fascinate and captivate me. Not many people I know (men I know) are vulnerable the way you were when we met. You beat me in sharing vulnerable life stories, sharing stories about your family, your upbringing, as well as your moms health. You shared with me your personal stories about your friends, your job , and your past relationships, much more than most people share within months of getting to know each other.
I miss the joy of climbing trees, and sitting in tree houses, and playing with cats, and picking flowers, and sitting on old toilets on the side of the road, and aimlessly walking through neighborhoods for three hours in the dark. Thank you for bringing that back out in me, and thank you for sharing your family story with me, as well as for sharing your friendship. As much as I have felt eager to see you (feel eager to see you) and to hear your voice, I have appreciated the beauty of allowing space in a time of emotion and pain, and granting things to flow as they are meant to flow. I cannot imagine fully what you are encountering right now...and the pain and sadness that is running through. I feel special that you have shared with me where you are in your life, and included me in your thoughts.
Aaaaah It feels good to breathe...as well as to lay here on my floor and let emotion pour from my body, relaxing my mind, my body, and my soul...which perhaps are not even mine. I like to remind myself, that I own nothing. The tumor came to visit, it never belonged to me. The thoughts, the materials, the world, the universe -- are not mine! I own nothing. I AM...and that is all. Or perhaps this entire letter is rubbish...all these words are nothing... or they are something. I don't know. But I do know that you are a rock! I am grateful that I met you.
Much love,
Gabrielle
I never intended to actually send this letter (but, I did), and I never intended to actually post this letter in my blog (but, I did). My intention was to write it and burn it, and let it blow to the wind. But I have learned that what we intend does not always pan out. Setting intentions I believe is powerful but also allowing the intentions to be carried in whatever direction they like is also powerful. That being said, I feel completely raw and vulnerable right now and am learning to accept that feeling. Maybe I will hear from this man again, and maybe this letter will move him, or maybe not, but whatever happens is what is meant to happen, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Lastly, a couple months ago I posted onto facebook the question, "What is vulnerability?" Below are the responses that I received. Thank you friends, for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts on vulnerability. x
"Openly acknowledging and admitting to others the things about myself that my inner judge most dislikes..." - Jarrett Green
"Being able to be completely honest and authentic on all levels." - Lisa Olko
"Open to whatever happens." - Lisa Warren
"Raw" - Abby Gallagher
"...to remove your walls and be subjected to all the energies of our universe... to surrender... to willingly invite change and challenges... to abandon preconceived notions with a free mind... to have the strength to embrace your fears and weaknesses... to be vulnerable is to be open and prepared for a shift to higher vibrations!!!" - Eryn Withay
"Exposed. Naked. Without exception." - Carla Morris
"Letting my guard down and getting hit with a left hook (metaphorically speaking)." - Sidney Falco
"Vulnerability = courage = love = fearlessness." - Omar Chaudhry
"Vulnerability is an emotional concept/condition created by the mind. It is another obstacle that prevents us from knowing the truth of who we are. When we truly understand who we are then there is no definition for vulnerability - you are pure and simple, I AM or Beingness!!!" - Julianne Gardner
"Allowing myself to reveal emotional pain or physical weakness in front of others and looking like I need help, admitting to myself and others that I need help, asking for and being ignored, refused or accepting help. I have been working on this one a very long time. After 42 years it is still a challenge to sometimes let go of my defenses and be, admit, ask and accept the result, ask without judgement or attachment to who I thought I was or what I thought I needed from myself and who I love. - Andrea Renee Rivera
"Vulnerabilty is part of the definition of any living being. To be receptive to vulnerability is to be a participant in the process of becoming (a being). To hold onto that vulnerability, however is one of the many attachments that hastens the withing of the heart-mind." - Seth Leon
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Everything Comes And Goes
Its amazing to think that my last post was about four months ago, it feels like just yesterday. However much has happened in the last four months. For starters, my last post was beginning of January, and exactly two weeks after posting, I had an MRI scheduled and asked that my follow-up appointment be the same day. The MRI follow up appointment consisted of the neuro-oncologist telling me that in comparison to my previous MRI that it looked as though there was a bit of inflammation in relation to the tumor. Because of this he suggested that he believed I should start on Temador, an oral chemotherapy drug which is an alkylating agent used for certain brain tumors. I felt as though a massive punch slammed through my head numbing my ability to think clearly, causing my ego brain to start on a wild rampage of thoughts, one of which was the frustration of my last blog post addressing the same neuro-oncologist telling me that the tumor was actually it a grade 2 not a grade 3 like the other hospital had diagnosed me with a year prior.
