Faith and Fear

Hello my dear friends, I know it has been a while since I posted an update in this blog. The past couple months have been an intense part of my voyage.  However I am truly starting to notice that intensity and challenge in my life are bringing me into the beauty of true self-reflection and light. If you are new to reading my blog, welcome!!  I recommend you start by clicking on my 2013 November post (My Journey: The Beginning) and go from there.  If you have already been following my posts thank you for waiting, even though I have not posted in a while and have been exploring, unfolding, and peeling away challenging aspects of myself that have arisen, I have felt your love energy and support throughout the journey, and for that I am grateful.

It has now been about six months since my scooter accident which led me to my brain discovery, and five months since I underwent the biopsy.  I have been seeing many healing doctors who have been helping me immensely on my path.  At the end of February I underwent a follow-up MRI to take a look at what was going on, at which point it had been exactly three months since the biopsy.  A huge weight of fear and anxiety was lifted off my chest when the result showed that there has been ZERO growth!!

ZERO growth is amazing and the fact that fear and anxiety were lifted is amazing! What else is amazing is how the human brain likes to resort directly back into the way things were sometimes, however I believe that is not a capability as we cannot ever fully go back to the way exactly anything was. At the time I looked at no growth as a "phew" maybe this is nothing and never was anything and I can go back to being who I was before and not worry anymore.  Taking that outlook caused me to find fear and pain and more worry. The outlook that I feel now, which has developed throughout my challenges faced over the couple months since this, is that yes its okay to not worry anymore and to release emotion and feel happiness, but to look at this as an awakening to a new beginning and a new path. Rather than trying to escape and resort back to my old "easy" path that I should fully embrace the new one that has presented itself and allow the opening of the windows and doors to my voyage of healing and exploring my body in more ways than just focusing on the brain tumor. However perhaps I was meant to explore my old self in exactly that way in order to see this outlook.

A little while ago one of Swami Satchidananda's cards fell into my fingers which read, "Let total love, universal love, emanate from within."Meaning,"The more you think of your problems the deeper you'll go into them.  Its as if you are meditating on them, which is like pouring gasoline onto a fire.  If you pour love on hate, thats like pouring water onto fire.  Put in new, constructive ideas, and let those ideas take the place of mental fixations.  That's the spiritual way, the yogic approach.  If you hate somebody, instead of trying to find ways to get out of that hatred, just ignore it and try to love.  Think of love, love, love and the hatred will go away, automatically.  With regular practice of both physical and mental Yoga, you can easily overcome challenges in life, instead of worrying about them and constantly thinking about them." 
~ Swami Satchidananda 

Reading this card and feeling its presence helped me suddenly take a step back away from myself to realize the massive amounts of gasoline I had been pouring onto my fire.  It was time to start pouring water and love onto my fire and letting it melt away instead of creating bigger flames within my life.  Below I have included a bit from my journal that is one of the aspects that has made me consciously aware of the power that our mind has over our body.  And since our mind will always remain, instead of letting it pour gasoline onto our fires, how about learning how to create water of love to help guide our soul and wash away our troubles.

April 25, 2014 (Journal)

In the past couple months there has been a darkness looming over my soul. I am ready to let the light shine in; right now I am working on learning how to reach within to understand how to open that door. I was feeling strong, happy, healthy and well, when suddenly one day I awoke and started feeling numbness in my left arm and hand. Immediately my "monkey brain" began to take over and began to dump thought after thought into my mind of what this numbness could possibly mean, my greatest fear being my tumor taking over my body!  From the numbness I began to feel other pains including 3rd eye pain, shortness of breath, a tight chest and so forth and so on... It's amazing to me to think that before the scooter accident and before being in and out of the hospital for two months on medication and having my skull and brain cut into, that I felt healthy without a symptom at all that related to the experience I am in right now.  So how has this physical and emotional struggle implanted itself into my body and how do I release it and let it go? 

Not too long after experiencing the left arm numbness, which turned into shoulder pain, did I discover with the help of Dr. Benny Lin that this was solely related to my broken shoulder which still had some healing left to do. However, just the thought of the idea of death arising within my mind caused me to begin my intense thoughts about mortality. Where do we come from? What happens when we die? Where do we go? How is time passing so quickly? Why are my parents and family growing older? Thought after thought began to arise and scramble around in my mind causing a rave of emotion and tiredness which began to consume my brain, heart and soul.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine we talk about the "running piglet syndrome "which in western medicine is known as a panic attack.  It can be felt in the stomach area and runs up to the chest, interfering with the heart and chest causing palpitations, anxiety, fear and/or dizziness. I suddenly realized exactly what this term meant, as what felt like a piglet ran in circles around my belly and chest upsetting everything in sight. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, palpitations, sadness and depression started to kick in.  I was lying on the floor in pain having the first MAJOR panic attack of my life, crying so hard my body was shaking and in pain, my chest felt knotted and my lungs felt closed.  I was awakened to the effect that emotion has on our body physically and how it effects every part of our being.  The emotion caused my my entire physical body to begin feeling pain.  I began feeling pain in my neck, my shoulders, my legs, my chest, my eyes, and so forth and so on.  I then started dumping more oil on my fire by allowing my "monkey brain" to take over by trying to tell my real brain that all the pain I was experiencing from emotion was actually not emotion at all but that I was dying. 

But, like everything and like Swami's words above, I am realizing now that I was creating even more pain within my body by feeding my pain with more pain, created by emotion.  So I now look upon going through this emotional experience as a form of releasing my emotion and hatred and learning to recognize myself (THE SELF) so that I can know how to create love and flowing energy within my body, like water, so that I can create for my soul true healing, openness, and growth.  

A couple weeks ago, my friend Lana opened the doorway a second time for me to checking out the Benjamin Center: Cancer Support Community.  The first time she opened this door I was not keen to the idea at the time and this time I was, and what an amazing support community that came into my life exactly at the right time!!  Its incredible how when we are ready to open the door, it will open. There are many classes and lectures being offered there; also I have been assigned to a once a week support group as well as individual counseling.  One word and visualization that I created during my one on one counseling was SELF-REFLECTION as well as fear.  I have found that part of this journey I am on is a continuous concept of having to look at myself in the mirror, which I have done in the past, but the difference I feel this time is, I cannot put the mirror down, I must face the fear that I see before me and release it.  

By no mistake right around this time of facing FEAR and what it truly is, I picked another Swami Satchidananda card which read to me:  "Faith and fear do not go together."Meaning,"Fear isn't going to help you in any way. Fear makes the mind lose all its strength. Remember, even to have fear, you must have faith in your fear. You have faith in your fear, and thats why you are afraid.  But you should know that fear isn't going to bring you any benefit. Faith and fear don't go together. Either you have faith, or you have fear. You know that you're alive now. Why don't you enjoy the now, rather than worry about the future?  Enjoy both getting and losing. So, if you know the ultimate truth, theres no reason to fear. Don't let that fear come near you at any time. Lean to live in the golden present." ~ Swami Satchidananda 

Everything in this card is resonating with me especially his words about "You know that you're alive now!" WOW.  Seems so simple, but sometimes it takes the simplicity of just seeing that or saying that everyday for me to release the fear of death, or any other fear that is weighing upon me.  Having Swami's card in my hand presented to me more than just something to read, but I felt a new light of courage entire my soul.  There was another occurrence that came to me and enlightened and shifted my path;  one of the days I felt flooded by my tears, laying on the floor, I sensed my body shift and roll onto my hands and knees as I faced the window and cried.  I became conscious of being in a prayer position, reaching out towards the universe the best way I knew how.  I prayed to Swami Satchidananda, the Universe, Buddha, God, whatever higher power was out there.  And the next day, on Sunday I found myself at a church called St. Marks, up the street.

 I have not been to a church like this in a long long time.  The sermon that day at church was specifically about fear.  I felt in this moment that there was something out there, that was listening to me and perhaps I have spent a lot of time not wanting to or knowing how to ask for help.  The bible verse Matthew 7:7 suddenly became clear to me "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." I had been feeling stuck in a stage of "I can't and don't know what to do." I kept saying this to my mother, and I will never forget her response one day which is similar to the bible verse; she said to me, "instead of saying 'I can't' I want you to ask 'How?'"  From this moment forward thanks to my mother and the universe for helping, I am learning to to ask for help as well as shifting my I cant's to How? 

End of April I was called down to Florida to have an appointment with a well known neurology doctor, Dr. David Perlmutter. He is a western doctor who appreciates and integrates eastern medicine into his practice.  He has written many books, including The Grain Brain, which is the one I have been reading and following the nutritional outlook from within.  I had been on Perlmutter's wait list for a while, so when I was called to come see him at the end of April it was a joy to make the trip down.  An "expensive" joy!  

My father met me down there on Easter Sunday and the appointment with Perlmutter was the next day.  I decided to stay an extra few days to visit a dear friend, Kate, who lived nearby in Fort Myers as well as end my trip with Danielle DiVittorio, the amazing friend and woman who went above and beyond to start the GoFundMe website, which raised an incredible amount of money without me even knowing, which has truly helped me on the beginning of this journey.  Dr. Perlmutter's visit was a very expensive yet an extensive and helpful session which gave me beautiful insight onto my path and assistance with my healing direction and decisions.  Perlmutter's visit was incredible, but what has resinated within my soul the most from this trip to Florida was spending Easter with my father, as we explored the beauty of Florida as well as enjoyed fully the beauty of each other.  I am gifted and grateful to have an incredible man in my life, who is my father, an amazing healer, and a true friend! Its amazing how LOVE, respect and our family can be the most incredible medicine our body takes in, and the extra spoonful of medicine on top was the beauty of nature that florida offered!

After saying goodbye to my father, it was another burst of happiness in my soul to be able to wrap my arms around Kate Mohr as well as Danielle DiVittorio and physically feel the love I have for both of these amazing women.  Kate is an incredible friend that even though I only met her in California, three months before she moved back to Florida, she is a lifelong friend.  And spending my last three days in florida with Danielle was incredible! It has been a long time since I have seen her face in person, and it was lovely to bond together and spend time side by side like no time had even passed!!  She goes above and beyond for others and works for an organization which raises money and helps others and foundations around the world.

Since getting back to California, some of the self-reflection emotions have unfolded even more greatly.  I was faced with the idea of FAITH and FEAR full on the day I arrived back, as if a high power was asking me directly, "Do you have complete faith in healing yourself?"  The next day I ended up at Dr. Hua-Bing Wen's office in Beverly Hills.  He is a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist who has a specialty in oncology.  He also teaches herbal formulas at my university.  Although I never had him as a teacher at my school, I am paying for his full on teaching now.  He has put me at ease immensely with his treatment as well as formula.  One of his words of wisdom to me is, to have full faith in what I am doing, no matter what it is. To take that a step further, his words, combined with words from the Cancer Center, St. Marks Church, as well as other self-reflections along the way, have left me with this mantra of: Whatever you pick to have faith in is up to you, but whatever it is, have it be full on faith in what you chose. Sometimes along the way our faith may change and that is okay but we must have full faith in the new direction we chose to take. I have started working with Dr. Wen and I have full faith that his medicinal treatments are the best choice for my body to be healed and this experience working with him is an incredible awakening to the capacity that herbs and acupuncture have on our bodies.  

Master Zhou

I have also started getting treatments from Master Zhou again! And wow!  I will write a blog shortly solely  discussing my treatments with this man, as they are incredible!  I have full faith in the power of the hot healing energy coming out of his hands and into my body to create a newfound healing experience!  And another treatment which I have not yet mentioned that I have recently started on is CBD Oil therapy!  I am working with an incredible healer from Washington State with his cannabinoid treatment plan.  I am currently on day ten of taking the oils.  If anyone is more interested fully in knowing more about this treatment, below are links to a few article, and feel free to email me to get the information for the man I am working with.  The CBD oil treatment helps heal more than just cancer!!

Life is incredible! I am learning to embrace where I am right now, because this is where I am for a reason and I am alive!  Who knows how long this healing journey I have embarked on will take but I am learning to enjoy the ride.  When we reach our destination it is time for the next journey.  Thats how life seems to work. Michael Allen's words say it best, "Many are so focused on a destination they fail to see and appreciate what lies in between.  They drive to their destination and see nothing on the way.  Imagine all they are missing.  Even when they arrive, they fail to appreciate where they are, being too caught up in wanting to be somewhere else again."  Here I am on my healing journey of life, working each day towards fully appreciating what I am taking part in each day and seeing along the way!  I am here to enjoy the ride!!