I felt the ego thoughts screaming at me about my blog post telling me that I had jinxed myself into creating this. The thoughts started to swirl around my mind so wildly that I suddenly stepped away from them and watched them swirl and twirl, realizing that none of them have to control me at all. I was reminded that they do not define me; they are only thoughts that arise. Flooding into my soul came the true beauty and realization of the coming and going of everything in life, coming and going, conceiving that all that energy created around and controlled by thoughts can often be paralyzing both mentally and physically to my body, if I allow it.
The words of Swami Satchidananda helped me be able to step away from the thoughts that I thought were "me" and un-claim them and watch them swirl. He says, "anger is caused by your own expectation, misplaced.. when you did not get what you want, you get angry... Loss!? what did you have to lose? is there anything that you could call yourself yours? theres nothing for us to lose, you came with nothing, you go with nothing. what do you lose? even the body is not yours. Everything that comes will go. Equanimity; when theres a coming theres a going, dont let your mind be affected by that."
The past few months I have been weaning off of Dilantin, which was an anti-seizure medication I started taking this past fall, prescribed by the hospital. I am currently weaned onto Vimpat, weaning off of Dilantin has been a challenge. There are a lot of things about weaning off a psychoactive medications that doctors don't tell you. In previous posts I have written about my Keppra experience, which was the first anti-seizure medication they put me on, giving me 4000 mg of right after the biopsy. The effects of being on that were unbearable for my body, and the effects of weaning off of it were scary. What I know now that I did not know then is the slower the wean off the better. During my wean off of Dilantin the past few months, immense physical and emotional symptoms have been present. Within 48 hours of weaning off the first capsule, my journal entry was:
I feel palpitations right now, my heart is beating so fast and my chest feels tight. My stomach is in a knot, it is cramped and in pain, all over, from top to bottom and I feel nauseous. My mouth is dry and my body is lacking strength, I feel like I am stoned or drunk on drugs, hungover and removed from reality. I feel scared to fall asleep, I lay here and keep picturing a body removal approaching...its like I have experienced it enough times that the idea of it seems rather familiar but overly unknown and distant at the same time. My stomach turns, in chinese medicine we call it the running piglet, to me this feels more like 20 running piglets all running in different directions creating chaos. I feel chaos. I have not yet discovered how to make peace with chaos. I feel scared, alone, confused, I want to be independent, healthy, and strong, but I also want people by my side helping. However it seems when they do I want to push them away. I dont know how to sleep. I want to run to the hospital, but at the same time where is that gonna get me?
According to the doctors at the hospital, I couldve weened off the dilantin much faster than I have been, but thank goodness I discussed with them the importance of taking my time and the sensitivity that the human body can have when making shifts with a psychoactive drug. I am almost completely weened off of the dilantin and on my final haul.
I have started on oxygen therapy, which has been amazing. It feels calming and healing to lay in the oxygen chamber each day. The air pressure in the chamber is about 2-3 times higher than the normal pressure in the atmosphere, which helps the body carry more oxygen to organs and tissues in the body. It has been known to reduce inflammation as well as assist in treating cancer. There is a link Cancer Resources above on my home page that speaks more in depth about oxygen therapy if anyone is interested. It is used to heal much more than just cancer.