Lastly, I am overcoming my fear to ask for help and would love as much financial support as well as healing energy sent my way as you all can! Below is a link to my updated GoFundMe page.  This journey in my life has been an incredibly challenging, life changing journey that I know is being sent to me by the universe for a reason, and will help me become an amazing healer, who can give back as well as pay forward.  The financial help that was given to me through the help of Danielle DiVittorio and all of you helped launch and support the beginning of my healing path.  With the sincere hope that my journey can continue to be as smooth as possible and that I can continue to seek out the appropriate help that I need, anything else that you can send my way would be greatly appreciated.

Here is a link to my updated GoFundMe page: 

https://www.gofundme.com/help-heal-the-healer-gabrielle

Dr. Wen:

http://www.wenacupuncture.com/

Dr. Perlmutter:

http://www.drperlmutter.com/

Dr. Zhou:

http://www.masterzhou.com/

Dr. Paul Olko

Green Lake Healing Center

http://www.greenlakehealing.com/

CBD (Cannabinoid):

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/12088.php

http://www.chicagonow.com/chicago-medical-marijuana/2013/11/cannabidiol-the-side-of-marijuana-you-dont-know/

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/05/07/charlottes-web-cannabis-oil-showing-great-results-for-girl/#.U2v8M03LGYk.twitter

Article for Yo San University

Article for Yo San 
University (Learning Point Newsletter)

Written by: Gabrielle Olko
The following covers some of what you all have already read, but written in an enhanced light, as well as entailing new aspects of my journey.  I was asked by Yo San University (my college) to write an article for their online newsletter.  Thank you Yo San! What an honor. 

My journey that I am currently on has guided me to look inward to discover how my path in life has led me to where I am.  Sometimes we do not understand why certain challenges approach us along the way; but I believe they happen to us for a reason to lead us to where we are meant to be.  It has taken me a while to understand the importance of being in the moment. I have found the importance is to not wish my life away or into the future and to remind myself each and everyday to embrace the journey I am in and on right in this very moment.

Four years ago, in February I broke my wrist and was cooped up at my home in Virginia, in snowstorm after snowstorm, waiting for interviews to come my way after I had applied to be a teacher at several elementary schools.  I had just received my teaching certificate as well as a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education from James Madison University.  I had been working in a long-term substitute position in a second grade classroom; but after my wrist was broken, I started filling the position of lying on my couch. Several weeks passed by and suddenly one day I woke up and felt as though it was time to lift myself up and search inward and outward to continue to unfold my life journey.  I found out about a Life Coaching Certification Workshop being held in Los Angeles at Yo San University, which was being led by Dr. Maoshing Ni (one of the brothers who founded Yo San) as well as Phillip Christman. I felt as though this would be an amazing opportunity to find my life guidance as well as help guide others as well as be able to explore the coast of California before I came back and committed fully to becoming a teacher. This experience served as a catalyst to the journey I am now on. Three months later I filled out my application to attend Yo San University and began looking for a new place to live.  It's amazing how an injury can lead us in a new direction for a reason.

That fall, I was a brand new student at Yo San University beginning to pursue what, at the time, I believed was just a masters degree and license in acupuncture.  What I have learned four years later is that the journey at this school is much more than just receiving a new profession, but that it is a voyage inward and outward to discovering our own self, body, mind and soul.  I have created relationships with fellow students, teachers, supervisors, masters, and employees that I will treasure throughout my lifetime. There have been challenges that have arisen along the way, and times that I have wanted to fight against what I have been working hard towards, as well as moments where school has seemed to be on the bottom of my list in life.  But what I have noticed is that along the way I am always drawn back in to the energetic and beautiful safe haven I like to call school.

On my first day of school at orientation, Dr. Maoshing Ni told us a story about a patient of his that was diagnosed with a stage 4 melanoma brain cancer.  The doctors at the hospital gave her three months left to live.  She came to Dr. Mao's office in tears and in fright of her approaching death.  His advice to her was to do all the treatments that she could, but to look within and do what fit her soul the most. She exclaimed to Dr. Mao that her soul wanted to go swim with the dolphins in Hawaii.  So off she went, and three months later after swimming in the beautiful ocean with the dolphins at her side, the sun shining on her body, and connecting with the medicine of nature, she had forgotten she even had a tumor in her brain at all.  When she got back her MRI results showed, to everyone's surprise, that the tumor was almost gone! Its amazing how impactful the healing of nature can be on our body when we connect with it as well as allow our body to relax, and to let go of over-thinking and over-emotion and just live.  This story has resonated with me throughout the past four years, but was immediately awakened within me in a new light over the past six months and has helped me throughout my own recent health journey of my own brain, and given me courage and a deeper insight about life.  I look back to the first day of school and this story in amazement and how it deeply connects to where I am now. Throughout the past four years of school I have compared myself to other fellow students, felt rushed to to finish and get into clinic at the same time as those I started with as well as wanting to hurry to get a professional job and start making money in what I thought of as the "real world," wishing away my time at school.  One thing I have been awakened to in the past six months has been that each of our experiences in life are our own personal journey and we are exactly where we are meant  to be right now for a reason.

This past October, I was involved in a scooter accident, where I was immediately taken to the ER.  My main injury was located in my left shoulder, but they performed multiple tests on me to make sure that no other body parts had been affected in the accident.  Because of the location of the broken shoulder being located near the spine, they decided to run a CAT scan to make sure my head had not been injured at all.  To their surprise as well as mine, there was fogginess presented on the CAT scan, which led them to performing a full MRI scan. Thirteen hours later, at the end of the day when they found that I did not have health insurance, I was released out on my own and told by them that I had a broken humerus bone in my shoulder and a cancerous tumor in my brain.  Two days later, I was accepted into the public hospital where I embarked on a new chapter in my education of viewing and becoming fully immersed into aspects of how the western medical system works.  During my first eight days there, I underwent extensive pain killers, two more MRI scans, a spinal tap, as well as an EEG scan. These extra tests were performed to rule out any other possibility of what was seen on the scan before deciding where to go next.  I lay in the hospital hoping that what was there was a glitch in the system or a silly mistake.  The evening the doctors came into my office to sit down with me and tell me their diagnosis of the results, was one of the greatest challenges I have experienced.  They explained to me that the tumor presented was in my left temporal and frontal lobe area in my brain and seemed to be a grade 2 glioma.  They also let me know that this type of tumor was a form of malignant cancer and the best thing to do next would be to undergo a biopsy to determine the exact type, location, and size of the tumor.  I barely heard anything else that they said afterwards because my physical body seemed to collapse into a pile of emotion. Shortly after I was released from the hospital for the next ten days before returning to undergo my scheduled biopsy.