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| Amrit Vela Band |
I have passed my pre-clinical exam and will be starting my internship next week, where I will be in the clinic at my school treating patients. Passing my pre-clinical exam was a challenge in and of itself. I failed the exam twice in the past two years and studying for it and giving myself a drive of determination along with my healing has been a kick-ass challenge. I give myself a huge pat on the back for finally passing. Passing that exam has allowed me to know that I have the ability to handle anything that comes my way.
Right now, I am not undergoing any type of chemotherapy as suggested by the neuro-oncologist. I appreciate him reaching out and caring for me in the best way he knows how with the knowledge that he has. As of now I am partaking fully in oxygen therapy 5 days a week as well as continuing to stick to the ketogenic cancer diet and CBD therapy. I have not yet gone back to the hospital to partake in any more scans to see whats going on, I intend to wait until I am finished with my dilantin ween off as well as undergone 40+ oxygen sessions. Ultimately I feel the most important thing for me right now is to trust my body and give it some credit for its strength. Earlier today I wrote down my symptoms I was feeling as I undergo my final ween-off, I then reworded what I wrote to unfold my healing even further. I truly believe in the power of words. If we get stuck telling the same story over and over, it seems that we get stuck in that story and fail to drop it. I have been listening to a podcast http://asara.com/radio/ by Asara Lovejoy in relation to her book One Command. It talks about living in the quantum field and stopping negative thoughts in their tracks and re-writing DNA codes for success. Instead of hating the way I am feeling and wondering why or hating the medicine I am taking and wishing I wasn't I am learning to re-write this aspects into positive healing modalities instead When I do so I notice an immediate shift in my body.
Earlier today I started to begin writing everything I hated at the moment about how I was feeling as I was having a slight reaction to the medication ween-off, but quickly stopped myself in my tracks and re-wrote my thoughts to change them.
I feel as though I have taken the biggest bong rip of my life with weed that was coated in a psychoactive drug as well as shot up with morpheme which is numbing the pain but not the fear.
RE-WRITE:
I feel as though my body is undergoing one of the strongest most beautiful shifting and uplifting healing sessions. My body is currently flushing out every toxin and letting go of all the energy it no longer needs, and taking in the energy it does. My body is outstanding, strong and healthy! It is perfectly capable of handling its healing process. Everything that is entering my body and everything it comes into contact with has a healing effect. The medication I am currently taking is allowing my body to heal to its maximum capacity. I AM ALIVE. I AM HEALTHY. I AM STRONG. I AM.
Within 10 minutes of re-writing my thoughts, I felt my body shift and change. This aspect is still somewhat new and explorative for me, but I am fully loving every moment of my exploration. I will keep you all posted as the ween off fully completes itself.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Lonely... Alone... All One
You cannot be lonely if you love being alone with the person you are with.
~ Wayne Dyer
~ Wayne Dyer
And the New Year begins...
I think the New Year is wonderful, in the sense that the brain is relating it to a set time and way to embark upon new things and make shifts in our lives. Lately I have been wondering if time is actually "set" or not, and because of that, could a new year begin whenever we desire? I did create a new years intention, which is to unfold and understand the idea of lonely and alone, and from this to learn to unmask the joy of alone. This intention has arisen within me the past few months. I find it amazing how as soon as a thought or question arises, the universe begins to send homework to embark upon as learning and guidance. Sometimes the answer and understanding comes right off the bat and other times it continues to unfold. And occasionally, what is thought and felt to be understood will take on a different form or question later down the road. When this happens, I tend to look back and smile and think, "Wow I thought I understood, but look where I am now at a completely new a understanding." And thus life is a journey.
Miriam-Webster dictionary defines alone: separated from others, exclusive of anyone or anything else, considered without reference to any other. And lonely: being without company, cut off from others, not frequented by human beings, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation. My friend Zach and I were chatting the other night about elements of our lives that we have been discovering and creating, and suddenly the word alone, to me, became two words, 'al'one. Miriam-Webster defines alone as being separated from others but I believe, it could be further defined as realizing that being with the self is learning that the self is all one.