During the ten days before returning to the hospital, I made acupuncture appointments at my school with Dr. Wing as well as appointments at the Tao of Wellness with Dr. Maoshing Ni.  Dr. Wing was one of my teachers at Yo San as well as an incredible practitioner there, whom I had never actually scheduled an appointment with yet until then.  When I went in for a treatment with him, I felt a spiritual bond to him and his healing, which I have realized served and is still serving a purpose, and was brought to me exactly at that time for a reason.  Before my first treatment with him that day, as soon as I walked into the University, I felt a new love and safety there, like I had never felt before. I had no idea that students at school had started a fundraiser for me in the bookstore to assist me on my journey.  I stopped in my tracks, in tears, when I saw what they had done; not because of the money but because of all the support, love and healing energy that was being sent my way from my Yo San family.  Even new students at the school and patients whom I had never met were reaching out to me.  I suddenly realized, as I mentioned earlier, that sometimes the greatest love is directly in front of us and around us all along, and we tend to be avidly searching ahead and in the future, that we forget to embrace the moment and where we are.  I realized the feelings along the way of comparing myself to other students or wishing away my time at Yo San, so that I could graduate and work already, is what was causing me to lose the shining beauty of the greatest lesson in life of accepting and loving exactly where I am.

The accident happened midway through the fall semester of my fourth year, so I ended up having to drop out of the "official" classes I was taking that semester in school and drop into learning about my own body and health. This experience has opened my mind to healing and acupuncture as well as the human body, in an even greater sense than I have ever known.  This has been the most challenging yet most meaningful "elective" course I have taken in my life.  Suddenly what I had been learning at school all along, was now unfolding in a new light.  Right before this occurrence happened I was extremely busy cramming and studying to take the pre-clinical exam, so that this spring I could have began my internship in the clinic at Yo San University.  I did not end up taking the exam, but what I have realized is, that the universe has brought to me something else first, which is the importance of looking inward and healing, loving and protecting myself before reaching out to and healing others.

On November 13th, I re-entered back into the public hospital to begin my biopsy process.  I kept going back and forth as to if it was even necessary for me to go through this process at all.  I realize now that although perhaps it was not necessary, as no decision is set in stone and everyone has a different aspect of why they are drawn to undergoing certain things for a reason, I feel as though choosing to undergo this challenge for myself has given me many meaningful lessons about life, one of which is appreciating the small things in life that we tend to take for granted each day and feeling grateful for the time we have here on earth and how precious each moment is for us.  I awoke from the biopsy with half of my head bald, and 43 metal staples holding my scalp together.  What I truly woke up to had nothing to do with the baldness or staples at all, but was the joy I felt of being alive.  I felt awakened by the presence of my breath coming in and flowing out and felt a smile spread over my face and into my body filling me with gratitude, vibration, energy and love connecting to the universe, myself and the people in my life.

After coming home from the hospital the second time, I succumbed my body completely into acupuncture and chinese medicine to help speed up and assist my recovery from the biopsy, the immense amount of medication still in my system, as well my broken shoulder (which they had told me it would take me at least six months to be able to reach my hand up to the sky).  I started undergoing treatments with another amazing acupuncturist and tuina specialist who is also a teacher at Yo San University, Dr. Benny Lin.  Dr. Lin has been giving me incredible treatments. Within one month I was able to reach my arm up to the stars.  I also continued my treatments with Dr. Wing and Dr. Mao.  The energy at Benny Lin's office, as well as at Yo San University Clinic and the Tao of Wellness put me at complete ease and created within me a feeling of being calm, relaxed and nurtured.  As the New Year rolled in, so did my healing and I began to feel inspired to open new doorways of light into my life.  One of my New Years resolutions was to begin to take singing lessons.  The vocal vibration led to an even greater healing arising within my being.  I started to become grateful for the little friend within my brain.  One morning I awoke with the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" in my mind, and I felt drawn to sing this at Yo San University's Chinese New Years celebration as a surprise, in front of my father the student body, teachers, Mao and Dao Shing Ni, as well guests from the outside to thank and give back some of the immense amount of love and healing that has been sent my way.

Dr. Dao & Mao Shing Ni (in the background)

I could already feel and still feel the power of this Chinese New Years 2014 Year of the Horse.  Dr. Mao explained at the celebration that starting on January 31st the year of the horse began which this year also has presented the elements of wood and fire.  He spoke of the year of the Horse is 2014 symbolizing momentum and movement.  He explained the importance of having a clear purpose and well-defined direction in our endeavor because then the momentum of the year will carry us the distance.  We can accomplish much this year.  He also explained how containing our impulsiveness is important otherwise many confrontations and challenges will stand in the way. It is important for us to learn to ride and steer our horse so that we do not end up out of control and lose too much as a result.  The fact that it is already April and the momentum and movement of this year has already begun leads me to understand more deeply how present the horse is this year.

 I have also been focusing on learning to ride the horse in the best way I can, as challenges and confrontations at times have started to present themselves.  I think recognizing this has made it more helpful to when challenges seem to arise to step back and be able to understand how to ride the horse.  One clear purpose and defined direction which arose for myself was being able to face my fears, one of them being to sing in front of everyone at the Chinese New Years celebration.  It has began this year for myself with a greater courage in being able to breath in courage and breath out fear as it comes my way.

Since the New Years Celebration I have underwent one follow up MRI to check on my tumor.  A fear that began to arise for me when undergoing this MRI was the idea "It must be gone!" or the fear "what if it has grown?" After viewing the results which showed that it was exactly the same and there has been nothing different.  I have begun to look inward and realize that the most important thing is to continue what I have been working on of, accepting myself exactly where I am and embracing and loving who I am in this current moment.  I felt that it was important to continue to be healthy, heal myself and explore my body in a beautiful way, but to remember to accept and love myself and that where I am and what I am doing in this moment are extraordinary and important. I smile and feel at peace when I remember the story of the woman who swam with the dolphins and connected with nature and the moment and forgot and let go of what was creating her negative emotions and dis-ease.  Today I feel healthy, and happy and excited to continue on my path of healing myself and healing others, as well as embracing the little friend that has been given to me in my brain.  I am consistently learning and practicing how to relax and quiet my mind and open my heart. My journey throughout my life, at Yo San as well as throughout this experience has lead me on the true path of healing.

Love Surrounds Us

G'day mates! If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post My Journey: The Beginning and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.

A few days ago I took a one night trip up to Ojai to visit the river and campout for the night and head to the beach in Ventura and surf in the morning.  The night we set up our campsite was the same day that our clocks were set ahead one hour.  As the moon rose we could feel the magical energy of the universe in the air.  The moon seemed like a bright light shining down upon us and the clouds were like large vertebra streaked across the sky.

The next morning I woke up to a conference of birds.  They had so much to say that Monday morning, as the sun rose over the mountain.  There were so many different kinds of birds chirping the sunlight into the day.  This one night campout was a mini trip with a new friend.  I enjoy having a new friend in my life that helps cultivates the lessons in life I am learning about myself, relationships, friendships, the universe, and our lives.  There have been times that I would get nervous to bring new people into my life in a fully trusting way.  But one aspect of building a new friendship I am learning to look into is that as long as I am continuing to embrace and love myself as well as not neglecting my time alone, and sustaining to seek out my journey of education, life and healing; that it is wonderful to include others in our lives and sustain old friendships and create new ones, as long as we also include a deep relationship with ourself inside and out.  We must also recognize that similar to the challenges that arise within us in our relationship with ourself, there was also challenges that arise in our friendships, and as long as they unfold into a deeper and stronger positive growth we are on a beautiful path.

After the birds woke me up in the morning, I decided to go for a walk, following  the stream.  As I walked, I saw stone after stone after stone that was in the shape of a heart. I was amazed and enthralled. It instilled into me that nature is a true healer and a master of sending us life changing messages, if we can open our eyes, ears, heart and soul to whats directly around us. We tend to overlook what lies right in front of us, by always seeking and searching out whats ahead and in the future.  Seeing heart shaped stones everywhere, was a reminder to me that love is everywhere surrounding us and to embrace being in the moment and feel that the love within and around us is the true beauty in life.  We must not spend our whole life wishing the moment away, seeking out love and happiness from others, or from a different house, or a different job, or a significant other etc...We must appreciate and be grateful for the love we have for ourselves, the beauty and love that nature gives to us and standing in the moment.  Life is beautiful.

On the way back from my walk, I saw a pine tree that was cut.  I started to count the rings of the tree. The tree was about the same age as my father, which caused me to remember that it was my father that taught me about counting the age of trees and about survival in nature, as well as cherishing what nature offers to us.

Its amazing how we may not always think about what was instilled upon us in our youth and how powerful our childhood is in the way we are effected as we grow older.  We may learn from it that we must seek out a different light than the one that was shown upon us as children, and/or we may also learn to brighten the light that has been with us all along.  My father truly has shown the light of the guidance of nature being our true healer and true teacher upon me.

"Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Spinning Vortex of Energy

      Happy Year of the Horse! It's been a while since my last post and I have been looking forward to sharing the shifting and unfolding of my journey.  If you are new to reading my blog I recommend that you start by clicking on my 2013 November post My Journey: The Beginning and go from there. If you have already been following my posts here we go! I am so grateful to have all of you here with me.

"Eventually, it is the painful events that stir some of us to become self-reflective. We must look at pain in its positive light as a selection of reality that can aid our self-cultivation." (Michael A. Allen - Tao of Surfing)

This being said, the past month has been one of the most painful, most challenging parts of my journey so far. I never would have predicted this outcome, which is part of why I have been working on one of my daily mantras of having no attachments and no expectations, and continuing to embrace each moment in each day. Also I have been working on relating with what Allen says about surrendering to our pain and embracing it in a positive light. It is when we fight against being in pain that we spiral even further downwards; and it is when we surrender to pain that we can truly look inwards and see the light.

          On Thursday January 30th I had my first neurology check-up appointment since I left the hospital, which I know I didn't necessarily NEED to do, but something in my body told me to go ahead and go. The purpose for going I can see and feel now was a life lesson in human interaction. That day I felt as though I accidentally shared too much information with the head neurology doctor who came into my check up office. I had never met him before until then. I felt in the moment angry as though he pushed and shoved anger onto me for several reasons including the fact I had decided not to start radiation and also felt as though he criticized my dieting and herbal approach, as well as put down much of the western advice that was given to me by the neurosurgeons and the medical team that had been with me throughout my hospital stay.  I also felt as though I had made the mistake of sharing more information with him than was necessary, but it had already been done and I could not take it back.

          As soon as I got back from an alarming day I wrote an email to Dr. Mao Shing Ni (my main practitioner) asking his advice on clearing negative energy. In the beginning of my email I wrote "I was in tears and in fear and emotional and angry from the hospital. It's been six hours now, since I left and my body still feels numb and my eyes and lungs and heart and I'm sure other organs hurt from crying and upset."  Dr. Mao's response was healing and at ease and the words that he wrote have stuck with me and been an important lesson are,

"Certainly I believe that at the end of the day all your caregivers east or west have the best intentions for you.  You might focus on taking the best from each of your healers...Whatever you do work on staying calm and not angry. Work on forgiveness and gratefulness."  