In the past couple months loneliness felt immensely present in my life. I ended up going to the emergency room a couple times. The first time was because of intense headaches I had been experiencing, which seemed to last for days on end and were not dissipating. It felt bittersweet that my mother was no longer out here, all of my friends seemed to be busy with their own lives and I felt frustrated unsure and alone. I wanted to be alone but I also felt sad and lonely to be alone. To me, in that moment, it seemed more delightful and ensuring to go to the hospital and have the support and encouragement of the staff, which in the moment made me feel safer and comforted. Some seem to dread going to the hospital, but for myself, going made me feel relieved and protected. It also felt securing to see that I was not the only one that was going through an ailment. I look back on this experience now in gratitude, as perhaps I may not have needed to run to the ER, but it has made me more aware of learning to embrace the beauty of aloneness and in understanding that everyone has a wonderful challenge to embark upon in many different forms. Not to say that there isn't a time and place to go to the ER when need be and to undergo my own safety, but what I have left with and think back upon from that experience is the grace of learning to find comfort, encouragement, and support from myself, and the true wonder that arises from doing so. I appreciate the hospital staff, my mom, my family, my friends and everyone that has reached out and sent me so much inspiration and support, but it is when I learn to fully unravel those aspects alone with myself, that I truly feel "all one." The ego continues to bring to me aspects of feeling lonely, and I am learning to get excited when they appear and to feel them and say hello to them and to feel gratitude because I get to learn to shift lonely into alone into all one with myself.
This being said, WOW. A year later getting a second opinion and a different outlook on where deep down, I have felt I have been this entire time, was very moving. Even though my body has known that that this was the case, there was an amazement to be looked in the eyes by a neuro-oncologist and told what I have already felt all along. I never had the intention of getting radiation or chemo-therapy, but to have him state that he thought it was best to hold off on such things as to not cause the body any further destruction, caused chills to run through my body in astounding peaceful amazement!!
He agreed with me in the outlook of what I have been experiencing in terms of headaches, seizures, and shifting in my body being associated directly with undergoing the traumatic experience of having my head, skull, brain and body effected by the biopsy. I am astounded that it is when I learn to fully embrace the challenges and become all one with alone and touch my hands to my heart and tell myself "I love you! I love everything you are, everything you have, and exactly the way you are!" that I have the neuro-oncologist look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what I have been desiring to hear. I giggle thinking that it is when I fully chose to let go of that desire and throw it to the wind, that it comes and presents itself.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Brain New Beginning : A Short Film
Thank you to Lauren Peterson, who gave me the gift of creating this video. She filmed, edited and put together this wonderful short film. More to come! Anyone who is interested in putting together their own movie and want Lauren to help feel free to check her out at http://laurenpeterson.com/
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Dear Brittany Maynard
Hello My Loved Ones, I am grateful and blessed to have you here today, taking the time to read what is written. If you are new here, feel free to check out My Journey: The Beginning or feel free to just read what you see right here. Before I entail upon telling you all about the outcome of my wonderful hospital appointment, I would like to post a copy of what came out of my fingers a couple weeks ago the day I found out about the woman named Brittany Maynard who also has been on an astounding brain tumor journey, she recently has been on the news because she has decided to end her life. Reading my own words below has unraveled even more healing for myself!
"The more you value and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to value and celebrate!"
Dear Brittany,
How can anyone decide when he or she will die? I too have been diagnosed with a tumor in my brain, that the doctors at the hospital have told me is inoperable. After the biopsy they suggested I undergo radiation/chemo treatment, for they believed the tumor could grow quickly. I have chosen not to partake in either and to live my life fully. Having to think about death everyday, as you and I do, makes us appreciate our lives here on earth every second, and that is a beautiful gift to us both.