Dr. Mao Shing Ni

Thanks to Dr. Mao I have learned from this that it is good not to be resentful towards Western doctors (or towards anyone for that matter), and just to know...they are coming from a mindset which they have practiced their whole life and although it may not be exactly the same mindset as the path I am currently on in my own healing, that it is more peaceful and at ease for me to feel gratitude and delight from their overall support, because they ARE trying to help me in the way they know best! Dr. Mao has been a part of my life since before I became a student at Yo San University, which is the school that was created by his brother Dr. Dao Shing Ni and himself. Dao and Mao have taken over the Tao of Wellness clinic, which was created by their father Master Hua Ching Ni in 1976. Master Hua Ching Ni is the heir to the wisdom transmitted through an unbroken succession of 74 generations of masters dating back to the Han dynasty (206 BCE - 220 CE).  While I was in the hospital I had a memory of  their father being at our family's home in Virginia when I was a child. My father practices Chinese Medicine and Tuina massage, so I wondered if in fact this memory actually happened.  I asked my father and he responded that yes Master Hua Ching Ni did visit at our home when I was nine years old.  He came to Charlottesville, Virginia to do a conference and asked my father (who was a student of his) to sponsor him.  Before the guests arrived at the teatime/scheduled meeting at our house I came up to my dad and complained about being hungry.  My father told me that Master Hua Ching Ni looked at me and smiled and said told me to go eat.  My fathers life message from this simple interaction was to not let your children need endless favors and to run your life and that at nine years old I was capable of creating and helping myself to what my body needed. The same message seems to linger with me now; the importance of listening to our own bodies and healing ourselves and seeking out the information we need and letting go of the advice and energy we don't need.  I also feel that Master Hua Ching Ni did more than just tell me to eat.  There is a beautiful reason that I have ended up without even knowing studying acupuncture at the school created by his two sons and that Dr. Mao has been helping me on my journey of healing and learning about my body.  This journey of looking inward and opening up to what my own body is presenting to me is strengthening me and creating in me the courage and strength to be able to give back to others and create a ripple so we can all connect to ourselves and to others and heal.

           The next challenge in my journey arose during my final ween off the medication I was prescribed at the hospital. I started my ween off before Christmas and planned to do it slowly over a process of two months as to have the least amount of side effects as possible. The first day of zero medication was on February 5th, 2014, the day after my father arrived for a week long visit. Within forty eight hours of being on zero medication, a series of events began to occur which I truly believe were a combination of detoxing the medication fully out of my system, my brain registering what it has been through on its own in the past few months with no sedative, a small sinus infection, and most importantly the universe sending me a beautiful lesson on the importance of the life we live and how we chose to live it. On that day I received an acupuncture treatment which made me feel like I was in hypnosis, having an outer body experience.  After the treatment I thought to myself:  Is life a dream? Are we all just bits of energy?!  My brain felt like it was vibrating and pulsating.  I felt afraid but wanted to feel confident and at peace and that what I was feeling was the tumor releasing itself from my brain and body.  I felt tingling intense vibrations coming from inside of my skull, a feeling I had never felt before in my entire life.  That days experience felt unreal, and as the days continued I felt as though I didn't even know what was real anymore.  The dictionary says that real is what genuinely exists and unreal is what genuinely does not exist; but how do we know what exists and what does not exist and does that even matter? What I did feel and what did matter was I was alive, I was breathing in and out, I was grateful for the sun rising and the beauty around me.

 I am very grateful that we planned to have the ween off end exactly when my father was visiting.  I felt more safe having him there as I was going through the feelings of intense physical vibration as well as feeling as though my soul was detached from my body. February 7th and 8th were the two most challenging and difficult days during which felt like I was having a sensation of going through a very very bad trip on hard drugs. The full time period lasted about nine days.  I felt and saw death right in from of my eyes, not in the same way as I experienced seeing a tunnel of light right before waking up from a biopsy, but in a fearful way of detachment. I saw my father and felt my mother and my grandmother and my entire family in front of me and knew that one day we would all die on this earth in this life and I felt confused, afraid and disturbed.  I looked at my father as tears streamed down my face and asked, "Why are we born and alive if we are just going to die?" My father looked me in the eyes and said to me "we are born to give." Father, thank you for being in my life. You haven given to me for the past 30 years and for this I am grateful! Having him here by my side during the toughest part of my journey so far was an incredible gift.

          The day before my father left we celebrated Chinese New Years at my school.  I kept the performance a secret from my father as well as Dr. Mao and everyone else. About a month prior to this I woke up one morning with the message in my mind to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" as a way to thank Dr. Mao and Dao, everyone at my school, and my father, as well as to overcome and smile at fear by singing in front of everyone. The song was given to me by something else in the universe, because I do not remember taking the time out to think of what to sing. It just appeared to me, and the words in this song were amazing and spot on to the journey of life. Below is the video of our Practice right before the performance. I will post a video of the performance as soon as its available.  Myself and a fellow student and friend Alec Bridges sang and performed beautifully.  It still feels like it was a dream. Dreams really do come true!!

This experience helped me unfold even further the words of Ed Sullivan (my teacher and qi-gong healer), "breathe in courage, exhale fear...breathe in courage, exhale fear."  It was on this that I was able to release fighting and fear from the symptoms and sensations I was feeling, and although I continued to feel pulsations I started to embrace and learn from them, creating beautiful growth in my atmosphere.  Its amazing how in each blog post I have gone through a chapter of feeling as though I am being reborn and it makes me know that this could be a life long process and that there are always challenges ahead, but the more we can surrender to them, feel them and embrace them, the greater the unfold of our rebirth out of them may be.

On February 12th, 2014 I woke up in tears as my rebirth continued and I was feeling a connection to being in a SPINNING VORTEX OF ENERGY which I believe comes from my surrender and acceptance of death and the fear of death.  I felt as though I had spent the past thirty years as a caterpillar, the past four months in a cocoon and the past seven days breaking out of a cocoon, and now slowly slowly transforming into the woman I am. That day I spent two hours on the rooftop in the sunshine soaking the sun into my mind, body and soul. I was on the phone with my mother appreciating her entirely into my life.  Suddenly we got cut off, I tried to call her back and it went straight to her voice-mail.  She then called me back and explained that when we got cut suddenly for no reason and out of nowhere (that we no of that is) came on loud and clear the Cinderella song with words something like this:

A dream is a wish your heart makes, 

when you're fast asleep.

In dreams you will lose your heartaches, 

whatever you wish for you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday, 

your rainbow will come smiling through.

No matter how your heart is grieving,

 if you keep on believing, 

the dream that you wish will come true.

I felt a flying and fluttering sensation so, I went and got a massage and a body-scrub, it was amazing! I still felt like I was on drugs but without the negative side effects, my body felt in sync with the universal vibrations and spinning Energy.  My friend Zach Rosenberg came and picked me up from my massage and we decided to go to the beach. The ocean and sunset were calling. We pulled up near the ocean and what do you know but we found a free parking spot right there next to the water. WOW!! In Venice Beach I have never seen this, ever!

The sunset was incredible and the water of the ocean felt warmer than it had been in a long time.  Two days prior to this the ocean was cold and rough, and so was my body and brain, and the day after the air was so foggy just like my life, brain, body and mind. And on this day on the 12th of February the sun was shining, the air was warm and nature was beautiful and so was the warm current in the ocean which triggered the fog. In that moment my life, body, soul, heart and mind felt warmth.  Its amazing how connected we are to the energy of nature and the universe and it seems that when we fight against it we feel the most anguish and spiral out of its energy and off course. There will always be challenging, frightening, angering, saddening, worrying and tough situations that are presented, but learning how to surrender to them and embrace feeling angry or afraid and letting the elemental feelings flow over and through us like the ocean or a river flows is the best path to connect and grow from them and be one with the universe.

          After feeling the oceans energy we decided it was time to eat some food. We walked to a restaurant nearby. As we were walking towards the doorway right next door to the place we were going to eat at was a man locking up a door, who turned and looked me straight in the eyes, twinkling at me and said, "I felt you're energy before you even approached, it is awesome. How would you like to come upstairs with your friend and take a look at all of the vintage clothing? I will sell you whatever you want for $5" Zach and I smiled at each other and up the stairs we followed this man.  Sure enough the clothes upstairs in a room the size of a giant dressing room were silky, very old, and amazingly heavenly. While playing around up there, Zach went to go check on the car. While he was gone the man, Jeffrey, noticed my scar and asked to hear my story. He looked at me and smiled as if I had known him forever and told me that his older sister used to have a brain tumor also and now instead in the place of the brain tumor she has a baby growing in her belly. I feel it is no coincidence that I landed up in his shop which may or may not have been real.  I feel as though he may be an angel that was sent to me from heaven.  When Zach came back before we left to go to dinner Jeffrey took us up on the rooftop where we could see the stars and moon above.  Before going into dinner I called my mother back to share with her the continued happenings of the day and her response to me was:

 "When you open up to the energy, the natural amazing energies come to you. You become a vortex of spinning energy. You start to manifest more and more good energy."

          After dinner as we headed out, I grabbed a plastic fork for our leftover food.  I felt as though I wanted to pay it forward. As we were crossing the street, an amazing black skinned man with many of his teeth missing but with an incredible giant smile on his face, looked me in the eyes with a twinkle and spoke to my soul.  To me, he felt like the second angel in my life that day.  While he glanced into my eyes he held his hand up in the air and gave a peace symbol with his fingers.  Most homeless people that I have met usually bed me for money or for food; this man did not beg for anything but instead gave to me happiness and peace.  I looked at him and said, "do you want this food?"  He smiled and laughed back at me and said, "yes yes, thank you thank you, god blesses you!!" And right there in the middle of the street in Venice I felt as though I was face to face with an angel who was sending me a blessing of my life from god.  I look back on this experience as a reminder that all people in this world no matter where they come from, where we live, what we do, are all connected and all in this world together.

          The next few days continued to be amazing.  On Valentines Day, I fell in love with myself and with nature.  This was the first day I decided to go surfing and be in the water since my injury.  After a beautiful little surfing session I went on a walk down down the beach next to the water.  On my walk I saw sand dollar after sand dollar at my toes, presenting to me from the universe that wealth is with us in many forms.  That day created for me even more love for myself, love for the people in my life, love for being alive (even if we are only in this lifetime for a short while), love for the ocean, love for the healing energy of the sun shining on me, love for the moon rising and the stars shining, love for the earth beneath my feet, love for the air I breathe, love for the world, love for the universe, and love for LOVE.

          On February 18th, I went to the hospital again, this time for my first follow-up MRI since I was a patient at the hospital.  Before taking the MRI, they require the patient to get a blood test done so that it is considered safe to be within the MRI machine for an hour and have the fluid injected into your body that they use to show contrast in some of the photos on the MRI results.  When the filipino woman (with a sticker of a horse representing The Year of The Horse on her medical coat), at the blood testing center drew my blood, I felt her presence and twinkle as angel number three.  While drawing my blood, she looked into my eyes and said, "You are still meant o be on this earth.  You are here for a purpose, you are not yet done. Your purpose has not yet been fulfilled, and you are going to heal yourself!"  Thank you to my guardian angel of a woman who I met in the midst of an insanely intense hospital environment.  She made me understand how possible it is to find calm in the midst of a storm.  The beauty of feeling in a vortex of spinning energy is amazing, and for this connectedness, I am so grateful!

"Strength lies in working with nature rather than attempting to overcome it." (Michael A. Allen)

Links:

http://www.taoofsurfing.com/

http://www.taoofwellness.com/

http://www.yosan.edu/

Thank You:

Mary (McHale) Parr - You gave me a tiny little book smaller than the size of my hand while I was in the hospital and told me to write down my thoughts and feelings as they came into my mind.  The book filled up within a couple days and that is where my idea to begin this blog unfolded.  You have been with me every step of the way and have checked in on me consistently throughout my journey, not just in the beginning but the entire time. You are a TRUE friend.  You are always in my mind and in my heart. I love you.

New Life, New Light

            Happy New Years!! My traveling to Virginia for three weeks to spend  Christmas and New Years with my family was fantastic and flew by quickly; and as I think about my past, I feel like my life has flown by even more swiftly. It's amazing how time passes by.  Today I feel physically astounding and my broken shoulder feels almost back into action the way it was before it was broken. My hair has been growing rapidly and my brain feels alive and magnificent.  Yesterday I had a little session with Ed Sullivan (an amazing qi-gong healer who is also a teacher at my school).  The session consisted of me being a baby laying down in my crib, feeling a new light as if I was just born into the world.  This left me with wonderful shivers as I remembered also the tunnel of light I experienced during the biopsy and how it was similar.  This journey I am on feels like a rebirth out of my mothers womb into the world, creating for me new life, new light and a new beginning. Below is a photo which reminds me of where I came from; my mothers body, belly and womb.  Thank you mother for eating healthfully, practicing yoga and exposing me in your belly to the natural world of sunshine and ocean energy.  I love you; always have and always will. 