So, why not stay here in this physical vessel of a human body until meant to leave this Earth? And what is the beauty that is brought to us by suffering? I have no idea how long the tumor has been in my brain, but I do know that I do not own it, it is not mine. It has come to me perhaps for a purpose. It is in a location that the doctors have determined makes it unsafe to remove. But are the doctors God? Ultimately even we do not decide on our life, but God or (the law of the universal response) does. Today as I sat in the hospital, instead of having the doctor be the one that dictated my choices to me and told me what my destiny would be, I said to him, "Hello, I am grateful to have you in my life. Welcome to my healing team!" I have determined that I am my own healer. I have chosen a team of healers to help me on my journey, but ultimately the journey is my own, just like your journey is your own. My choices are my own, your choices are your own.
I am grateful for the neuro-oncologist, the neurosurgeon, the neurology doctor, all the nurses, the acupuncturist, the herbalist, the CBD doctor, the energy healer. the nutritionist, the chanting/sound healer, and many other members that have been included in my team. Though each of them brings a different attribute and healing energy to my life, none of what they bring can ultimately determine what I should and should not do. No one can determine my destiny, my life, or my death. I cannot even determine that. The famous saying, "I'll believe it when I see it!" reformatted/reborn goes more like this: "I'll see it when I believe it!"
Even if you only have a short time left in this physical embodiment before you head on into the next realm, why not help others on their voyage?! You are an inspiration to the entire world Brittany! Your voice has been heard! You are not alone in being told and you are not the only one that has been told by doctors that you only have a certain amount of time left on this Earth. You are not alone in feeling physical and emotional pain. Lets stand together and help those out there also on healing quests. I truly believe life is a journey, there is no destination. Death brings us life! One thing I am immensely grateful for in this moment is being confronted by death has actually AWAKENED me to life and has turned me from who I thought I was into who I truly am. The beauty of death has brought me life! For the first time in my life all the gossip/regrets/embarrassment/judgement/ and blah blah blah has been able to fall away and has left me feeling truly awakened. Death is a constant reminder to appreciate life!
It's amazing that, at such a young age, you and I and many others are given this gift. A couple months ago, I wrote a blog post about a low moment I experienced. I saw myself as the woman on the beach with cancer who felt death sitting heavily on her shoulders. As I sat there feeling this weight, lightening came out of what seemed like nowhere--no more than 200 feet away from me--and killed two people on the beach! Just a reminder to me that death exists, and because it comes when it comes, it is time to live! Even if it's for one more day, one more month, one more year, 100 more years. We are on this Earth for as long as we are meant to be here!
Having this unexpected journey with death coming into my life has brought me a BRAIN new beginning! Thank you for your inspiration. I recognize that your life is your choice; all I ask is that you share your passion with yourself and love yourself and your life! Let the universe take you onto the next path when the universe wants to take you onto the next path and for now in your last days, years, decades here on this Earth, REJOICE!! I would love to meet you!
Love Always,
Gabrielle
Writing this letter, and now reading it as I type it into this post brings tears to my eyes. Tears of passion, love, sadness, joy, and much GRATITUDE. Re-reading and writing this letter and thinking about how quickly and passionately it came out of my fingers without me even fully "thinking" about what I was writing truly has faith that the universe and unconscious are sending myself a healing through my own words. This letter has been what is resonating with me since my last post but just to let you all know my experience at Cedar Sinai has been positive. I am grateful to add them to my team! The tumor has showed no growth. They intend to have the biopsy sample shipped from UCLA Harbor over to their lab to re-check what they see. The one thing I love thus far is the treatment they have suggested has been radiation as well as chemotherapy but they have not been pushy about it and told me that they respect whatever I chose. The neuro-oncologist even noted that he thinks CBD therapy can be helpful. Here I am right now feeling LOVE LOVE LOVE. This moment is wonderful.
 |
| I give myself permission! |
One link to Brittany's Story:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/29/cancer-patient-brittany-maynard-scheduled-to-die-saturday-checked-last-item-on-bucket-list/
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