            I arrived in Virginia on December 17th, 2013 and two days later I headed to Yogaville, to start my trip off there.  Yogaville is an ashram started and founded by Sri Swami Satchidananda in Virginia in around 1980. The day before my scooter accident I was cleaning my bedroom and suddenly out of my closet fell a book, written by Swami Satchidananda and illustrated by Uma Schreiber (a close family friend and Yogaville woman) called "Enlightening Tales." I opened the book and inside the cover was a note from Swami Satchidananda, reading "Beloved Gabriella, Love and blessings.  Satchidananda."  The amazing part of finding this book is I do not remember ever receiving it or where it came from.

I called my mom to ask her and she said Swami signed it and Uma (a family friend and Yogaville woman) gave it to me when I was a teenager. I got the chills and felt wonderful especially because Swami Satchidananda's physical body is no longer here but I could feel him in spirit.  I put the book next to my bed that afternoon to start reading one of the fairy tales each night before falling asleep.  The very next day SLAM BAM!! I got into my scooter accident and as I mentioned in my earlier posts was rushed to the ER.  I feel gratitude towards Swami Satchidananda for coming with me in spirit in the ambulance to the hospital. What made his presence even more relevant for me was almost one month later, right before heading into the biopsy hallway as I parted ways with my mother and our friend Deepa (who is also a Yogaville woman), Deepa put her hands on the temple of my head and said a prayer. As my eyes were closed I felt Swami's energy, courage and voice being channeled through Deepa's hands and into my soul and body.

           I know I grew up running around Yogaville as a child and resisting it as a teenager and then in my early adulthood right before I headed to college Swami Satchidananda passed away and I know he has always been with me but now at age 30 my body and soul feel his presence more than ever.  Several days before heading back to Virginia for my holiday break, I called my father and asked him if I could go to Yogaville alone for a few days.  He sounded amazed astonished and enthralled that I would finally want such a thing, and he helped me make it happen.  My mother dropped me off and before she left, together we went to the Lotus Shrine for meditation.  When she left I felt all alone and angry and suddenly didn't understand why I wanted to be there all by myself. I felt so lost and afraid. I thought, "Was I the one that decided to come here?? Because I do not remember picking this idea?" This was the first time since any of this had happened that I felt completely alone in a cottage in the woods. The next morning I awoke uplifted and refreshed and excited for the day.  I walked to Shivananda Hall for a meal and sat at the table with two Swamis who looked very familiar.  The woman Swami Vidyananda asked me my name and as soon as I said Gabrielle Olko she responded letting me know she knew my mother and father, Lisa and Paul Olko.  I was amazed.  I told her I was the oldest child in the family and asked her what her first memory of me was.  She responded something along the lines of, "when you were in your mothers belly."  I later asked my mom about her going there when she was pregnant with me and she told me she was at Yogaville for ten days without my dad but with me in her belly.  I asked her if Swamaji saw her belly and she said yes he did and that he placed his hands on her belly and said a hello and a prayer.  Amazing how things that happen while being a fetus can stick  subconsciously throughout a lifetime.

          After my birth I was brought there and given my sanskrit middle name by Swami Satchidananda.  This picture was taken right after me being given the middle name of Sundhari (meaning: beautiful one).  Now at age thirty I feel like I am going through a second rebirth.  The three days at Yogaville were an amazing way to start my holiday.  Today I started reading Enlightening Tales for the first time.  I did have the book with me in the hospital the entire time by my side as if it was Swami sitting next to me and now I have started reading his words from the stories. In his introduction part one of the sentences reads, "Forget everything that you have learned.  Become like a child again, and you will experience God right now." It has been thirty years of my life, but I believe Swami brought me to Yogaville now as an adult to discover a rebirth and rediscovery of myself and my life. Gratitude. Also no coincidence it happened to be the weekend of his 100th year!  My father came the last night of my three days there and it was beautiful to bond with him and it felt like I was being welcomed into the world again by my father in a new light. 

Stanley Paul Olko (Daddy darlin!!) I will love you always and forever like you have always loved me since before I was born and when you first welcomed me into the world.
          
           The rest of my trip was wonderful and passed by rapidly, I was able to reconnect with many of of my old friends which was amazing.  I have had so many wonderful people come into my life throughout the past thirty years, who I am still connected to now.  My grandmother came down from New Jersey and shared with me amazing family stories from a generation or more before I was born.  Its amazing how her mother (my great grandmother) Angelina, came with only her first born daughter from Italy to the United States on a boat to meet my great grandfather.  Its incredible how one woman who births five daughters can create so many people that are here alive today. It represents for me the massive connectedness of everyone on earth.

Great grandma (Angelina), my mom, me & my grandma (Santina)

 I feel even closer with my mother and father than I can ever remember feeling before, in a whole new sense.  While in Virginia,  I am grateful that I got to spend time with the family that has been with us for as long as I can remember, The McConkeys (Micheal, Jeannie, Gabe, Ian and Juliette)!!  Ian (the middle son) and Jeannie (the mama) sent me a beautiful care package (from their whole family) while I was in and out of the hospital.  The card was a photo taken by Ian and his words written inside were part of what gave me hope and inspiration throughout my hospital stay.

Ian McConkey

          Ian is the middle son who I got to hold in my arms, kiss each others skin, touch our heads together, and be close with in a new way a couple days before I came back to California.  Five years ago Ian was diagnosed with a tumor in his brain as well.  It has been an up and down, twist around, up to the sky and down to the ground journey that has been an inspiration to me as well as others.  I feel bonded to him physically and spiritually in a way beyond what I could've ever imagined and it gives my soul an awakening of the beauty of what DIS*EASE in our lives can bring us and how much EASE was felt when enthused and moved by Ian's journey. I believe everything happens for a reason and everyone on earth goes through suffering and challenges.  Challenges are what brings us the brightest light if we can embrace them and accept the journey and know that we are all one.
           I am thinking that perhaps there will be more to come about my beautiful visit to Virginia in the future of this blog, as every moment is connected to other moments and to other connections. Connected connected connected. And, again may this new year bring you all happiness, beauty and love so bright to fill your hearts and body with health, joy and a new light.  I feel so much gratitude towards all of you for reading about my journey as well as continuously reaching out to me and sending me healing support and love especially over the past few months.  Om Shanti.

Photograph taken by Ian displayed on the cover of the card he sent me.

Ian's beautiful words that sent me hope and courage.  I love you Ian!!

"even the tiniest little thing can teach you a big lesson" - Swami Satchidananda

   
    Yogaville's Website